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The Tale of Captain John Smith and Pocahontas (With a Side of Mermaid Barbie)

Once upon a time, there lived a woman with wild hair. Her name was Pocahontas.

One rainy Christmas day, she met Captain John Smith. Upon seeing his super sexy boots, she instantly fell in love.

Captain John Smith loved her right back. I think it might have been because she has cute feet.

All was perfect between Pocahontas and Captain John Smith. They played together, they laughed together, they even laid in uncomfortable positions on wood floors together.

Then one day, Mermaid Barbie came along.

Captain John Smith wasn't sure what to think of this stranger with the scaly fin. Until he saw just how bendy Mermaid Barbie was, that is.

Captain John Smith tried to ignore the hot bendy blond, but she refused to go away.

At first Captain John Smith tried to make things work with both women.

But Mermaid Barbie was having NONE of that nonsense. She gave Captain John Smith an ultimatum. And a kiss.

According to the Puppet Master in our story, Mermaid Barbie wasn't just bendy and hot, she also had a lot of money. Captain John Smith just couldn't say no to that winning combination so he kicked Pocahontas to the curb and settled in for a life with Mermaid Barbie.

But, alas, Captain John Smith was a good-for-nothing cheating scuzzbucket. He had cast Pocahontas aside for the hot bendy blond, but karma would soon come back to bite him in the plastic ass.

Captain John Smith found himself alone, with only his boots to keep him warm.

Serves him right.

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Reader Comments (26)

Is that a tramp stamp Captain John has on his lower back above his green undies?

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJackie Inserra

Yes, yes it is. It's a series of numbers. Probably his phone number or his inmate number. Or both.

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBurgh Baby

Bwahahaha! I've never had so much fun playing dolls. So where was Ken in all this brouhaha? (winks) Life just keeps getting more complicated.(Hugs)Indigo

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIndigo

That is hilarious! Kind of reminds me of the time my then 5 year old nephew lined up all of my daughter's Barbies completely topless. Like he was comparing them or something. He turned about 19 shades of red when we caught him. . .

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKristi

OMG i'm laughing so hard!
fun fun fun!

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSamiJoe

Sadly, Pocahontas becomes yet another raven-haired beauty cast aside for a hot bendy blonde.

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbluzdude

Mermaid Barbie smells like a fish. 'Nuff said.

Captain Smith should have stayed with the dark haired girl. Dark haired girls > blonde girls with no legs.

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjames bainbridge

I think you and Alexis should write children's books. :)

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterwendy

@james bainbridge--The blond is missing more than just legs . . .

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBurgh Baby

Alternately titled "As History Turns." Thanks for my laugh for the day!

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

"Plastic ass" made me laugh out loud.

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

Jack Ass... It's always the blond who wins, but from the sounds of Johns character, she didn't really "win" did she?

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMisty

Well, flexibility is really a tempting trait to have, now isn't it?

Love this post!
Love it.

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLainey-Paney

Hysterical! I love it!

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEvonne

OMG. You make me laugh so hard. Thank you.

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFlea

Who among us could resist a rich, flexible, fish woman.

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOtter Thomas

Loved this!

But I was hoping that the last pic would be the mermaid running off (or swimming off) with Pocahontas. Just for an interesting twist on an old tale.

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercaramama

Bwahahahahahahahahahah...that was AWESOME.

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCarly

LMAO I love it!

I *love* hearing the stories the girls come up with while they're playing Barbies. Last time, Barbie was sent to jail because her house was dirty. I would so be a felon by now.

Alexis's tale still tops them all!

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKatie in MA

Woman, I love you :-) BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

Love it! Why is it that someone always ends up naked when Barbie's are involved?

December 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Too damn FUNNY!

December 31, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBette's Bags

he's even wearing a banana hammock

skanky man ho

December 31, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSupahMommy

Huh. I never would have imagined that men wore Speedos back then.

Who knew?

January 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Sports Mama


November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMaggie

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