And Then There Were Two Of Us

I am not a runner.

I hate running. Running is stupid. If there are no bears around, there is no reason to run. You will never hear me saying "I ran!" because running. Stupid. Boring. Sooo boring.

But I do it sometimes anyway.

There is no glory in it at all. It's a simple matter of being stupidly stubborn about meeting step goals every day. Add in a pile of impatient, and sometimes I'm stuck with a quick one-mile run late in the evening. And sometimes more.

That's not the point.

The point is, about a year ago, I invited Alexis to join me on a quick run. I figured it could only be better if there was someone to talk to along the way, but then I discovered I was wrong. Miss Alexis, she who is 30 years younger than me, whined so hard I was ready to wine my way through the next ten years. We made it all of 50 yards before she was ready to quit and OMG THE WHINING.

How is it that a kid who can do long tumbling runs, dances for hours on end, and spends half her life on a trampoline can't run 50 yards without wanting to collapse into a pile of goop? UNACCEPTABLE. I told Alexis as much and started making her go with me more often.

And then I broke my toe and running became even more stupid than usual and blah, blah. I stopped with even the quick little runs.

Tonight I decided it was time to get back in the game. Alexis and I laced up and made our way outside. We made it about 3/4 of a mile and my lazy collided with my common sense and suddenly I was all, "Running is stupid. I'm going to walk."

WRONG.

Miss Alexis immediately started in with the "C'mon, slowpoke!" and "You can do it!" and OMG SHE SOUNDED JUST LIKE ME. She said every little motivational thing I say to her, both of the straight-up encouragement and of the reverse psychology type. If I have said it before, she said it tonight.

You guys, I'm annoying. I'm annoying enough that I wanted to punch me in the face, except that it was Alexis sounding like me and she's cute and not very punchable and ugh.

It really sucks when the sins of your parenting because the sins of your kids.

I Better Keep the Keys Hidden. Forever.

I've heard there is some sort of rule that says you shouldn't have kids if you're selfish. To that I say PFFFFFFFFFFT. I can totally be selfish and have kids. I can have both. How's THAT for selfish?

That side of selfish comes with a bit of twist, though. A chocolate and vanilla twist and what? You don't stop for ice cream and eat it in your car when you're alone? You totally should. Eating ice cream without tiny hands trying to grab it is the best because then you don't have to make them cry when you don't let them touch your ice cream.

Not that I've done that. Much.

The point is that I had a photo shoot this past weekend, so on the way home I stopped for ice cream. All-by-myself ice cream. Glorious, glorious, all-by-myself ice cream.

And then I forgot to destroy the evidence.

I meant to throw away the telltale cup when I stopped for groceries, but it ended up staying in the car. I think it's fair to mention that normally *I* do not leave food containers in my car, but the girls sure do. At any given moment, you could make a fairly elaborate casserole with their crumbs. The back seat of my car is exactly what you picture when you think about where the good rats go when they die. There's rat hell, which looks like my super clean front seat, and then there's the back seat full of heaven.

SO. MUCH. CRAP.

So how it is that Mila managed to look past the disaster zone and notice that little cup from ice cream settled deep into the cup holder in the front seat, I don't know. But she did. "I want ice cream!" she said as I tried to put her in the car. She batted her eyelashes as she said it, of course.

"There is no ice cream," I replied. NOTHING HERE TO SEE, CHILD.

"It's right there! I see it!" she replied. Which, WHAT THE FRESH HELL IS THIS NONSENSE? How is it that my two-year old is fact-checking me? HOW?

We went back and forth for several minutes. As we debated, Mila decided she would prove her point by refusing to be buckled into her car seat. Instead, she lunged towards the front seat and then muscled her way to the little cup.

Have you ever tried to stop a determined 2-year old? It's much like trying to wrestle a greased up pig, I imagine. It might be possible, but you're going to embarrass yourself in the process.

Because I couldn't stop her, Mila made it to the front seat of the car. She grabbed the ice cream cup, looked inside, and glared at me. "It's empeeeee," she glared. The accusations were implied.

"I told you there is no ice cream," I replied. Full circle! Truthiness! I was about to win!

And then Mila turned in the seat, put her hands on the steering wheel, and said, "We go for ice cream."

I am suddenly very grateful she's too short to reach the pedals.

Annnnnd ... Break

I had zero interest in watching the Presidential debate, in part  because I've already made my decision, but then Alexis happened.

ALEXIS.

She is really super interested in this election. She's been researching issues on her own and forming her own opinions and, um, Hillary? Do you need a tiny campaign manager? Because I think I have the right 10-year old for the job. This happens to be the same 10-year old who tonight asked a series of questions that basically led her down a path that I'm not sure many adults have found.

Alexis, and remember, she's TEN YEARS OLD, was trying to understand why people say that homeless people are just lazy and need to get a job. Something about it has always unsettled her, and a few of the questions during the debate caused her to be more bothered. In trying to untangle the mess, she asked me to explain the process for getting a job. I explained that you have to fill out an application in person or online, go in for an interview, and generally present yourself as the person who is most qualified for the open position. And then Alexis took that bit of information and analyzed it.

"But how can you fill out an application if you don't have a computer? Homeless people don't have computers."

"But how can you go apply in person if you don't have a car?"

"Okay, so maybe you live in your car or can take the bus, but how do you take a shower? You can't go to an interview if you haven't showered."

"How can homeless people have nice clothes to wear when they go apply and interview?"

"But you can't get a phone call to go for an interview if you don't have a phone."

One question piled on top of another and then another. Before long, Alexis looked me square in the eye and said, "It seems to me that if you're poor or homeless, it's really hard to change that."

And then Little Miss Gets It went back to focusing on the debate, complete with play-by-play of what the candidates were saying, and my head exploded. HOW IS THIS ELECTION REAL LIFE?

Maybe your head exploded, too. Maybe you deserve a break. Here, have a photo of a cute toddler wearing crazy Minion pants.