I Have No Idea What You are Quoting

I think it's time that we got a little something out of the way. If you are ever about to ask me, "Have you seen (Insert movie title here)?" just don't. I can tell you the answer without hearing the movie title. The answer is NO.

I don't watch movies. Never really have.

You see, I have the attention span of a gnat. Actually, I have about half as much of an attention span as a gnat does. I could totally get beaten by a gnat in a stare-down because all the gnat would have to do is ask, "Have you seen (Insert movie title here)?" I would end up all distracted and confused and getting my ass kicked by a gnat. So, while I may sit down on the couch with the intent to watch a movie, it won't happen. I'll end up picking up a book or the laptop or a piece of lint off my shirt, and ten minutes later, it's all over. I no longer have any idea what is going on with the movie. Since I know I won't pay attention through an entire movie, I just don't try. It kinda makes Mr. Husband nuts because his entire vocabulary is made up of movie quotes. I never get the joke when he speaks movie-ese.

Anyhoooo, I started out making a list of movies I've never seen, but then I couldn't think of more than like ten movie titles. So, I asked twitter to name the greatest movie of all time. Here's what twitter said:

American Beauty
Breathless
Casablanca
The Princess Bride
The King and I
Saving Private Ryan
Joy Ride 2
The Godfather
Goodfellas
Life is Beautiful
Dances with Wolves
Forrest Gump
Gone with the Wind
West Side Story
Bolt
The Green Mile
Dogma
Ghostbusters
A Hard Days Night
Young Frankenstein
Sound of Music
The Mambo Kings
Casino
The Burbs
Bull Durham
Saved
Rat Race
Rain Man
Good Will Hunting
Big Lebowski
Big Trouble in Little China
Fargo
Caddyshack
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Blade Runner
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
The Matrix
Scarface
Million Dollar Baby
Crash
The Hollywood Knights

Out of that entire list, I have seen:
Bolt
Forrest Gump
Ghostbusters
The Matrix

That's it. THAT'S IT.

And while you're sitting there with your jaw on the floor wondering how I've never seen a movie that tons of people love, like The Princess Bride, let me add that I've never watched a single Star Wars.

You OK there? You didn't pass out, did you? Alrighty then.

Tell me what movie I absolutely must see. Maybe I'll try to stay awake through one or two of your suggestions.

Judgey McJudgerton

Women judge each other. I don't know why, but we do. We see someone, and we judge. For better or worse, good or bad, ugly or kind, we pass judgment.

"She is carrying his cajones around on a short leash."

"Those are some seriously cute shoes. She's got good taste."

"That lady apparently has money to burn."

"She couldn't control her kids if they were in a cage."

"She has got it together way more than I ever could."

I'm as guilty as anybody of doing it. I see somebody, I think stuff. Like, for example, the moms at dance class. I have a big ol' opinion of everybody based on like 1% of their life. That one little hour they spend in the waiting room at the dance place each week is all I have, but in my head I think I have it all figured out.

There used to be a mom (we started a new session a while ago and I haven't seen her since) who made me nuts. NUTS. She was loud. Very loud. She spent the entire hour loudly bitching about her kids, one of whom was in the class and the other of whom was right there with her, except that the little one wasn't actually with her so much as it was running around like a crazed lunatic, usually chewing on used tissues it found in the trash and standing on top of a chair while launching toys at the windows. Really. It made me absolutely crazy that the lady didn't even try to control her kid, and even crazier that she would go on and on and on about horribly annoying her kids were.

I judged her. And, I had a whole story in my head to explain her behavior.

I figured that she was probably a stay-at-home mom who didn't get many chances to get time for herself. She was trying to make the most of that hour when one of her kids was fully entertained and the other was basically locked in a safe(ish) room. She needed to vent to somebody who would listen, and there are no better listeners than a room full of women who have no choice but to be a captive audience.

In short, as much as she drove me nuts, I felt kinda bad for her.

Now, I know I'm not the only one in that dance place who is sitting there making assumptions and passing judgment. I know it because I saw the lady who drove me nuts do it one day. I mean, I physically watched her size another mom up and come to all sorts of conclusions in her head.

Nutso Lady was sitting there, loudly going on and on like she pretty much always did. If you just listened to her words, you would think she was the most confident woman going. She was going on and on about how This Place was the best place to have a kid's birthday party, even though her kid was horribly behaved when they were there and blah, blah, blah. She was at her loudest and giving off her best I-Know-It-All vibes just as another mom came walking in the door.

The Other Mom was one who hadn't been there before. Her daughter was pretty new to the class, and in previous weeks a grandparent had been the one to escort her to class. The Other Mom came walking in, towards what I would guess was her father-in-law, while continuing with a cellphone conversation that seemed it might have been going on for a while. Nutso Lady paused in her conversation as The Other Mom walked by, just long enough to listen in on the phone call and figure out the scoop.

The Other Mom was a doctor. She was talking to her answering service. As she walked up to her father-in-law, she hung up the phone and vented about how parents always waited until the end of the day to call about their kids' illnesses.

You could feel the air getting sucked out of the room as the Nutso Lady observed The Other Mom. Suddenly, she who had been so confident and so loud very obviously felt uncomfortable. I'm no mind reader, but I could see the difference in Nutso Lady's face. She had judged The Other Mom, found her to be incredibly intelligent and well put-together, and decided she herself wasn't good enough.

She didn't say another word the rest of the class. In the weeks that followed, she was loud and boisterous any time The Other Mom wasn't there, but would be quiet when she was.

Alexis, my dear, woman judge. It's just a fact of life. You need to try to be fair in your judgments and know that you don't have the whole story. Most importantly, I want you to know one thing--it's not fair to ever judge yourself, especially if you're going to judge yourself inferior.

The Future Looks . . . Furry. And Wet.

I married a nut. An animal nut, that is. Given the opportunity, Mr. Husband would have an array of hedgehogs, a troop of monkeys, a muster of peacocks, a pack of dogs, a litter of cats, and a mob of other animals running around our house. I've often said that my dream house would be surrounded by at least three acres of property, but the truth of the matter is that he and his merry animal obsession would ruin that dream by taking over every spare inch. So, I make do with our smaller yard and remain very Bob Barker-ish about the whole pet population thing around here.

If ever I need a reminder why I have to remain guarded about the whole pet population thing, all I have to do is think of Bobo the Bunny. Bobo was an all-white bunny Mr. Husband found running around the parking lot outside our apartment in Ohio. Bobo was apparently a former pet who had been set free because he was very tame and perfectly willing to follow Mr. Husband into our enclosed patio area. Mr. Husband set Bobo up with a rockin' bunny bachelor pad out on that patio. Bobo had food, water, was granted occasional visitation by our cats, and had quite the nice-sized garden to roam freely.

Until he ate one of my newly purchased perennial plants, that is. Then he was granted a REAL nice-sized garden to roam freely because I opened the gate and chased him out.

Alexis is the next generation of nut. If I let her get every animal she asked for, we'd have to rent Neverland just to have enough space for them all. She is mostly focused on her quest for a kitten (still ain't happening, yo), but once in a while she gets on a new bend.

Tonight, she started her quest for a baby seal. Yes, a seal. She has it all figured out. I am supposed to go buy her a big, baby seal and it MUST be a girl. Then I am supposed to go buy a pool. Alexis showed me the exact spot where the pool will have to be set up in the back yard. She's going to feed the seal breakfast burritos every day and for every meal, but the seal can only have dinner if it takes the dogs for a walk first.

Y'know, if Bobo the Bunny had contributed to the household by walking dogs or whatever, we might still have him. Clearly, Alexis is going to out-nut her father.

Fantastic.