I can't be trusted to make good choices before I've had coffee, so when a spider came tumbling through the car window and landed in my lap, I didn't scream. I was trying to be nice and wish a neighbor well as he prepared to move to a new home, but instead I sat there having a conversation while a spider flopped around in my lap.
The really weird thing is that apparently my brain was buried in molasses because I didn't react. At all. I just kept on chatting as if there wasn't a man-eating eight-legged monster attacking me. The neighbor didn't even know there was a crisis going on because I couldn't process the whole situation fast enough to have a reaction.
So a live spider flopped about in my lap. Alive. Not dead. It stayed alive and flopped for a while. In fact, it fell to the floor and disappeared into the blackness of the floor mat.
And I didn't scream.
The really unfortunate part of the not screaming is that I didn't get a chance to remind the neighbor that I'm an odd sort of human. The other unfortunate part is that I've heard spiders can't handle screaming. It's like torture to them. That seems perfectly fair to torture a create that has entered my personal space.
Alas, I missed my chance.
So the spider ran away and has now been loose in my car for a day. A WHOLE DAY. Each and every moment I have spent in that car has been a moment spent wondering if that little something is my vicious friend about to eat my face. I know it's going to maul me if it finds me in that car. It's just a matter of time.
But I can't find it. I have spent a bunch of time trying to spot the ginormous man-eater, but I've had no luck. That means it's going to show up at the worst possible time. I WILL BE READY.
Except that there's just one problem. It has occurred to me that at the "worst possible time" might infer that one of the girls will be the one who discovers the spider. If Alexis finds it, there will be high-pitched screaming and flailing. If Mila finds it, there will be higher pitched screaming and flailing. Mila's "there's a bug near me" screams are loud enough and shrill enough to break the sound barrier.
That wouldn't be distracting AT ALL. I bet I wouldn't even sort of wreck the car.
Oh, man. I'm totally going to wreck the car when Mila finds that spider. It's going to happen.