A Note to the Newly Minted Second Grader

So, Alexis, this happened.

Which is a far cry from when this happened seemingly a lifetime ago.

You mostly look the same now as you did way back when the school year started (you still wear the same size shoes, which, the hell?), but what lies beneath the surface is vastly different. You're more mature, smarter, quickly, and more sure of yourself.

And yet we find ourself in exactly the same position as several months ago. We're changing up your routine and the entire situation is wrought with angst.

You are very, very NOT happy with where you'll be spending the summer. Did I mention that you're not happy? Because HOOBOY are you not happy.

Your opinion was formed based on exactly one day late last summer. You attended the same camp for a day and you decided that day that it was a horrible, terrible place filled with mean kids. But, the thing is that it's pretty much our only reasonable choice.

So you're going back.

For the entire summer.

And you are mad.

If I could talk sense into that thick little skull of yours, I would repeat every word I wrote back on the first day of school. You have to choose to make it a fun time and you have to choose to make the most of every day, but man. MAN. Thanks a lot for making me feel like a giant jerk for not being able to stay home with you this summer. It's ... swell.

You were excited but nervous about switching schools. You're just plain mad about switching summer camps.

I can't fix it. It's completely out of my control.

Make the most of it kid. I really need for you to do that so I can stop losing sleep over the whole stupid thing.

Boys are Dumb

When I was in first grade, I thought about books featuring Dick and Jane, jumping rope, and probably the Smurfs or some other little kid nonsense.

Alexis thinks about boys.

I don't know what the deal is, but for some reason, her entire class missed the memo that girls have cooties and boys are stinky. Rather than finely tuning their wall flower skills, they do things like HAVE BOYFRIENDS AND GIRLFRIENDS.

Seriously.

Alexis can list every kid in her class and who they like and/or are dating. There is exactly one exception to the nonsense, and that is her.

Allegedly.

I say "allegedly" because it's a little suspicious that everyone else is "dating" and she isn't, especially when I very recently noticed her staring at a little boy at the zoo. When I leaned over and said "he's cute" to her, she turned a shade of red that normally only exists in the produce section of the grocery store.

The part of her story that leads me to believe she is telling the truth is the part where she told me about how there is a boy that likes her.

A FOURTH GRADER. WHO LIKES MY FIRST GRADER. CAN I GET A WHAAAAA? PLEASE?

Also, a cookie. I should get a cookie because I have not hunted this cradle robber down and put the fear of the mom stare into his heart.

ANYWAY. Alexis says he likes her, but she doesn't like him because "he was a jerk" to one of her friends. He made fun of the other girl's hair and said that her clothes are ugly, which is apparently reason enough for Alexis to deem you unworthy of her everything.

That's my girl.

Now if only I could convince her that every boy is a jerk because I am REALLY not ready for this whole "boys are cute" thing.

Kittens. Kittens are cute. Let's stick to them, mmkay?

The Tooth Fairy is a Thief

I spent an entire four minutes of my life trying to figure out who is to blame for starting all of this Tooth Fairy nonsense. While we most certainly didn't introduce the concept to Alexis, she's all in. ALL IN.

She's so in that when she lost a tooth last week, she built a shrine around her tooth. I don't have a photo of it because I didn't discover it until well after midnight when I went to swap the disgusting little tooth for a dollar bill. Never risk waking a kid that may or may not be sleeping. Don't even think about turning on a light or using any sort of flash photography. Just stay low, wear all black, and plead stupid if you get caught.

I did manage to snag this one part of the shrine while pulling tooth ninja duty.

Add more random pieces of paper with hearts, glitter, bling, and ridiculousness, and you'll have a picture in your mind that is probably spot on with what I found.

But WHY? That is what I want to know. WHY build a shrine for the Tooth Fairy? Does Alexis think that will earn her a few extra pennies? Earn her a lifetime of Tooth Fairy favors? WHAT?

It didn't get her anything, by the way. In fact, I don't ever have cash, so all the bribery in the world wasn't about to change how the Tooth Fairy comes across money to buy rejected teeth. The Tooth Fairy digs in Alexis' piggy bank. I like to think of it as the Tooth Fairy Recycling Program.

Ahem.

Go ahead, judge me. At least I don't use any of my own money to pay for hideous little teeth.

I just waste time trying to figure out how the whole stupid thing started in the first place. Which, for the record, it has been happening for a very long time.