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Sweet Dreams for One and All

While we were in Cleveland, I saw something that I haven't been able to get out of my head. Somewhere in the mall we visited, we came across some a store that sold custom-made dolls. Alexis LOVED the dolls. They were adorably life-like with cute little faces, realistic little bodies, charming little outfits, and came complete with an $89 price tag. For obvious reasons, we put the babies back in their beds and left empty-handed.

Over a week later, I find myself regretting that we didn't buy one of those dolls. I know, I need slapped. No two-year old needs an $89 doll, even if she does take really good care of her toys and almost never asks for things when we are in a store and she would treasure that doll for years and she has been pretty well-behaved lately and it could wear real baby clothes and they were all so cute and


I want the doll.

There. I said it. I want the stupid $89 doll. However, we aren't about to jump in the car and drive two hours just to buy me a new doll. So, this morning I figured I would see if I could find them online. I asked Mr. Google for some custom made dolls and he showed me this:

Um, yeah. That's not exactly what I was looking for. Actually, that image kind of creeps me out. So I tried again and got this:


Clearly, we have a pattern on our hands. I knew there were a bunch of crazies living in the Internet and I knew there were doll crazies in this world, but I HAD NO IDEA the depths of loony the doll crazies could conjure if they found the Internet. I feel the need to share a few of the faces that will be haunting my dreams tonight. You're welcome.

These dolls aren't so bad, but those outfits are the stuff of nightmares. And maybe flashbacks, but I can't talk about that without my shrink in the room.

This one is 40 inches tall and I'm pretty sure she could kick my butt.

In fact, I'm pretty sure she knows how to use a puzzle piece as a ninja weapon of human destruction.

It looks like she already had her first victim:

You can tell me that all those scratches and bruises just make that thing look life-like, but I then get to tell you that you are wacked out. Dolls should not look like their faces were pulverized with a puzzle piece.

Nor should they have evil eyes that can bore holes in my soul.

While I'm pretty sure that doll is doing the devil's work, this one is just plain pissed off:

Her description claims that she is "lifelike and sweet." Um, yeah. Sweet. I must be confused as to the meaning of that word.

Speaking of pissed off dolls, check this one out:

You know what she's thinking? OK, nothing because she is a doll. But, if she were a kid? She would be thinking about how pissed off she is that someone took her picture while she had that doily on her head. That ain't nice.

This one isn't really all that bad:

But it's female counter-part sure is.

I swear on a big package of gummy worms, I have seen the grown-up human version of that doll working the night shift at Waffle House. However, I have never before seen a doll that looked like it smoked two packs a day.

This one is looking to heaven in hopes of having it's prayers heard. It's praying that the Harley chick drops her cigarette ash on that outfit and the whole thing goes up in a cloud of smoke.

At some point during my over-priced doll quest, I started to consider the idea of having a doll made that looks like Alexis. But then I saw this:

Say what you want, that is a 10 on the Creep-O-Meter if you ask me.

This one is about a 13 on the Creep-O-Meter:

Dolls should not look like they are straight out of somebody's va-jay-jay. Never.

I could keep going on for hours with all the scary stuff I found while trying to find a cute new doll that wouldn't give me nightmares, but I have a Penguins game to watch. So I'll leave you with this:

You are so very welcome.

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Reader Comments (86)

Okay- so I seriously had to put the comment pop up window over that last picture because it was staring right at me and giving me the creeps! I am going to have to sleep with the light on tonight and hubby on guard all night for attacking creepy baby dolls.

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPam

BTW, I refuse to link to any of the sites that sell these things. I could not live with myself if somebody was wearing beer goggles and did some shopping after seeing this. Mommas, don't buy these babies for your babies.

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBurgh Baby's Mom


~Fussy hides her eyes!~

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Fussypants

Holy Shite. That last one looks like...God I don't even want to say. It's so ghastly I can't ugh. It's like Marie Osmond needs to get Prozac or something (she makes dolls if you didn't know.)....

That is so freaky. It's freaking me out more than clowns or gypsies and they really freak me out. I am going to have to think happy thoughts.

My daughter is two too and she has a Baby So Real do and that thing freaks me out, it has a blueish tint to it and it's a tad bit ill and creepy.

I am starting to think all baby dolls are creepy.

They have a doll shop at the Pittsburgh Mills that have cute, life-like baby dolls.

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCorrie

Some of those aren't bad. But the majority are. They are seriously freakish. note to self: never look for baby dolls that look real on the internet!

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRebecka

WTF!!!! honestly, lady! that last one will haunt me in my dreams forever!!! Like that's what I see in my head when I hear about those awful mothers who abandon their babies.
And Justin won't be coming over and reading because he's not fond of cute dolls in the first place, let alone creepy ones. He swears that's why we only have boys...because even his SPERM is afraid of dolls and refuses to let us have a girl who would have dolls.
Are the boy-girl dolls in the matching outfits Donnie and Marie?

So you never did say if you found the ones you saw in Cleveland?

And confession: I love the one with the doily on her head...she looks like Cooper did when he was that little, and the doily kind of reminds me of an antique baptism bonnet. *sigh*

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterColleen

You think THAT'S bad, check this out:

Also, if I had one of those life-like dolls, I'd do something perverse with it . . . like drive around with it hanging half-way out of my trunk. Or putting it on the roof in a crowded parking lot and then driving off letting it fall on the ground.

Wow, I'm a sick woman.

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaw Student Hot Mama

I just saw your comment about refusing to link to the websites. I just apparently did the work for you . . .

let the buyer beware!

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaw Student Hot Mama


But hilarious. I always feel a little sad when I see those super realistic dolls. I mean, do childless old women buy them and pretend they are real?

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJenni

Thanks a lot for tainting the fine art of my doll-making hobby. Sheez.

Guess I need to learn a new skill, like ... knitting doggie ensembles.


April 14, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjust jamie

Thanks for giving me nightmares! Those dolls are seriously disturbing. Who buys them? Better yet who makes them? Scary!

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterErin

Oh? Migosh.

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAndreAnna

Holy crap! That last one.... *shiver*! Although I always loved to play with dolls during he day, I was always scared of them at night. I used to turn them so they faced the wall or try to hide them all in the closet before I could fall asleep. And those weren't as "life like" as the ones you posted!! Scary!!

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSherE1

I too have gone on many a doll quest trying to convince Sissy that she wanted one- and spent an embarrassing amount of time doing such.
Never in my life have I seen something as hideous and this last one - ewie! It's the picture of death.
I can picture Kathy Bates' character from the movie Misery with a house full of these "children".
I saw a woman at an amusement park with a stroller and one of those lifelike babes in her arms, talking to it and trying to feed it. I watched her for about ten minutes. Poor lady. Even if you thought she had grandkids somewhere that would be coming back for the thing, it's still weird to talk to a doll - alone - in public. No one came.

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBirdie/That Girl

Yeah, thanks. I was just about to log off and go to bed...but now I have scenes out of Child's Play in my head...guess I will have to stay up on watch the Wild...see you at the Cup!!

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHilary

First, you had me scared for a minute there because I thought you were going to say you liked that first set of dolls. I was creeping out!

Second, that doll in the green in the second picture looks like Gollum (so does the last one) from Lord of the Rings,

Third, my neice's other grandma bought her one of those look alike dolls and I think it is the creepiest thing I have ever seen!

Thanks for the nightmares.

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDebbie Yost

I've never read your blog before but I'm glad I did.
Those dolls are CRAZY and your commentary, hilarious. You had me laughing!

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJaime

*backs slowly out of the room in search of skewers to poke out her eyes*

Thanks for the trip down memory lane of what it used to be like to visit my grandmother's house. I had thought I was over those traumatic times, but oh no, it's all still there . . .

(Seriously, you want to fuck up a kid? Give them one of those last few dolls to play with instead of a cuddly teddy bear or something. Yeah. Way to go, grandma.)

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjayna

OMG! Closing browser immediately after clicking "Publish" for this comment. That 40 inch doll and the last one will surely haunt me in my dreams tonight!

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSandy C.


I needed this! LOVE the pictures!

I will not be sleeping tonight, thank you very much.

How creepy, especially that last one.

I am beyond disturbed!

April 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFrances

Aw man!! I am trying to get ready for I'm going to have nightmares for sure!!!

We had a neighbor several years ago that put a replica of herself in her wedding dress on a pedestal in her bay window. The marriage didn't last. No kidding...

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCecily R

The last one - aiyiyi! And the 40 incher - I initially thought she was a little boy with a mullet. You know she looks like it. And the pissed off baby makes me want to scream, "Where's the Beef!?" You're too young for that, aren't you?

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFlea

I think I had that big doll when I was a kid, it would walk if you held it's hand and everything, it seriously freaked everybody out all the time. I am so going to have to drive out of my way to take a certain picture now for you...stay tuned.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShellie

Okay. That last one? Actually did scare me. Like, I recoiled.

Harley chick? Totally Rosanne Barr.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTootsie Farklepants

be afraid. be VERY afraid!

and creeped out too. very creeped.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterthe planet of janet

That "sweet" doll looks just like somebody's Aunt Agnes! And that last one? Cuh-reepy!

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMadame Queen

The last pic is horrifying. Seriously disturbing. If that was in my house, I would never sleep again.

Thank God I had boys and they didnt want dolls.


Ok, so it isn't just me. I know a woman who makes these dolls and sells them on the 'net. They creep me out!!! Seriously!

They look like little undead Chucky dolls. ((((shudder))))


April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMomma

Pgh Mills has a babydoll store, at least the last time i was there.

Get her a Bitty Baby from American Girl.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Gee, thanks for that.

No really, thanks.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVeronica

Gee, thanks for that.

No really, thanks.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVeronica

Oh holy hell...some are cute. Most are just downright FREAKY!!

Come visit me in NY--we'll go to Jimmy's step-moms and take a trip to the "doll room". You can have your pick of super expensive, super cute, but never in my life will I want them dolls.

(The woman THINKS the dolls will go to Morgan. The woman is WAY outta her tree!!)

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKellie

Yikes. Who knew dolls could be so scary?

Maybe Dora isn't so bad, after all?

God bless.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBia

I have ZERO sympathy for you. You will NOT SEND ME YOUR BULLY so the least you can do is suffer while picking a pic.

Stop complaining and enter my contest!!


Those dolls are very scary. Here's a place with custom dolls (not $89) that I thought were cute.
But ragdolls are hard to make really scary...unless they're clowns

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBecoming Mommy

I have seens ome of those dolls in person and they are definitely lifelike. But CREEPY. Actually, "lifelike" isn't really the word, since they are more like "dead-like". I refused to even hold one, because dead babies are not so much my thing.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGina

HOLY shit. Those dolls are all scary as hell. Please take the pics down. I am going to hide in my room with my stuffed dog now. ~whimper~

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMarmarbug

Hahaha! Those are HORRIFYING!

..after seeing all of those, I have to wonder what the one you saw looked like? Is there really a "life-like" doll that isn't creepy?

Just keeps making me think of Chuckie: these dolls are clearly going to take over the world, killing one innocent person at a time.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAllison

Dollies that LOOK like dollies are fine--the Howler is partial to the ones that close their eyes when they "sleep"...but any "realistic" looking doll is just plain creepy.

I have never ever been able to understand what anyone sees in those things.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermumple

Dollies that LOOK like dollies are fine--the Howler is partial to the ones that close their eyes when they "sleep"...but any "realistic" looking doll is just plain creepy.

I have never ever been able to understand what anyone sees in those things.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermumple

Yep. I'm going to have nightmares for sure! Ca-reepy!!!!
I've always found dolls to be creepy. But that's just me.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKathryn I have to go home and lock all the dolls away!

But on a serious note....$89.00 for a doll that will almost inevitable be naked all the time and dragged through the dirt with fruit snacks stuck in her it worth it?

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVal

The Mills is approximately too many miles away from our house to run up just for a doll that I really don't need to buy. Any Burgh people know of a doll store somewhere in the South or East?

Muchas gracias.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBurgh Baby's Mom

One word....CHUCKIE!!! Give anyone of these dolls a knife and I'm having nightmares forever!

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

So glad I did not read this before I went to bed. SCARY.

I think the boy biker baby was the cutest . . . female counterpart, not so much. And, like Pam, my pop up comment window is blocking the scary baby at the end.

Did you EVER find what you were looking for? The area we live in (OHIO) is known for Middleton dolls . . . they are the "babies that love you back." Funny, after this post that just doesn't sound as sweet . . .

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaskiGal

I am so glad I only checked this this morning...I would have never gone to sleep last night with that last dolls image burned into my brain. Holy crap. That is one scary child.

Ummm...that is a doll...right?

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterboondockramblings

ok... do you have any idea how much i love you? yours is the only blog which I would comment on, after the comments have reached 30+. That being said, when my network went down WHILE reading your creepy doll post, I still trudged ahead, fought with my WN and came through to comment.

Because I have a question.

Photo number 2.

is it a picture of dolls? Or, is it a photo of two children who have been given doll eyes? Because THAT is what it looks like...


Now I am scared...

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMisty

Really. Creeped. Out.

Thanks for that. You are kind to share this with us. Too kind indeed.

April 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercaramama

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