Suck It, "Sleep Experts"

They said you have to have a calming, quiet bedtime routine.

Sometimes we read a story before bedtime. Sometimes we play in the family room. Sometimes we rock in her chair. Sometimes we play outside. Sometimes there's a bath. Sometimes there's all sorts of running around. Sometimes we take a walk. Sometimes we ride bikes.

We don't have a bedtime routine.

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They said to let her fuss for a minute. "Cry it out," if you will.

The second Mila fusses, I'm there. Sometimes it's ten minutes after I put her to bed. Sometimes it's later. No matter what time it is, I pick her up, soothe her, and otherwise do whatever I can to make the crying stop. Immediately.

I'd rather "smile it out."

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They said to play music. They also said not to play music.

Whatever. Sometimes there's music pouring out of Alexis' bedroom. If there is, it's probably Taylor Swift or some other terrible pop music. It's always blaring. It's never "soothing."

I just can't find a reason to care if it's quiet in Mila's room at night or not.

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They said to always put her in her crib still awake.

Meh. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't.

I do whatever happens to work on that particular day.

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They said to put these things in her room but to keep those things out and lights off or lights on and they're really very specific about environment.

Mila's room is set up the way I like it without much regard for her opinions. As for lights, Alexis sleeps with her lights on, so if doors are open, which is a crapshoot if we're being honest, there might be light in Mila's room. There might not be, too. It depends.

I'm not very specific about environment.

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"Even a wrinkle in the sheets is enough to upset some babies" they said.

Well, that's unfortunate because SUCK IT, KID. LIFE IS NOT PERFECT. DEAL.

Ahem. It's possible that I'm not willing to analyze every little detail of life in the quest to get more sleep.

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They said an early and consistent bedtime is essential.

We're almost never home by 7:30. So. Mila's bedtime is somewhere between ... um, she goes to bed when she wants to go to bed. Sometimes it's 8:30. Sometimes it's midnight.

I say clocks are for people who are far more willing to try to control their world than I am.

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They said you have to make sure the room is the right temperature.

I will cut you if you touch the thermostat. Seriously. I own knives. I know how to use them.

I say life doesn't come with the power to magically keep every minute of every day at 72 degrees. Might as well learn that lesson early.

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They said a lot of things. I heard them all when Alexis was tiny. I even followed as many of them as a human can follow.

With Mila, I was defeated before I even started, so I listened to nothing. Nothing at all. The price I have paid for that is that Mila has slept 10 straight hours in her crib nearly every night for the past few weeks. Alexis has slept 10 straight hours ... WELP. I'll let you know when it happens. I'm still waiting.

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They said if you do things just right, your baby will sleep through the night. It's your responsibility to shape the world in just the right way. You get the credit when it works.

I say they forgot that babies are human beings with opinions and such. They'll do whatever the hell they want whenever they want.

(Look at me being all ballsy and telling the internet MY BABY SLEEPS 10 HOURS IN HER CRIB. It's as if I don't believe this will jinx the whole thing.) (OH WAIT. I DON'T BELIEVE IT WILL JINX THE WHOLE THING BECAUSE HUMAN BEING. WITH HER OWN OPINIONS.)

Potatoes and Zucchini Sauté

Ever since school started, going to the grocery store has been out of the question. Evenings are just too full because of the joy that is cheer and dance and all of the other things, and then there are the weekends. Actually, what weekends? Have there been any? I'm really not sure because zooooooom goes time in the fall.

It will stop eventually. Like, in February.

In the meantime, I'm doing a solid job of managing to find ways to make dinner without leaving the house. For example, today I cruised around the yard and found potatoes, zucchini, and tomatoes.

That's definitely enough for dinner. See?

Oh, wait. There was a thief helping herself when I tried to take photos. Imagine that.

The good thing about this particular version of garden findings was that the result was cubes of vegetables large enough for the thief to eat with a fork. That's her new favorite thing.

My new favorite thing is finding enough food around the garden to get by for another day.

Potatoes and Zucchini Sauté

3 tablespoons olive oil
5-6 small white potatoes, cubed
1 medium yellow onion, diced
1-2 small zucchini, cubed (you want roughly equal potatoes and zucchini, so adjust based on what you have available)
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried thyme
Handful grape or cherry tomatoes, halved
Salt and pepper to taste

1. Large nonstick skillet. Medium heat. Olive oil. Go.

2. Toss in the potatoes as you manage to cube them. Every time you add another potato, stir things up so you don't burn anything.

3. Once all of the potatoes are cooking, start cutting up the onion and add it to the pan. Keep stirring every few minutes.

4. By now the potatoes should be starting to soften, so go ahead and start cubing the zucchini. Same deal -- as you are cutting it, add it to the pan and then stir every few minutes.

5. Once the zucchini is in, add the herbs. Stir.

6. By now, the potatoes should be just about done. Add the tomatoes.

7. Cook for one to two minutes, with the occasional stir.

8. Add salt and pepper to taste. You know this is done when you sneak a potato and it is the exact level of soft you want. Start to finish, it's less than 15 minutes for me to make this.

I like to serve this as a side with faux chicken cutlets. You may, of course, prefer to go with the real thing. Your choice.

She Will Do This For Hours