The Leading Cause of Gray Hair

Remember this?

I bought it back in February when Alexis started asking a zillion questions about where babies come from. It answered her questions perfectly without getting into too much detail. Even better, it laid the groundwork for years of fun conversations.

Every once in a while, Alexis has pulled that book out and flipped through the pages. No big deal. Every once in a while, Alexis has asked me to read that book to her. Again, no big deal.

And then my dumb butt went and ruined all that was not a big deal.

Alexis is reading on her own these days. She's not terribly confident when she reads books, but she can do it. In an effort to encourage her a bit more, lately I've adapted our bedtime routine. For every book she reads to me, I'll read a book to her. It's enough to motivate her into reading three or four books most nights.

Number One on her list of books she likes to read...that one. Of course.

The book is actually a good one for early readers. It uses a lot of the same words over and over, and very few of the words are particularly difficult. She stumbles in some places, but of course that is to be expected.

What is not expected is that she ALWAYS gets stuck on this page. For like ten minutes. Do you know how hard it is to sit and stare at nekkid cartoon characters as your kid tries to sound out "changing?" I'm certain Alexis is intentionally stalling. She's all "Ch... ch.... ch....cha...... cha... chaaan..... chaaaang.... Wait. I need to start over. Ch....ch....ch...ch..."

And then there is this page. Did you know that I can grow twelve gray hairs in the time it takes for Alexis to read the word "testicles?" It's true. Check back with me in a week and I might just have a full head of gray hair.

If I have to make an emergency hair appointment to cover all of the gray, I'm telling everybody it was all because of the testicles.

It Took A Month To Write This Post Because I Was Too Mad To Do It Sooner

In retrospect, I should have known what would happen. It's a tradition as old as Alexis, and every year SOMETHING has to complicate the process.

Each and every summer, I find a white dress for Alexis to wear, I pick a few dozen daisies from our garden, and I take Alexis to have her portrait taken at Picture People. The first few years were a piece of cake, but then one year I couldn't find a white dress anywhere. Last year I couldn't find daisies (there weren't any in our garden because we had moved and the transplanted daisies were still cranky). Both are simple tasks in theory, but in reality I just about lost what's left of my mind making it all come together.

I overcompensated this year. I maybe sorta kinda had TWO dresses stashed for months and months and months. I had so many daisies in the yard it looked like they may take over the universe. I even had a Groupon for the photographs, so once I made the appointment to make a little magic, it should have been smooth sailing.

It wasn't.

Let's put it this way--Oh, new parents. You are SO adorable when you take your tiny baby to get his picture taken. SOOO adorable! It's super cute how you bring all those outfit changes and how you ask the photographer to try again and again to get that newborn to smile because you swear you saw him do it that one time three nights ago and surely he will again if only the photographer tries a little harder and blah, blah, blah. Despite the fact that all Picture People photos wind up looking exactly the same no matter what (as evidenced below), you seem to be very insistent that you get five poses of your little man in his blue polo shirt with plaid shorts, another six poses of him in his board shorts, four more of him in a suit, and don't forget the dozen of him in his sweater vest and slacks! No worries that he's still basically a blob and can't do anything but blobby blob blob his self in a bean bag chair. I'm sure you ended up with dozens of unique photos that you will cherish forever.

We ended up waiting well over an hour past our appointment time. You know, that appointment time that was first thing in the morning because it wasn't my first rodeo and I'm not dumb enough to schedule anything for the afternoon. Ever tried to keep a bored kid from destroying a white sundress and her perfectly braided hair for over an hour? It's really fun, especially when you have a bored husband on your hands. I'm not sure which one of them complained more about the situation, but I really wish they would have taken their complaints to either the parents or photographer responsible for the delay.

(Side note: Oh, new parents. If you truly want a ton of unique poses and wardrobe changes and a photographer who will take the time to get a smile out of your baby? DON'T GO TO THE FREAKIN' MALL. Hire a real photographer. I can even give you the contact information for a few who will do a fantastic job. The Picture People is for generic, fast, "adequate" photos. That's it.)

Anyway, it took two trips to the mall and a whole lot of patience to complete the mission this year, but it's done. Thank goodness.

And now I might just have to buy the lighting equipment I would need to take the damn photographs myself next year. Maybe.

2006--The window for naked baby photos is very narrow, so I took full advantage of it and skipped the dress the first year.

2007--Newly walking babies cannot be expected to do anything except run in circles, which is exactly what Alexis did that year.2008--This level of cooperation has only been seen at The Picture People. I have no clue why that is.2009--The daisies looked GOOD that year. Too bad the guy who bought our old house killed them all. (I moved some to the new house. They're still working their way back to amazing.)2010--The posing thing still baffles me. Why is it that when *I* hold a nearly identical camera, the kid's face gets buried in the sand?2011--We waited so long the daisies were wilted. First time that had ever happened.

Stuck In The Middle

Alexis is caught in the intersection between Baby and Kid. She's big enough to get her own glass of water, but not big enough to cross the street alone. She mature enough to discuss heavy topics like death, but not mature enough to understand peer pressure. She still sleeps with a huge pile of stuffed animals, but she gets herself dressed in the morning.

There is no time when it's more evident that she's stuck in the middle than when we're at Kennywood.

She's a breath away from being tall enough to ride on some of the bigger roller coasters and rides. It's a fact which frustrates her beyond words. She wants so badly to be "bigger enough," but it's just not time yet. Even more annoying, in her mind she's too big for most of the kiddy rides.

She pouted the entire time she was on the swings because "they're for babies." She is vehement when she says, "I'm not a baby." VEHEMENT. WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF IF YOU SAY SHE IS. RAWWWR.

So we find the middle ground and do what we can to make sure she has fun.

I'd say we succeed. Maybe a little.

But there is still the longing that she feels when she looks at the bigger rides. She softly asks if we can ride this or that next, and then sighs deeply when we tell her she's not quite tall enough yet. Every single time we break the news to her, it's a fresh dose of disappointment.

But she's tall enough for the Jackrabbit.

It's an old wooden roller coaster with a few big hills, but it's certainly tame in the realm of thrill rides. Riding it isn't much different than riding in the back seat of the car when we navigate some of the curvy country roads that surround Pittsburgh. Really, it's no big thing.

Except that in Alexis' head it is.

I don't know why, but she's terrified of the Jackrabbit.

The catch, however, is that it's really easy to talk her into riding it. We don't even have to bribe her, we just ask her to try it once. She always does. Each and every time we have asked her, she has gotten in that line and stood patiently waiting until it was our turn. It's not until we are settled in our seats that the story suddenly changes.

She is terrified of that ride.

Yeah, I'm that mom who takes pictures of her kid freaking out. What else am I going to do? It's not like I can stop the ride once it starts. It's all of about 30 seconds long, so it's best if the kid just deals. Terrified and all.

Alexis is stuck between Baby and Kid. She's old enough to be mad when we tell her she's not big enough to do some things. And, yet, she's young enough to be oblivious to the fact that maybe it's best that she's not big enough to do those things. "Not tall enough" certainly sounds better than "so scared of it she may faint."

Pssst....I'm giving away Kennywood tickets on the Review page.