Thursday
Feb232017

A Simple Guide to Making Mila Happy

Have you bought school glue lately? Hahaha ... it's a trick question. I know you haven't because there is no glue anywhere because every kid everywhere has it all. I don't know how they coordinate these things, but EVERYONE is making slime lately. You can't make slime without glue so they have it all.

Can you tell it took me three stores to restock Alexis' glue supply? That's a real thing that happened. Three. Stores. Because she wanted to make slime.

Which, whatever. If it makes her happy, that's great. Alexis has mastered her "recipe," so she now spends hours happily making fluffy slime. It keeps her busy, isn't terribly messy, and Mila.

"But what about Mila?" you may be thinking. Let me just tell you, for as much as Alexis enjoys making slime, Mila enjoys having it around more. Mila has grown obsessed with playing with "squishy," as she so eloquently calls it. She's so obsessed that she currently has two bowls of it all to herself because she has a habit of dropping it on the floor. If you want to see Alexis freak out, drop her "good" slime on the floor where cat hair and crumbs and such can get stuck in it.

Mila's slime is kind of gross. She loves it anyway.

She loves it so much that if I grab it, I get a reaction.

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It's a pretty good reaction, but not as good as the one when I throw it at her.

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If Mila gets her paws on the slime, the reaction is even better.

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That would have been worth going to FOUR stores. Man.

 

Wednesday
Feb222017

Six Very Long Minutes

There are no rewards for renewing your driver's license early, so of course I procrastinated that little activity until it couldn't possibly be procrastinated another second. Then I found a way to procrastinate it some more.

The internet is magical, y'all.

Somehow I forget the little details between renewals, so it was a total and complete shock to me that you can renew your license online. I rediscovered that fact at 11:50 pm the night my license was expiring because obviously I wasn't going to an office to fix things. Renewing online means you get a photo card in the mail and then need to take it to an office to finish the process. There's no sense in going to the office until you get that photo card, so extension! I love extensions on procrastination. And then that photo card is valid for a few months, so you can let your license get REAL expired before you set foot in the DMV.

The lesson in all of this is procrastinate. DO IT. I swear to you everything works out. For example, I waited until I didn't have a choice to go to the DMV and then it took a whopping six minutes to complete the task.

SIX MINUTES.

If I had done it on time or even early, it would have been hours. We all know this.

My little lesson in procrastination being the best is not the end of this story, however. Actually, it's not a story. It's just a meandering point that I share so I can virtually pat myself on the back for skillfully procrastinating.

The story is actually all about those six minutes. Six very long minutes.

The DMV is only open during the hours when boring office people are doing boring office things. There are no evenings and weekends are a train wreck. Thus, my best shot was to run out at lunch on a day when I didn't have a meeting immediately following lunch.

That part worked fine. My timing was obviously perfect because six minutes. SIX MINUTES.

And yet, my timing was off because I managed to catch a woman just as she was coming off of her lunch. As she sat in her chair behind the computer, she proved that you can be physically in one place, but mentally in another.

"Press 1 for yes and 2 for no," she said.

My screen was not asking me a yes or no question.

When I didn't immediately press 1 or 2, she grew impatient. "You need to press 1 for yes and 2 for no."

I decided to ignore her. I followed the prompts that were on the screen and quickly flipped through each of the steps required to renew your license. I confirmed my address. I entered my county. I typed my phone number. I marked that I am an organ donor. I did all of those things while the woman at the computer instructed me to push buttons that would answer any question except the one that was on my screen.

"I'm a little ahead of that," I finally told her.

"Then it won't work. You need to press 1 for yes and 2 for no."

"It wants to know my county. That's not a yes or no question."

"Press 1 for yes and 2 for no."

This little scenario played out for several minutes, even after I was completely done. I signed my name and she kept looking at me blankly telling me to press 1 or yes and 2 for no.

You guys, I think robots have already started to take over the world. I think maybe I'm okay with it because SIX MINUTES. An actual human would have kept me there much longer.

Tuesday
Feb212017

I'll Learn Eventually

There is a thing that Alexis knows that comes in very handy at times; I don't bluff. If I say "do it again and I'm taking away all of your fun for a year," she knows I really will follow through. There's no empty threats.

It will be some time before Mila figures this all out.

Right now I can almost threaten her into compliance. It's more like bribery, to be honest, but it counts. "No candy unless you pick up your trash" gets me somewhere. Small victories are still victories, you know?

And yet, I have been defeated. Again.

Miss Mila is a pajama-loving fool. She asks to put her jammies on within minutes of getting home every evening. On the weekends, she usually stays in pajamas well into the afternoon. Weekdays, however, there are things to do, so she gets dressed.

Mostly that works. As long as Alexis is in charge of the getting dressed, Mila plays along with it. If I show up and try to make the kid wear pants, there might be a battle, though. Which, Alexis was similar for a while. She definitely had a phase where she wasn't cool with getting dressed in the morning, but it ended the day I threatened to take her to school in her pajamas. She knew I wasn't bluffing and the thought of being around friends while wearing her pajamas HORRIFIED her. So, she got dressed.

I tried that threat on Mila this morning. "Mila, get dressed or you're wearing your pajamas to school."

Guess what happened.

Go ahead.

I probably should have seen that coming, eh?

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