The Elf Got Pummeled While Sitting on the Shelf

If I could make the entire internet repeat a phrase after me until they believed the words in their heart of hearts, I would make everyone repeat "It's OK that other people choose to celebrate holidays differently than I do."

Yup. Give me the power to change the world and THAT is what I'm doing.

It makes me cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs that so many people spend their social media time telling others that they're doing it wrong. It's not wrong. It's different.

Which is how I soften the blow when I say ... I hate your damn Elf.

Sorry, I do.

NOTE: I am not saying that you shouldn't have an Elf! It's cool that you like him! Just keep him out of my house, please!

I don't want an Elf on the Shelf for a number of reasons, but really high on the list is the fact that I can't do anything half way. I would quickly turn into that annoying overachiever who spends an hour a night carefully crafting a clever scene for the Elf. I don't have time for all of that nonsense, so I won't be going there. EVER.

Besides, the Elf on the Shelf annoys me. Everything about him is annoying, kind of like Kesha. I have felt this way from the moment that stupid Elf first made his appearance in stores. I won't be changing my mind any time soon.

Enter Alexis.

APPARENTLY kids compare notes and feel the need to tell each other about things that happen in their homes. APPARENTLY several kids that Alexis knows have an Elf. APPARENTLY those kids have told her that he is fun.

She started asking a few weeks ago.

"Mom, can we get an Elf? Please?"

No. The answer is no. I will stick to that forever and ever.

But the child kept asking. And asking. And asking. She kept telling me that she was sad that others had him and she didn't and I SMELLED SOMETHING FISHY AND IT WASN'T KIARA'S BREATH.

It's not like Alexis to covet something another kid has. It really isn't. The whole thing was suspicious. So, I asked questions.

"Why do you want an Elf, Alexis?" I asked.

"Because he gets into trouble," she replied.

"You do know that he watches what you do and tells Santa if you're bad, right?" I said.

"Yeah, I know," she replied.

The questioning went on. And on. I wanted to know the real reason she wanted an Elf. If you think about it, there is no good reason a kid should WANT an Elf in his or her house. It can only lead to tattling, after all.

Finally, after about five minutes, the quizzing worked. I finally found the right way to ask the question so that Alexis would admit what it is about the stupid Elf that she finds appealing. FINALLY.

She said, "The Elf is creepy. I kinda like creepy stuff, especially because I can throw things at him."

Alexis is so definitely mine, but she still isn't going to get a chance to throw stuff at him in her own home.

Vision is Overrated

It is becoming increasingly clear that it really is better when Penny can't see.

The fuzzy version. The fuzzy version is a brat and jumps up to steal stuff off of counters and tables, but it's all very opportunistic. If she's absolutely certain something is up there, she'll kamikaze dive for it, knock it on the floor, grab it, and run for the hills.

Many loaves of bread have met their demise exactly that way.

But this version.

This strange new version that has eyes and stuff, it doesn't wait for opportunity to come knocking. Nope. This version can see, so this version jumps up on counters and tables CONSTANTLY and looks to see what she can find.

In the past four days, she has found A LOT of food. Penny has stolen kitten food about a dozen times, she nabbed some leftover turkey when we had friends over, she has eaten cupcakes and cookies and OMG SHE KEEPS EATING ALL OF MY FOOD.

Would it be totally wrong if I were to blindfold her? Or make her wear a wig? Because seriously, she stole my cheesecake tonight and HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT.

Between the Antlers and the Cats

As the person who purposely has Christmas trees in pretty much every corner of the house, I have no room to judge, buy WHAT THE HECK, WORLD? WHY MUST YOU DECORATE YOUR CARS?

Call me crazy (because you would be right!) but I think it sounds fun to put reindeer ears and a nose on my cat, but I don't feel the need to do the same to my SUV. It just doesn't sound like my idea of fun. AT ALL.

And so, I rolled my eyes when I saw a BMW SUV driving around fully decked out as a reindeer. I rolled my eyes so hard I accidentally turned on my turn signal. Left turn at the intersection of the reindeer SUV and sanity, please!

But I didn't actually turn. In fact, I ended up following the festive SUV for a few miles. That meant I had plenty of time to notice other signs of ... uniqueness. The thing that stood out the most was the stick figure family in the back window.

Grown woman.

Grown man.

Cat.

Cat.

Cat.

I am a crazy cat lady. That means I have full license to identify another of my kind. It was most definitely a crazy cat lady driving the reindeer SUV.

My first thought was WOAH! THE CRAZY HAS LANDED! ALL IN ONE PLACE! but then I thought about the story that wasn't told with between the antlers and the stick figures.

Why does the woman who was driving the BMW not have kids? By choice? By chance? It's none of my business, but still. Maybe she decided her family would be her husband and three cats, but maybe fate decided it for her. Maybe it's temporary, but maybe it's forever.

What's certain is that she loves her cats. You don't buy a sticker representing each of them and plop it on your expensive car unless you really love your cats.

I still don't understand the bright red nose and antlers, but sometimes all it takes is a few miles to figure out that you can't know someone's story just by looking at the outside of their car.