Blowtorches and Beetles, Oh My!

The very second I told the internet about Taylor and Megan, they started to mock me. For the first time since Alexis brought them home, I saw them both. At the same time. Both of them were at the corner of the terrarium flittering their little legs as they tried to figure out a way to climb up the walls.

::shudder::

I guess I can't pretend that the whole "two of them" thing is a myth. I was trying.

ANYWAY.

I have found it infinitely interesting to watch the internet critique my decision to be all -meh- about signing that permission slip. It's as if there is a pocket of people who have not heard the words "pick your battles." That's what I do. Pick my battles. When my battles are things like "Can I have a beetle that's totally free and never needs fed or anything" and "Can I have a sleepover with 20 of my best friends" I CHOOSE THE BEETLES.

Beetles with teeth > Screaming girls. It's a fact.

Besides, if ever there is a need to make the beetles go away, I'm pretty sure I can figure out a way to make that happen. I probably won't even need a blowtorch. Much.

It wasn't just a "pick your battles" sort of decision, though. Not entirely. It was also a little bit of "damn, if my kid can handle holding a beetle, what else can she do?" sort of decision.

You guys, I can't get the husband to get rid of spiders or stinkbugs that wander into the house, but I bet I can get the 7-year old girl to do it now. Having an in-house bug picker-upper-and-getter-ridder is a HUGE win.

That's just the start of all of the things is going to do in her life. She's not just willing to face her fears, she invites them to live in her bedroom.

Can We Go Back To The Screamy Girl Thing, Please?

Alexis wasn't born a ridiculously girlie girl. She sort of ... evolved into that role. She has certainly always loved pink and sparkles and all of that stuff, but it was generally intermixed with a reasonable view of gross things. Gross things are gross and we don't pick them up, but we also don't scream just because they're in the same zip code as us. For example, if there's a bee in the yard, we don't scream bloody murder and plead for some strong boy to help us.

We calmly walk away from the bee. That's the rule.

Alexis agreed with the rule until we moved to this house about three years ago. That's when I learned that stupid girlie screams are contagious because Alexis caught that crap from some neighbors.

I have been irritated by it ever since.

Which is exactly why I have been steadily challenging the kid to be a bit more reasonable. We force stink bugs to relocate without screaming. We say, "Hi, ladybug!" as we help ladybugs find their way outside without screaming. Spiders gets kicked to the curb but for the love of all things chocolate, THERE WILL NOT BE SCREAMING.

Can you tell that I'm super not cool with girls screaming when something the size of a fingernail is around?

Until now.

Internet, allow me to introduce you to Taylor.

NOW IS THE TIME TO SCREAM. LOUDLY. NONSTOP.

THAT THING IS LIVING IN MY HOUSE. AND IT HAS A FRIEND. THERE ARE TWO OF THEM. YES, I'M STILL YELLING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE OMG LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK.

There is a mother truckin terrarium in that kid's room and she is ridiculously happy that it is now housing two Bess Beetles.

I CAN'T EVEN.

This is science's fault. Totally. For science class, the short peoples have been learning about all sorts of animals. There were guppies and snails and beetles and I don't know what else because those were the only choices on the "adoption form." When the project was done at school, the teacher sent home a form that allowed the kids to choose to adopt something.

Guppy! Alexis, let's get a guppy! We already have lots of fish tanks it can live in!

Noooooooooo, says the Alexis.

Snail! Alexis, let's get a snail! We could really use one in the big aquarium anyway!

Noooooooooo, says the Alexis.

Conversation done.

Nooooooooooo, says the Alexis as she starts begging for a mother truckin Bess Beetle.

I didn't think she'd actually do it, so whatever. I sent in the form. And the hell if the kid didn't show up back at home with two Bess Beetles. TWO OF THEM. Taylor and Megan.

Their care instructions said to put a couple of little twigs in their terrarium so that they can sharpen their teeth.

YOU CAN SCREAM NOW. I KNOW I AM.

Easy Strawberry Rhubarb Crumb Bars

There are a lot of reasons why the tiny little species tulips right outside my front door are some of my most favorite flowers ever.

There are a LOT of reasons, but an important one is that when they reach for the heavens with their cheery cherry pink and blue smiles, it's time for strawberries and rhubarb.

Which, if you've been around for a while, you know that I'm a sucker for all things strawberry and rhubarb. When I walked out the door earlier this week and saw those smiling tulips, I made it a point to acquire the best fruit and vegetable combination ever.

(Rhubarb is a vegetable. Weird, right? I just go with it.)

I immediately had it in my head that I wanted some sort of crumbly bar, but then I couldn't find a recipe that matched the combination that was in my head. I found a couple that were sort of OK, but they seemed more complicated than necessary. Thinking about how I wanted something simple and that was a guaranteed win led me over to Smitten Kitchen and BAM! I found what I wanted. Sort of.

I tossed the blueberries to the side, added some almond, and wound up with something amazing. Better than amazing, even.

These are strawberry rhubarb heaven.

Easy Strawberry Rhubarb Crumb Bars

(adapted from Smitten Kitchen)

1 cup white sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup cold unsalted butter (the "cold" part is important)
1 egg
Zest and juice of one lemon
2 pound fresh strawberries, sliced
2 cups fresh rhubarb, sliced (hint: smaller stalks are easier to cut and less "stringy")
1 teaspoon almond extract
1/2 cup white sugar
5 teaspoons cornstarch
1 cup sliced almonds

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

2. Grease a 9" x 13" glass pan.

3. In a large bowl, combine the one cup of sugar, baking powder, flour, and salt. Stir with a whisk until well combined.

4. Add the cold butter and egg.

5. Use a fork to cut the butter and egg into the flour mixture. When you get tired to trying to get the fork to do the trick, resort to using your hands. You want a crumbly mixture that doesn't have any large chunks of butter. Just keep squishing and you will win the battle. (I'm sure a food processor would do a great job of this, but I don't like food processors. I'm a rebel like that.)

6. Add the lemon zest. Stir it all up.

7. Smoosh half of the flour mixture into your 9" x 13" pan. If you are math challenged, half is about 2 1/2 cups of it. No need to be exact. Just get close.

8. Get out another large bowl. Put the 1/2 cup white sugar, almond extract, cornstarch, and lemon juice in there. Stir things up.

9. Add the strawberries and rhubarb then stir some more.

10. Spread the strawberry mixture over the crust in your 9" x 13" pan.

11. Add 1/2 cup of your sliced almonds to the remaining flour mixture you have sitting off to the side. Mix it all up.

12. Crumble the remaining flour mixture over top of the strawberries and rhubarb. There should be enough to completely hide the strawberries and their friends.

13. Sprinkle the remaining almonds over the top.

14. Bake at 375 degrees for about 50 minutes or until the top is very lightly browned.

15. Allow to cool before cutting.

16. Drown yourself in some strawberry rhubarb happiness. You've earned it.