On the Path to World Domination

There is absolutely no doubt that Alexis is spoiled rotten. She has more toys, clothes, books, and assorted stuff than any kid could ever hope to possess. While I am in great part guilty of contributing to the spoiling, my soft spots are clothes, books, and art supplies. I'm all about cuddling up on the couch and reading a book or fifty while donning super-cute clothes. However, I am not guilty of bringing in the countless licensed character toys. For example, I may have bought maybe two Dora the Latina Whore toys ever, and then it was only because they were soooooo on sale that it would have been a felony to not buy them. The licensed character variety of spoiling usually comes from Mr. Husband or in the form of a gift from a relative or friend.

A certain someone seems to have figured this all out.

A few days ago we were walking through Sam's Club, perusing aisle after aisle of things we don't need. Mr. Husband had wandered to look at Steelers gear, Nana (Grandma) was off looking for water, and Pops (Grandpa) had drifted to parts unknown. It was just me and Alexis wandering down the toy aisle.

We walked up to a Handy Manny heap of plastic and noise and Alexis asked to push the buttons and play with it for a minute. I obliged and waited patiently as Wilmer Valderrama blared out something or other about tools. He might have called himself a tool; I'm not entirely sure.

After a few minutes, I told Alexis it was time to move on. She thought for a moment, then said, "I want Nana to buy this."

Watch out world, Alexis may only be 2 1/2, but she knows how to get what she wants.

Burgh Perfect Staycation Step #4: Do a Little Dance

An Interplanetary Invasion

Hello?

*Looks around furtively*

I think we're alone. Can I come in? I'm Janet -- from The Planet of Janet. The Burgh Baby family has in-laws visiting, and so I volunteered to housesit today.

I'm feeling a little funny about visiting the House of Toddler -- it has been so long since I had to deal with 2-year-olds that I can hardly remember.

Well, that's not entirely true. I remember quite a bit. That's because I have a 14-year-old daughter, and they aren't kidding when they say that terrible 2s are just like teenagers (only smaller in stature).

Their highs are the highest and their lows are the lowest. And the only thing you can do is hang on for the ride.

So from my elevated position as the queen of raising both 2s and teens and having survived the teen years of four of the five interplanetary children, I can offer the following tips for the Burgh Baby Mom and her Burgh Toddler:

MOM ...

* Learn how to do hair: Omigod, hair can be the bane of your existence. Yes, the Burgh babe's hair is a little wispy now, but one day it will be a full head of flowing, tangled, knotted protein. And someone (we won't mention any names *coughcoughAlexiscoughcough*) will want it styled in a princess half-pony french braid twist. And you'd better know how to do it, or there'll be HOLY HECK to pay!!!!

* Teach her the ways of the clearance table: Be not swayed by the puppy-dog eyes when all her friends are doing it FULL PRICE. There are bargains to be had, and she can find them in the back of the froofy store. Then she, too, can have a moose (or a squirrel) on the butt pocket of her short-shorts. Start this practice earlier, rather than later.

* Don't let your babies grow up to be cheerleaders: I know that the Burgh Baby Mom is against the whole concept of cheerleading, and, although my daughter has found pleasure, friends and a whole new world in the cheer realm, I will give her the benefit of the doubt on this one. However, DO find something that rocks her world and keeps her mind and body B-I-Z-Z-Y. There is nothing nicer than watching your daughter have to turn down dates (WITH BOYS! ZOMG!) because, ahem, she has practice.

TODDLER ...

* Go to sleep already: Don't you know that when you're a teenager, you will WANT to sleep? And you won't want to sleep with your parents? So fake 'em out. Get started early on this one!

* Never stop talking: Well, ok, stop talking SOMETIMES. You don't want people to feel like stuffing a sock in your face! But never stop talking to your mom and dad. They will want to know what's up with you, and if you shut them out, they COULD resort to more devious methods to find out. If you don't want them reading your Facebook status or your angsty poety, then throw them a bone every now and then.

* And for gawd's sake, learn to spell: I'm assuming that you will grow up with cell phones and texting and instant messaging. It's not "skool," it's "school." It's not "culdnt," it's "couldn't." And Alexis, PLEASE. It's not "bi," it's "bye." It's one more keystroke! And it saves us old folks from having a stroke ourselves over the demise of the language.

And lastly, remember my mantra. It works for both mother and child:
"This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass ..."