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You Were Warned So Quit Your Whining--It's Creepy Doll Time

A funny thing happened after I posted those Creepy dolls a while back; people started to think of me when they encountered anything creepy doll-related. It's so flattering. I think. Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, since people were kind enough to take time out of their day to send me nightmares, I figured I would be caring enough to share the love. I do, after all, care about you. And you. And you. And, yes, even you cowering in the corner. You will need to open your eyes. Thanks.

First there was a link to a video explaining the "other" side of the story forwarded by Oraeley. Beware of that video, though, because it can lead to hours of appalling YouTube video viewing. There is just SOOOO much freaky to behold.

Later there there were numerous people who sent me the story about how police smashed a window to "rescue" a reborn doll when it was mistaken for a real kid. I have to admit, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at the story.

Then there was the story Pam sent me about edible dolls made out of marzipan. Check 'em out, they are tiny and certainly not appetizing in appearance.

Creepy? Yes. Edible? No. It turned out that part of the email forward was a hoax. Thank goodness.

Sadly, I can't say the same for the edible baby Gina and Modern Matriarch sent me. This is a cake, yo. A very expensive cake.

You know, I've always dreamed of eating a chocolate baby head. That cake is so (NOT) going to be my next birthday cake.

All those emails/tweets/messages got me to thinking. I realized that I hadn't noticed any action going on with the creator of my favorite dolls. I checked out ebay and discovered that the seller had closed up shop. Never one to be deterred, I turned to Google and asked him where or where she had gone.

At first Mr. Google was all HEY! RICHARD SIMMONS HAS DOLLS! And I was all, huh? What? It turns out that Richard Simmons does indeed have a doll line. So I asked self, "Self, whatever in the world is he doing with a doll line?" Self replied, "Self, take a look at one of those dolls. Obviously, he's making them so that people will end up too freaked out to eat."

Tell me that thing doesn't look exactly like Richard Simmons in drag. I guarantee that if you still that thing in your fridge, you'll lose ten pounds in a week.

Since you won't be eating them anyways, you can always use apples to make some dolls. No, really. People use dried apples to make doll heads. See:

The do get cuter when you put the heads on some sort of body.

Or not.

The problem with the apple head dolls is that they just aren't realistic enough. This is a little more like it.

Actually, I take it back. That one is not realistic enough. THIS one is the realistic, um, queen? Princess?

Um, yeah. I really, really, really, really don't want to know who or what buys life-size excessively realistic dolls. Oh, and your welcome that I censored the image. The original? Will burn your retinas.

After a VERY brief venture into Googling realistic dolls in search of my favorite creator, I came across some not realistic but still creepy images.

Dolls should have faces. Not like the apples up there, but they should have faces. Please and thank you.

How about this face?

Ha! I just heard you jump out of your chair! That doll is intentionally creepy. The lady who makes them obviously has an interesting sense of humor. I think we could be friends.

After that foray into my next Halloween project, I found her. Yes, I found my favorite reborn doll creator. She was hiding in plain sight once I correctly remembered her name. The good news is that she's been busy lately. The bad news is that she is now charging $700 per doll. I guess I'll never get to have this precious widdle baby:

I'm sad, because really, she's fantastic. Oh, the fun I could have pushing her around in a stroller and letting the Toddler drag her by a leg . . . It's a shame. Really. I mean, look at her! Realistic veining! Realistic hair! Realistic crabby face!

You're welcome.

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Reader Comments (61)

Told you. It's like a car wreck. I KNEW this post was up. I KNEW what it contained and yet, I was powerless to NOT read it.

I'm entirely creeped out. Mainly by the last doll.

I'm totally ordering a Richard Simmons doll. If that freakish thing is in my fridge, I assure you I will not want to eat. Which means the muffin top can be banished to the curb.


August 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKellie

i'm going to have nightmares...
that doll...the one that looks like a shrunken voodoo baby...
super duper scary.
going to vomit now

August 4, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermelissa

At least they're not in clown outfits.

That Richard Simmons doll would totally be helpful around major gorging times of the year.

August 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

The cake baby lady? She's INSANELY talented!!

August 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterImmoral Matriarch

mmmm...chocolate baby cake head. Yummo.

Why must you insist on these creepy baby doll posts . . . you must really "love" us.

August 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaskiGal

I'm honestly not sure which creepy baby creeped me out more, Richard Simmons or the veiny one.

But I am absolutely certain that I will probably being seeing little creepy doll baby faces in my dreams later...

Good times!

August 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJenny H.


August 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNap Warden

Well, Thank You for the nightmares! Yes, I was warned, but really, having not seen your creepy doll post before I was not prepared! heh!!

By the way I have seen a show on the, uh, sex doll....a lot of really weird people buy those things. the show was like a train wreck, I just couldn't turn the channel.

August 4, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjustmylife

You know, it would probably be worth the $700 cost of the creepy doll, and the cost of the court fees you'd end up paying, but you really should buy it, let the Toddler drag it around (preferrably in public, near a street full of old ladies) and take pictures.

Yeppers. Soooo very worth the money.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermumple

I'm not sure I can even comment. You may have actually struck me speechless.

Although I will bookmark this bitch to have on hand the next time Justin gives me any lip about cleaning the litterbox or taking out the trash. I'll be all "uh, what did you saaaaay???" as I pull this thing up, "are you listeniiiiinnng?", then start turning the laptop to face him, "do I have to show you the dooooollllls?"

so even though I'm now pretty nauseated, will have nightmares, and still can't really comment on the post itself, I want to thank you for giving me ammunition for keeping my husband in line.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterColleen

oh, and you are SOOOOO getting a chocolate baby head for your birthday...count on it!

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterColleen

What the HE double hockey sticks is that person who made the scary teeth doll smoking? Holy crap that is just so disturbing...

Really all of it is. And I TOTALLY showed Jon every disturbing bit of it. Who says a new baby can't bring a couple together???

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCecily R

i am COMPLETELY feeling the love here.

and i'm thinkin' i'm gonna have to go get a piece of cake.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterthe planet of janet

I need cake & apples now. STAT

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAndreAnna

How sad is it that I think the toothy evil grinning brown headed skull like doll is LESS scary looking than newborn realistec wet haired greasy headed baby?



Thanks. No really, I've been getting too much sleep lately and, well, I should really be up all night getting stuff done around my house. No way am I closing my eyes after this post.

I had a doll in my arms one day flopping around and it scared the postman. He was like, did you have another baby? I'm like, it's a doll. He was relieved I didn't treat my babes like that. Phew. Could have been a DCFS day, No?

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterOutnumbered2to1

That doll with the teeth? IS AWESOME. Of course, it should never be viewed by a child b/c it would traumatize them for life.

Speaking of traumatized....that last baby is just wrong. I'm sorry, but that baby doesn't look real. It looks dead. What's with the mottling on the head? Wrong. Just wrong.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMadame Queen

Ha! The last one is realistically an old man posing as a baby. That is what makes it freaky.

And the faceless dolls? The Amish believe that if it has a face it has a soul. One can't let a toddler play with something with a soul, you know. That would be freaky, too.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

You *do* know there is medication for your type of disorder, don't you?! This goes well beyond creepy and I don't believe I'll be sleeping for the rest of the week, thank you very much!

Ooh - I have a bad case of the heebie geebies now! LOL! Thank goodness it is morning.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterwendy

Oh wow, those are bad on a new level! At least you're not content with mediocrity!

I thought of you the other day when I was flipping through the sunday coupons - there was an for one of these lifelike dolls. It wasn't as creepy as your selection, but still.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVerWaynia

Holy crap.
Those are frightening on a whole new level of creeptasticness.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

Oh my FREAKING Gawd!!! I had no problems with the creepy dolls...until that one with the TEETH! I did jump out of my chair a little.
Scariest freaking thing I have ever seen!!!
Thanks. NOT!

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterbeach mama

It was like a bad traffic accident- I couldn't look away! What a nice wat to start the day!

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTenakim

OMG if i was at a baby shower and that baby cake was dessert I would run screaming for rhe hills!!!!!!!!!!! That is just too much!

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Purple Pinkie

Okay so I have a question. Why does that lady that make the realistic dolls always make the dolls have gooey hair? I mean really????
And the doll with the teeth? Ew.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMarmarbug

I was totally going to e-mail you the cake baby.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFireMom

Why, oh, why, can I not look away? I know it is going to just be something burned into my brain forever, and yet, I still look. Not sure who is sicker, you for putting it up, or me for looking at it.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi

I do believe these are some of my favorite posts. I don't know why, but they are. Even though they do frighten me and cause me to have great concern for some of those people. They are all just a but freaky.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterValarie

because i hadn't had a doll fix in a long time... thanks.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMisty

I don't even know where to start. First I'll have a hunk of baby head with a side of marzipan baby to go. please.

Second, good gravy a life sized naked girl doll? Eww!

And who buys these dolls? That last one? Ugly....

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

Yep. You warned me. But I still had to look. And now I will have nightmares.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKathryn

Man, I should have known better and stayed away a few more days...

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterALF

Your obsession is quite unique. But you're right, when I see a freaky baby doll I think of you. You're very marketable!

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKidzmama

Envisioning Alexis dragging that last around the neighborhood. Put a little steak sauce on it and let the dogs follow her around.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFlea

You, my dear, need a hobby - completely void of dolls.

Forget the dolls - Richard Simmons himself scares the sh*t out of me. (Seriously, did he buy in bulk in 1982 knowing deep down that nylon shorts were going to go out of style? His biggest fear is not getting fat . . . it is that someone is going to strike a match in his general vicinity.)


Too funny! I love the creepy baby posts!

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMy boys are Army Brats

I'm sending someone over to break your thumbs because of the fright you've caused me.

Really, there are no words. I think this is the same comment I left last time...

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterElaine A.

Ick, Ick, and Ick! Who in their right mind would want a Richard Simmons anything...much less a doll??!!

And the cake baby...T.A.C.K.Y!

Again, Ick.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBia

Your doll posts are like a train wreck...I..can't...look...away!!! And the $700 doll...might just be worth every cent. You should really consider it.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDanielle

Oh yes, I just HAD to visit you today. Now I expect TONS of cute pictures of your daughter to BURN these other images out of my HEAD. Thankyouverymuch.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLeanne

That is just what I need something precious to put in a stroller. I must make sure the stroller is brightly colored so that dirty fanged baby won't blend in.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterhoneywine

Thanks for the nightmares! That cake is just wrong.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

I AM NOT SLEEPING TONIGHT! Ya did warn me though so I only have myself to blame. LOL

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTammy

OMG these were some VERY freaky dolls!! Thanks

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrandy

I think it might be time to step away from the creepy baby ;)

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa@verybusymomwith4

good grief! you need to check out the cake wrecks blog - http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/. you will love it.

August 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdlyn

I think you love manipulating my nightmares. I thought we shared a forbidden love??

yuck. 'nuff said.

Holy crap that was creepy! I was warned, but still.....

Good one :)

August 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSarcasta-Mom

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