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She Won't Do THAT Again

At precisely 11:46 pm last night, the Toddler suddenly realized that her new bed does not quite resemble the prison she had grown accustomed to--she discovered the ability to get out of bed, even in the dark. I heard the soft little thump, thump, thump of toddler footsteps in the hall and waited patiently as she worked at the door knob to our room. Shortly thereafter, I realized that our dogs are useless.

I am a light sleeper. It is a well-documented fact that every little creak, moan, whisper, and bump in the night is enough to wake me up. In the fall and spring when we keep the windows open all the time, I always hope that our neighbors will show their love by keeping their windows closed. The guy two doors down literally woke me up one night when he had a coughing fit at 2:00 in the morning. I packed away the baby monitor well over a year ago since I really didn't need to be awakened by every breath Alexis took. I can't sleep through anything.

So, the first sign I had that Alexis had gotten out of her bed in the middle of the night was when I heard her open her door. (She's also a light sleeper and since the move to the toddler bed, the cats have been driving her nuts when they go in her room at night. I decided to just lock them out.) I listened intently to hear if Alexis would try playing a rousing game of Dora the Explorer while rummaging through the kitchen cabinets, or if she was headed my way. As I realized she was headed my way, I planned my response.

What I didn't plan was the dogs' response. First, you should know that Jasmine is a Lhasa Apso. She was bred to be a sort of early warning system. Way back in her homeland of Tibet, a Lhasa's job was to sit in the lap of royalty and at the slightest noise, they are to go all sorts of crazy, thereby alerting the bigger dogs that can actually do something about the intruder. As soon as a Lhasa knows that someone else is taking care of the problem, they stop barking. Meg (the Bulldog) has zero watchdog skills. She has gotten the idea into her head that she should just bark anytime Jasmine barks, except she doesn't know when to stop. Her bark is so loud and so deep that you would think she was a 200-pound beast, and not just a 50-pound beast that is scared to death of empty paper towel rolls. Meg's bark, in turn, sets Jasmine off again and on and on they go, usually until somebody gives one of them a good swift kick to the head (kidding, kidding, no one would actually hurt them, much).

I expect one of two things to happen when somebody wanders my house in the middle of the night: either the dogs should go apes*&t at the first hint of a sound, or they should just shut their traps. They should not wait until the Toddler is already standing beside me as I lie in my bed and THEN go apes#%t. They scared the crap out of the Toddler; she essentially jumped out of her skin and went into complete hysterics. And WOW was I pissed. Hello? If that had been a real intruder? The knife would already have been in my chest. What good are dogs that tell you someone is wandering your house if they don't hear anything until the person is already in your bedroom?

Alexis, for her part, was traumatized. I don't think she was expecting a leisurely stroll down the hall to end in being attacked by the two crappy guard dogs. I'd bet a whole lot of money that she won't try wandering the house again anytime soon.

Useless Dog #1

Useless Dog #2

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Reader Comments (38)

This has my crying with laughter! I can just imagine the scene...the two dogs setting each other off! Poor Alexis.

I'm a light sleeper, too, but you know what's really bad? When you wake up nose to nose with your preschooler whispering "Mommy!" right in your face. Talk aboutfreak out! *I* nearly wet the bed.

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMadame Queen

It makes it easier to use the bulldog as a football now, right? We have standards to uphold in the league, you know.

The real question I have - did hubby sleep through it all? Mine always does!

I'm a light sleeper too- I feel your pain. I always hear Ashlyn coming long before she gets to us (our bedroom is on a different floor so she has a bit of a journey!)

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPam

Oh, how funny! Well, dogs need to sleep too right? They must have been in a deep sleep! Poor Alexis!

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMango Marie

Oy. Well, hopefully this will solve the middle of the night wandering toddler problem.

Madame Queen~ I have had the same thing happen and was never more afraid of my own child.

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTootsie Farklepants

My husband sleeps like a log and I'm the one who always wakes up at the slightest noise.

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTammy

Oh my goodness! LOL Poor Alexis!!! I have to say though this had me laughing out loud!

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMommy to those Special Ks

See now though, this could totally work in your favor. It'll be a test of how brave she is - risk setting off the attack dogs again, or stay in the safety of her non-barred prison.

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjayna

Lol. This is another reason why I won't get a dog. Okay, why I won't get a dog until the house renovations are over. But they sure have personality don't they?

As for your little one. Maybe they did you a favor by giving her the idea that BED is a nice safe place to be. You just might get a full nights sleep. Lovely thought that.

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLeanne

THOSE DOGS are so not useless. They provide good blog fodder and are WAY cute.

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMamaGeek


I can't stop laughing! That happened with Gavin several months back...both dogs going crazy, him screaming and crying, me trying to soothe Gavin and trying to locate a dog to *not* kick but can't see over my own dang big prego belly, and darn hubby barely roused from sleep! No offense, but I'm kinda glad it happened to someone else! :)
oh, and I totally dig guard dog #1's stance: hey, I totally caught this dragonfly!!!

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterColleen

Wow. This really sounds like my dog...half chihuahua and half jack russell...a real brute. I'm also a light sleeper, the slightest creak sending my eyes popping open. My mom said it was a real joy when I was a baby and she tried to sneak in to make sure I was still breathing.

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJonny's Mommy

Yikes, I guess she learned that lesson the hard way. Maybe that will make your life a little easier. I'm a lite sleeper, too. Doesn't it suck?

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

my dogs would be usesless too.... Unless they thought the perpetrator may play with them.

perhaps their keen canine sense knew that it was Alexis?

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMisty

Hahahaha!!! Aren't dogs great! Mine are the same way. And my toddlers would come crawl into my bed with, "Mommy, I had a nightmare." It's the sweetest thing, but here's a tip: The first thing you say, before they crawl into your bed, is, "Honey, go potty first."

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFlea

oh my....what a rude awakening. eeekkk....
I hope she isn't too tramatized by it.

I bet everyone was nice and awake after all the barking and screaming. eeekkkk

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCorey~living and loving

I nearly died laughing reading this.

Instead I had to settle for crying. Maybe it will end up being a good thing? You know, in the long run?

Poor Alexis. Question, did she go back to bed in her own room?

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVeronica

Dogs are the dumbest, are they not? Sometimes I wonder why we keep the beasts around. Poor, poor Alexis. Her friends by day, backstabbing terrorists by night.

I was the lightest of sleepers through about half the kids. By then I was so perpetually sleep-deprived that now I sleep through everything except the kids. The heaviest thunderstorm doesn't register on the mom-scale, but a wheezy breath at the other end of the house has me instantly awake. It's selective hearing and I'm loving it.

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

How long has it been since you got a full nights sleep? I don't know how you are functioning.
One more question...Is that picture of Useless dog #1 old, or are you one of those people who leave the tree up until February?

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJen

The picture is from December. There is still a tree up in our house, but it's a little one that sits in the corner by the stairs and I keep forgetting that it's even there. We definitely do not leave the stuff up until February.

Sleep? What's that?

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBurgh Baby's Mom the picture of the Bully!! We had one. He was 65 pounds of pure speed bump! He was 10 and starting to be aggressive toward Jimmy and I and our Lab. So, before he snapped at Morgan, we ha to give him back to Jimmy's Mom (she breeds/raises/shows them and currently has THIRTEEN!!). Uh..where the hell was I?

Oh yes--I got a good laugh at this one. Not that a scared kid is funny, but hey--maybe it will keep her in her own bed at night :)

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKellie

Our Guard Dog is the kerry blue. Unfortuntely she also is on guard duty while dreaming. Many times she's woken up going apes!&t and looked really confused on where she was. But she's good. Drove off an attempted B&E and made sure he thought twice about trying it again.
Scared the living daylights out of us many times and sent Sasha into hysterics.
Our useless dog is the podengo. Rather than bark, she'll come up and put her paw on my shin to let me know she has something to tell me then will walk to a window. Meanwhile get a good game going and she starts screaming.

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBecoming Mommy

Awww, poor Alexis! At least the dogs are cute! Some days, that's all our dog has going for her...

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercaramama

Time to get a German shepherd! lol

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersecret agent mama

Oh poor baby! That would scare the crap out of me too. Sheesh!
Those pics are priceless. You can actually see their personalities. Little stinkies.

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKathryn

I'm sorry - everytime I plan on writing something to support your cause, I get hung up on how damn cute the bulldog is! Seriously, I can't imagine every getting one cuz I think I would just sit and stare for hours....

The one thing I can TOTALLY sympathize with is the conjoined barking. Our 2 wieners bark just because one already is. You can actually see the look on the 2nd one's, I don't know why I'm barking but it seems its the thing to do!!


January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWonderful World of Weiners

I am laughing so hard right now! That is hysterical! I hope she's not too traumatized. The dogs are adorable.
I think it's a mommy thing, just a hitch in their breathing or a whispered "mommy" will wake me up and send me out of my room like I'm on fire.
You're such fun to read.

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

but they are such CUTE useless pups!

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermichelle

Same here...Husband gets all the rest, while I'm up at every little noise. Usually made by our monster cat Smokey:)

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNap Warden

Oh that is so funny. Yes I also laughed out loud!

I am sorry you are having such a time with your little one. Believe me, someday she will outgrow this, become a teenager and then you will be dragging her out of her bedroom!

My 2 1/2 year old is still in her crib. She has never climbed out, only fell once when she thought it would be great to sit on the railing. Yeah, she never did that again! I am planning on keeping her in her cage aka crib as long as possible. She's my last, I am in no hurry to get rid of it. I LOVE being able to put her down and not worry (so far) about her getting out to toddle around the house.

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterIrene

oh so familiar. i have a useless dog, too. but, she's a big, useless dog.
i say, turn the door knob so the lock is on the outside...and lock her in her room!! that'll teach her ;)

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersuchsimplepleasures

ROFL! Poor thing...We had a Lhasa apso too as a child, and they're were supposed guard dogs in Tibet! Yea, mine useless too...

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSandy C.

But those dogs look so cute! By the way, I'm also a light sleeper. But my husband, he can sleep through anything that sometimes, I'm just so envious!!

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTot's Mom

Your "useless" dogs are so adorable! What will you do now that toddler is clearly toddling out of her bed???

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaskiGal

So far she has resumed staying in her bed. I don't know whether to thank the dogs or choke them.

BTW--Mr. Husband sort of work up for the chaos. When Meg's big mouth is right next to your head, you quite simply can't ignore her. He was, however, back asleep in about 2.5 seconds.

January 17, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBurgh Baby's Mom

I'm new to your blog, and I just love your posts. I have a bulldog (or useless dog #2) as well!

January 17, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJen

poor toddler...has the episode scared her out of night travel? We also have guard dog #2 whose guard skills seems to only be honed to people who do the yard and small animals in our backyard which will come in handy if we ever have a home invasion of lawnmowers and armadillos.

January 17, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHRH

omgosh, I'm rolling i'm laughing so hard lol!!!!!!

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