Costume Thief


(Alexis wore this costume in 2013. It should fit Mila in about 2023.)



Fish Whisperer

It likely doesn't need to be said that I've essentially made sitting by our koi pond a part-time job. I spend most of my so-called "free" time sitting by it, either playing dumb games on my phone or reading. I also spend entirely too much time tinkering with it because I am an idiot who can't just leave things alone.

I made it bigger this year. The result of that project has been nothing short of a war. I'm not sure if I won the latest battle yet, but I feel like I'm getting close to victory? Maybe?

Regardless, I have easily spent 60 hours so far this year sitting inches from that water. I have nearly fallen in twice as I tried to make rocks go where I wanted. I've lost entire weekends to digging and filling and draining and filling and draining again. I've placed a rock, walked away, and then moved it half an inch for HOURS on end. I've tried counting the fish, determined they move too fast to be counted, and then gone back to messing with rocks.

I know every inch of that pond.


Last year I noticed a small black fish swimming in the pond. It was a bit of a surprise because I didn't put it in there. Which is to say, apparently someone laid eggs and there was a survivor. I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out if it was a koi or a goldfish, which was extra challenging because did I mention that it was black? It was black, and so is the inside of the pond, so seeing it was a challenge.

By spring of this year, the black fish had gotten bigger and developed some white spots. That made it MUCH easier to see. With eash passing day, it becomes more of a calico-looking fish and less of a creepy black blob. That means I am now certain that it is a koi because I can finally SEE it.

This weekend, Mila was hanging out with me by the pond. I was trying to figure out where it's leaking from (Yes, AGAIN. I told you this is a war.). Mila was just hanging out. At one point, I asked her if she could find the baby koi. I told her it's starting to turn white.

"No, it's black," Mila replied. I think she may say "tomato" differently than I do, and she definitely has a half-empty glass while mine is half-full.

"It's turning white," I replied.

"Nuh-uh!" she argued. "The baby fish are black!"

Are. Not is. Mila is good at verb tenses, so that was weird.

"Mila, there is only one baby and it's half black and half white," I corrected.

"NUH-UH. There are three babies! And two are black!"


I'll be damned if the kid wasn't right. There are three babies. Except, they're at least a year old, so HOW DID SHE FIND THEM BEFORE ME WTH?



Hi, Kennywood. Let's Talk.

I'm as surprised as anybody that I'm about to say this, but I think maybe Kennywood is starting to get their act together. I mean, parking is still a disaster, there are still rides that aren't open, and there's definitely lots of room for continued improvement, but we spent an entire day there this weekend and it wasn't awful.

That's a HUGE improvement over even just a few weeks ago.

The biggest jump in the right direction is that in 8 hours at the park, I don't think I ran into a single miserable employee. That's new! For the past few years, it has seemed like EVERY employee there is completely miserable and poorly trained and generally in a bad place. Extra special shout out to Sam who was working The Whip at around 6:00pm on Sunday. Not only was he not miserable, he was straight-up HAVING FUN. CAN YOU IMAGINE! He was talking over the loudspeaker the whole time, encouraging riders to cheer and get rowdy while putting their arms up and all of that. He did a fantastic job, to the point that as Mila and I were getting off the ride, she turned to me and said, "He's really fun!"

I don't remember Mila EVER commenting that a worker at Kennywood was fun. Ever. In her entire five years. And she goes to Kennywood a lot. So, thanks Sam. You made the day a little bit better for a very enthusiastic five-year old.

The other big improvement was that rides are starting to reopen. Sky Rocket has (finally) returned, Skycoaster was back in business, and the Paddle Boats were up and running. All good things, obviously, and I think that just leaves Black Widow to get back to its true glory. It's amazing how having a few more rides open can make the crowds spread out. Seriously.

Oh, and of course, Steel Curtain was open.

Which is EXACTLY where there is still a huge opportunity for improvement.

Before I get to that, though, let me just say Steel Curtain is fun. It is worthy of they hype. On Sunday, the lines weren't really terrible. We waited 1.5 hours one time and 1.75 hours the other, which is a long time, but not awful, considering it was only the second full day of operations. I've certainly waited longer for rides at Cedar Point. It was worth the wait.

But I can say that because I got to ride it.

There's a thing that I saw happen a total of three times in the moments that I spent in line and waiting for others who were in line. Three people ... THREE ... stood in line with their family and friends, felt that moment of excitement that comes as it's finally your turn to ride a brand new thrill ride, and then felt the crushing embarrassment that comes as an employee tries several times to force the lap bar down, but then declares you "too big" for the ride. Three people endured those moments that probably felt like years as the entire ride was held up as a stranger looked them up and down, judged their body, and then asked them to get off the ride.

The third one was a woman who would have been seated directly in front of us. She was there with her son, a fact I know because they smiled and chatted within earshot the entire time Alexis and I were in line. She and her 10 or 11-year old son were ALL OF THE EXCITED about the ride. Frankly, I would never have guessed that she wouldn't be able to safely ride Steel Curtain. She wasn't what I would consider to be all that big - I suspect it was far more of a shape thing than a size thing. She was probably a size 2X? Maybe? She had a slender waist and gorgeous curves for miles, which was likely the problem. Her legs and the awesome junk in her trunk didn't allow for the form-fitted seat and lap bar to come together the way they need to for a person to safely ride.

Which, I get it. Safety is the top priority. It should be. Always.

But that moment when it became clear that she wouldn't be allowed to ride will stick with me for a very long time. She mustered all of her Good Mom Powers to glue a smile on her face as she excitedly told her son to stay on the ride and she would cheer from the side, but those Good Mom Powers couldn't make her eyes match the show. She fought tears back with all of her might.

The woman waited nearly two hours for a ride, then spent three minutes being humiliated by Kennywood employees. I know they were doing their jobs, but the words they chose in those moments, the actions as they played out ... they made it worse. The phrase, "You're too big to ride safely" is just ... ouch.

I tweeted Kennywood during this whole thing and they did assure me that they are installing test seats at the ride entrance. That will go a long way in helping people know if they're good to go before they stand in that line. It's a definite improvement, and hopefully those seats show up quickly and can get installed immediately.

But right now, today, Kennywood absolutely needs to train its staff on how to handle that moment. They words they use in those moments have the power to ruin someone's entire day, so they need to choose those words with as much empathy and compassion as is humanly possible. Find better words, hang signs all over the place so people have warning before and while standing in line, and just make it better. And not just with Steel Curtain.

Do better, Kennywood. You've proven you can improve, so improve this one thing.