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Sunday
Apr252010

His Life is Just SO Horrible

"This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me."

Those words have left Mr. Husband's mouth at least a dozen times this past weekend.

He's talking about his preshussss TV. It died.

*insert moment of silence for the dearly departed television*

It was a young TV, having only entered our lives three years ago. It was a super-bargain open box buy. In retrospect, I suppose "bargain" might be quite a bit of a stretch since it only lasted three years. I still have the TV I bought right after I graduated high school and it pretty much works, but a few weeks after Mr. Husband finally hung his 3-year old over-sized plasma TV on the wall in his Man Cave, death and devastation.

"This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me."

I might have rolled my eyes at that statement. A LOT. I mean, how great is his life that a TV dying is the worst thing of all time? I rolled my eyes so hard at his VERY REAL sadness that I could see the back of my brain, and it was holding a sign. It said, "Don't even think about letting him rush out and buy a new one."

My brain can be smart sometimes.

I decided the man would have to suffer through the horror of watching one of the other two TVs in our house, or he would have to move one of old STILL WORKING hunks of junk from the garage into The Man Cave. I didn't say anything, I just made sure to not even flinch when he brought up the subject of buying a TV. I had to be careful. In Manspeak, sometimes it's one blink for "yes," but sometimes two blinks can be considered a double-negative and interpreted to mean "yes." You just never know. It's best to hold your breath, not move a single muscle, and wait for The Man to spot something shiny and get distracted.

While I was busy ignoring all TV communication efforts, I do believe Mr. Husband tried to share a bunch of information. I think he researched how much it would cost to fix the dead TV and learned that it was almost as much as a whole new one. I think he also checked new TV prices at approximately eleventy-seventeen-hundred-forty-ten-all-possible online stores. I'm not entirely sure because I was busy making sure I didn't breath, blink, flinch, or fart. You can never be too careful, you know.

And then the Penguins game came on. I was strong and steadfast in my Suck It Up, Man! stance when he sat next to me to watch the game.

I made it through three incidents of yelling at random people on the TV screen who can't really hear you before the wall started to crumble. Fast.

Then he pulled out the Big Guns. After the game ended, the man reached over and grabbed the remote.

He flipped through a couple dozen channels.

I started to twitch.

He flipped through a few more channels, finally settling on a mind-numbingly boring show on HGTV.

I twitched some more.

When the mind-numbingly boring show broke to commercial, he flipped through more channels.

I twitched so much I probably looked like a super floppy fish out of water.

He flipped and flipped and flipped, occasionally settling on some random show that made me think it was the worst show ever created, except that a few moments later, he would find one that was even worse. In those moments, I remembered OMG, CHANNEL FLIPPING MAKES ME HOMICIDAL.

There's a reason the man has his own prehusss TV and a Man Cave. It's called FOR MY SANITY. I have to stay strong through this Worst Thing That Has Ever Happened to Him Phase.

Must. Stay. Strong.

(Psst . . . Mr. Husband, if you finish the landscaping in the backyard without whining, I may be willing to strike a deal. Please don't destroy my brain in the meantime. PLEASE.)

 

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Reader Comments (12)

I gave up television watching as a whole a few years back because of the incessant flippage and homicide-inducing shows the husband would watch. (WWF anyone?) It's for your own good. The man needs a TV. YOU need him to have a TV.

April 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Stay strong! Who am I to talk ? At least you get landscaping out of it. I act like I'll never give in but next thing you know the old fish hook is in my mouth again tugging me to some electronics store for a husband "must have" purchase. The iPhone last year, mac laptop this year. I have held out strong on the flat screen though. After the phones I said not to mention it for 2 yrs. We'll see.....

Ps before & after pics of perennial garden? I love getting ideas for new plants

April 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSheila

Well, I hope you at least have a widescreen HD as a backup. How else can you watch round 2 in anything else.

April 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHockeymandad

Do I see freckles on that cute little face? And OMG. Tell that girl to stop growing. She's looking like a real girl.

I'm sorry to hear about the Man Cave TV. Hold on tight. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

April 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFlea

You might as well give up the fight now. A man cannot be without his HDTV and have there be serious repercussions.

Just let him go to the store and get some free financing. $50 a month is not too much to ask for some non-channel flipping sanity.

If my TV died now, during the Stanley Cup playoffs, I'd probably electrocute myself giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

April 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterbluzdude

That's why I hold the remote. Incessant channel flipping makes me all sporky too.

Oh, and we only have *one* tv in our house, so I had to make sure I ruled over the remote early in our relationship, lol!

I also always make sure we have something interesting DVRed so that he doesn't have to flip through the channels if he ever does get the remote.

April 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

I feel as if I'm living in a cave. We have "one" television in our house and it's not even a flat screen. Husband loves him some military and history channel. Don't ask me why, he's a musician it makes NO sense, but that's his viewing pleasure. Me? I'm getting better at grabbing up a book to read and hiding from the explosive bomb visage going off on the screen. (Hugs)Indigo

April 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterIndigo

OMG, the flinching is SOOOOO true. If you do not want a new TV, then do. not. flinch. My then unemployed husband called me at work one day. It was a short conversation that went something like this:
Him: Can I spend $800 on a used soda fountain?
Me: Huh? A what?
Him: A soda fountain. You know, Coke, Pepsi, Mt. Dew waiting at your finger tips.
Me: Ummm...sounds like diabetic shock waiting to happen.
Him: But I've always wanted one and it'll save us a ton of money.
Me: (And please note I was super heavy on the sarcasm) Sure, dear. If you must own a soda fountain, then by all means, by yourself a soda fountain. Never mind the fact that you aren't working, we don't NEED to save that money for bills or kids or whatever.
Guess what showed up at my house two weeks later? Yep, a soda fountain. That leaked, never worked right, didn't save us any money, and gave me a concussion (long story in which I come out looking kind of dumb). Six months ago I laughed my most evil laugh when it had to be trashed.

April 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa J.

@Indigo--If I had my way, that would be us. I am not a TV person. At all.

April 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBurgh Baby

Don't hate me, but it is the exact opposite in my house. Husband could totally do without the TV. I on the other hand....

April 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNap Warden

HAHAHA!!! That cracked me up. Just try and stay still and wait for something shiny to catch his eye. I swear that is how I feel about the hubby. He is always talking about a boat, or a motorcycle, or a car, or a lot of land, or etc and I just have to hold still, stay quiet, and wait for the feeling to pass. ;)

April 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKat

LOL! That just cracks me up...until I remember mine and his Challenger. The Challenger he rebuilt from a heap. The Challenger. sigh. The Challenger. Oh, the car was looong gone before I arrived, yet, I know more about it than I know about any other part of his life put together. And he still gets all maudlin and sad and mopey if he unexpectedly comes across a picture (grainy and over exposed as they are) of that car. I pretend to think it was awesome.

anyway, the channel flipping is so much less annoying than the continual talking in a loud voice during the program and the silence during the commercials (and if I ignore him long enough, he'll begin to actually re arrange furniture or remodel the entire house or run the vacuum or ...) I endure when trying to watch ANY. THING. on the TV. EVER.

April 26, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermumple
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