She's a Rock Star Living in a Pop World

If I were to put together the soundtrack of our lives since Alexis was born, it would consist almost entirely of Signing Time songs. That's not necessary a bad thing since Signing Time is pretty much a kazillion times better than mind-numbingly painful kids music like Yo Gabba Gabba, but it's still a little sad to me. I would love to inject a bit more Modern Rock. If only most of my favorite bands had the IQs required to make it more than five words without cussing . . .



Anyway, occasionally Alexis will get hooked on some random pop song. I guess she's a pop girl living in a pop world, because we've had many phases of poppy goodness. There was a Nelly Furtado phase. There was a (thankfully) brief dip into the Britney insanity. There was a very long (perhaps still going) Justin Timberlake phase. And now we have entered the P!nk phase.







Yeah. So, that's the Na Na Na Na Song. Alexis has titled it as such, and the two of us spent over 40 minutes watching the video over and over and over on my laptop this evening. I'm thinking there are probably a few scenes she probably shouldn't see, and certainly the theme of starting a fight isn't exactly ideal for a 2-year old, but at least that song doesn't make ME want to start a fight like that damn Mickey Mouse Clubhouse song does.



Bring on the P!nk.

I Want My Grandma

My Grandma Norma fought a long battle against bone cancer and eventually passed away just before I started second grade. Since she passed so early in my life, I don't have a lot of memories of her, but I do remember black cherry Jell-O with Cool Whip, snowstorms so bad we had to hold on to a rope tied between the house and the barn when we needed to go feed the animals, and a very deep and life-changing discussion about boogers.

I was probably about 4 or 5-years old when she caught me digging for that golden treasure. She sat me down in the kitchen and told me how it wasn't very lady-like to pick your nose. Somehow our conversation meandered into booger-eating territory and she told me all about how that was just plain yucky. She even went so far as to demonstrate. I learned a valuable lesson that day and never again got caught picking my nose.

Now that I'm adult (sort of), I'm willing to argue that EVERYBODY has times when the only way to get the treasure out is to go digging, but I can absolutely agree with Grandma Norma that you shouldn't get caught with the pinky shovel up a nostril. There should be no picking while sitting at your desk. There should be no picking while shopping. There should be no picking while at the movie theater. There should be no picking while in the car, despite the feeling of invisibility inside all that metal and glass. You have to save the treasure hunting for a time and place when you are truly all alone.

This evening as we were driving back from our usual bike ride, I glanced over at Alexis and caught the sweet child knuckle deep digging for gremlins. I said, "Alexis, please don't pick your nose." She responded by yanking her finger out of her nostril and shoving it in her mouth. Then she cackled with glee.

I think I need Grandma Norma to come explain about boogers.

7 Things All Servers Should Know

We eat out way too much. We're trying to cut back on it, but the fact of the matter is that after a week of everybody working, the last thing we want to do on the weekend is hang out in the kitchen pushing buttons on the microwave. We've always had a tendency to eat out on the weekends while running errands, and the habit has resulted in Alexis being really pretty good at sitting sort of nicely when we go out.

Despite the fact that she's pretty good, I am forever living in fear every moment that we spend in a restaurant. I recognize that toddlers in restaurants are like tiny terrorists looking for a victim or ten, but apparently not all servers realize that. I can't tell you how many times things have turned ugly in no small part because some goober server has done something incredibly stupid. So, I bring you 7 Things All Servers Should Know:

1. Toddlers are ticking time bombs. Your job as a server is to do whatever you can to diffuse that bomb, or at least get it the hell out of your restaurant as soon as possible. Your first step to get food to the table ASAP. Find some crackers, chips, salad, or steal a glop of mashed potatoes off some guy's plate. Just get food to that table before the kid is even sitting down.

2. Right after you throw some food in front of the kid, go grab a wad of napkins. I don't care if the table already has napkins, go get more. You want the parents to be able to clean up any shrapnel if the bomb goes off. If you don't give them the proper tools, you risk spending your evening trying to figure out how to remove dried spaghetti sauce from the ceiling fan. (Hint: Formula409 and lots of paper towels. Or a hose.)

3. I personally keep a ton of crayons in my handbag. (Purse? Handbag? Whatever.) They come in handy whenever I need to take notes in a meeting, and very handy when your cheap-butt restaurant can't manage to scrounge up 3 cents for a little package of colored wax. Since I'm kind enough to pick up your slack, I expect you to bring me paper. Don't give me that stupid blank look that makes me think you have no idea what paper looks like. I'm guessing that children's menus must cost a small fortune, so I'm willing to settle for blank paper. Paper napkins. Scraps. Boxes. Whatever, just something for the kid to color on.

3. Drinks. In cups with secure lids and straws. Any time a tiny terrorist spills liquids, the bomb automatically detonates. This includes any adult beverages. Assume the kid has a six foot reach and you MIGHT be safe from disaster.

4. I know you all like to let cooked food sit under heating lamps for twenty minutes before taking it out to the table, but for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT STICK A HOT PLATE WITHIN REACH OF A KID. I wish I could say such a thing has never happened to us, but it has. It was ugly. And loud. I'm pretty sure a lot of people lost their hearing that night.

5. Make sure the tiny terrorist has some silverware, and preferably some silverware that will actually fit in his or her mouth. I'm pretty sure you see kids eat with their hands all day every day, but there are some kids who like that choice in life. Sure, they will always choose to eat with their hands, but if that spoon isn't sitting there? Duck. And run.

6. Stop by every once in a while and pick up empty plates, trash, etc. You may be shocked to learn this, but even a straw wrapper can be used to cause mass destruction. It's best if all things not in use and taken away from time-to-time.

7. This last one is a biggie. In fact, it's The Biggie. The Make It or Break It. Your life depends on this last step. Ready? Listen carefully . . . Drop the check off early and be REALLY quick about coming back with change or the card. Far too many times we have had a delightful dinner full of Toddler giggles then were caught off guard by a sudden explosion. Once the kid is done eating, the kid wants to leave. Immediately. When you disappear into the bowels of the kitchen for 20 minutes and the kid is done eating? It ALWAYS turns ugly. If you want us to pay, you need to give us the check and run as fast as you can to settle the bill.

If you carefully follow each and every one of these steps, I can guarantee you that nobody in the entire restaurant will even know a tiny terrorist was in their midst.

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