A Different Kind of American Girl Doll

Evil arrives in the mailbox entirely too often. I've mentioned it before and I'll mention it again -- whoever gave the American Girl Doll people our address needs to locked in a room with whiny army of small girls who have no concept of money. Just for kicks, I'm going to make sure the girls all have kazoos and giant bottles of glitter, by the way.

Oh, and Justin Bieber. He's going in the room, too.

It only seems fair.

Fortunately, The Twitters agrees with me that the American Girl Doll catalog is evil. Even more fortunately, The Twitters usually gets home before we do, so I usually have a fair warning that there is a stupid catalog in the mailbox.

SORRY, ALEXIS. No, you can't get the mail! I have something I have to burn!

Those catalogs make great kindling. I'm just sayin'.

But every once in a while one of those stupid catalogs ends up in the still-chubby little hands of a certain toothless 7-year old. Find me some cheese because once that girl gets her paws on that thing, there is much whine. And need for wine.

"Can I have this?" "How about that?" "And this?" "MOM, I NEED THIS."

That statement curtails into a lovely conversation about needs versus wants, but whatever. By the time we get to that point, I've already lost my mind.

But now. NOW. I TAKE IT ALL BACK.

You guys, American Girl Doll clothing fits the kitten. Really well.

So I'm going to go ahead and order one of everything.

At Least I'm Consistent with My Reaction

There's a weird thing that happens when we go to Indiana. Alexis suddenly transforms into a pushy, assertive, confident, outgoing, and overly friendly little beast.

We're talking about a kid who would barely make eye contact with her grandparents a few years ago. That version of Alexis has been replaced by the version that takes off at wedding receptions. She spent hours dancing and dancing and dancing past weekend and I truly very barely saw her.

At all.

I mean, I probably should have been worried about where she had disappeared to, but I figured she was stalking one cousin or another. I always turned out to be right. Eventually. I suppose. I don't really know because HEY, MY KID CRAWLED OUT OF MY BUTT AND WENT AND BOTHERED OTHER PEOPLE!

PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!

Sorry. Just thinking about it still excites me a little. I mean, I got to go to the bathroom by myself one time. If you're a parent, you know how very thrilling that is.

See also: being a parent makes you lower your standards in amazing (and pitiful) ways.

ANYWAY.

I think I saw Alexis for a total of five minutes during the entire wedding reception. That five minutes ... HOOBOY. They were a very special five minutes. They were the five minutes when a very gleeful Alexis ran up to me, grinning from ear to ear. She stuck out her little fist and said, "Here, mom!" as if she was handing me (another) dessert.

But she wasn't.

She handed me a tooth that she had lost while out on the dance floor.

There was blood on it. And it was in my hand. AND I DIDN'T SCREAM THEN BUT I AM NOW AAAAAAAAAAAARGHPUKEVOMITGAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Even better, though, is that there was no convincing the child that the tooth fairy could visit when we returned home. OF COURSE NOT. The tooth fairy had to visit while we were in Indiana, all sleeping in one very tiny bed. The evil little kid shoved that mangled tooth under her pillow just inches from my pillow later that night. It was all because she was very eagerly awaiting a visit from the tooth fairy.

Wanna guess how many times I've had a nightmare about finding a tooth under my pillow since then?

Answer: ALL OF THE TIMES.

Teeth are gross. And stupid.

She Had To Find Other Ways To Entertain Herself

We spent the weekend in Indianapolis for a wedding, which is a very indirect saying of THE UNIVERSE! IT IS UPSIDE-DOWN!

I don't know what it is about being away from home a few days that makes everything all screwy, but there it is. I'm tragically behind on all sorts of things, but completely lacking the care that is required to do something about it. The lack of care is probably kitten-shaped and currently sitting in my lap purring, but I can't prove that for sure.

The wedding that we went to was one that Alexis had been looking forward to for a very long time. Through a weird sort of coincidence, she was born during the Wedding Drought. We haven't had one in the family for a long time. I expect that the floodgates will open in about five years, but for now, this was The One. The One that she was going to get to go to so that she could finally find out what all of the hullabaloo is about when it comes to weddings.

She was VERY curious.

She has been asking questions for weeks and pondering and considering and basically planning every wedding for every person ever. She was so very excited about the whole thing that she packed her suitcase a month ago, made a big thing about how she needed a new dress and hoop earrings, and she told me what to expect.

"Mom, people cry at weddings. I bet you're going to cry," she predicted.

Which, meh. I may cry at random stupid Hallmark commercials, but weddings don't usually get to me like that. Really, the only thing about weddings that makes me want to cry is the realization that all of those kids sitting around me aren't really "kids" anymore.

You guys, our flower girl graduated from high school this year. Now THAT is sob-worthy. (Congrats, B! And get off my lawn!)

Alexis sat through the wedding ceremony quietly scoping out everything. She watched the bride and groom. She smiled at the wedding party. She studied everyone in the building.

And she didn't manage to find a single person who was crying. Not. A. One.

I know that because as we were walking out, she grabbed my hand and whispered, "Mom, I'm so disappointed that nobody cried! Now who will I make fun of at the party?"

What's that saying about apples not falling far from trees? Because ... yeah. THAT.