Friday, March 9, 2012I Can Draw an Octopus While Driving in Pennsylvania
Yesterday I jokingly (I swear! It was a joke! A very bad one!) tweeted that my poor Bitizens were going to be sad without their Mexican Food now that the texting ban has been implemented in Pennsylvania. It was then that I discovered that a crapton of people are as stupidly addicted to playing Tiny Tower as I am, to which I say HUZZAH! We can be stupidly addicted together! But not while driving. That would be bad.
Except, it turns out that it wouldn't be illegal.
More than one person (including a lawyer!) chimed in and said that the texting ban has a loophole ten miles wide in that it only bans text-based activities. That basically means I'm free to cruise down the Parkway while I play Draw Something. I just have to make sure I brake for the tunnel like a good little yinzer.
Not that I would play Draw Something while driving. I wouldn't. I don't have to because I have taught Alexis how to play for me. See what I did there? Now anyone who plays me won't be able to be sure if that mangled squirrel with a beaver tale that looks like it got hit with a sledgehammer was drawn by me or by the 6-year. Frankly, if she draws it, you have a better chance of figuring out what it's supposed to be.
Anyway, that loophole-in-the-law thing got me to thinking. There are a TON of things that are still legal to do while driving. Just don't call me and ask me to bail you out of jail if it turns out I'm wrong about any of these.
1. When your GPS tells you to turn left and the only thing that is on your left is a river, it's still perfectly legal for you to scream obscenities. Just don't throw the GPS out the window because that would be littering, even if your GPS is biodegradable. (Only two people will get that "biodegradable" joke, but HOOBOY are those two people laughing like crazy right now.) (Right, Becky?)
2. It's still perfectly legal to turn around and yell, "Do it again and I'm pulling over and leaving you on the side of the road SO HELP ME GOD" at your kids.
3. You can read a book while driving. Seriously. A book isn't an Interactive Wireless Communication Device, so it's fair game. Just don't read any Twilight books because an angel commits suicide every time someone reads one of them.
4. There's a really fun game you can play where you try to apply eyeliner while driving. You win the game if you manage to navigate Pittsburgh's plethora of potholes without poking your eye out.
5. Dance party! Search through all of the songs on your iPod for the perfect booty-shaking tune and get down!
6. It's totally legal to eat a Chili Mac from Steak-n-Shake while driving. Spoon usage is optional. Heartburn is guaranteed.
7. You know those Happy Meal toys that make noise? And how they ALWAYS end up stuck under your seat in the car? And how you don't know they are there until you turn right, but then they won't shut up? You can totally go digging for that toy while you drive.
8. You can duct tape your kid's mouth shut while driving. I think. You definitely shouldn't quote me on that one.
9. It's completely within the realm of possibility that you could spend your entire commute perusing Pinterest and figuring out just how many projects you swear you will make, but will never actually start.
10. It's still legal to have an animated phone conversation. You know, just like the one that guy who just cut you off is having. Oh, and that lady who just weaved into your lane. The guy who had to slam on his brakes in the tunnel was talking on his cell phone, too.
Can you tell I would rather we just banned all cell phone usage while driving? And all acts of stupidity? Because I would.
She's Not Perfect, But She Is Pretty Amazing
I alluded to the fact that SOMETHING happened right around the time Penny turned eight weeks old. That SOMETHING was that she went to sleep a baby and woke up a full-fledged toddler.
When we picked Penny up from the breeder, we weren't actually intending to take her home with us. She was only seven weeks and a few days old. We wanted to meet the entire litter before picking our puppy, so we had driven nearly three hours to the middle of Amish country in Ohio to do exactly that. But it turned out that she was close enough to "ready to go" and had fully transitioned to solid food and blah, blah, blah. Basically the breeder didn't see any reason for us to have to make the trip again the following weekend.
I think he KNEW.
Seven-week-old Penny was the epitome of perfection. You guys, she slept through the night that first week. The WHOLE night. I can't say that about my six-year-old kid. In fact, the pup loved sleep so much that's pretty much all she did. She was a cuddly bundle of sleepy fur who wanted to sit in your lap and nap all. day. long.
PERFECTION.
But then that magical Sunday morning came around and suddenly our cuddly bundle of sleepy fur was all OMG! THERE IS STUFF! HERE! AND THERE! AND LOOK AT THIS STUFF! AND OMG OMG OMG OMG! OUTSIDE!!!!!! STUFF!!!!!!
Overnight she went from almost housebroken to What? Am I supposed to be doing something when I'm outside? Because all I want to do is play and chew on this rose bush and have you seen this light and I want to play and what's that over there and wow this shrub smells really good and hey! You! Can I come inside now? Oh, good! I need to pee! The carpet is delightfully boring, so I'll just go right here!
Ergh.
At the same time, she figured out how to get off the couch, up the stairs, down the stairs, through the baby gates, over the baby gates, under the baby gates, around the baby gates and did I mention that she figured out how to go absolutely wherever she wanted whenever she wanted? Because she did.
Penny began spending her waking hours looking for trouble. No power cord went unchewed. No cat went untackled. No toy went undestroyed. I refuse to even talk about what she did to our carpets. Let's just say I'm REALLY glad we own a steam cleaner because when we couldn't find the food she started out eating and had to change? HOOBOY DID THAT DO FUN THINGS TO HER BELLY.
So, you know, typical puppy stuff is going on at our house. No big deal.
It's a good thing she's cute.
(P.S. She is *easily* the most trainable dog I've ever encountered. It took all of about ten seconds to train her to sit in that chair while I take pictures of her.) (I've been trying to train Cody to do the same thing for three years. Still no luck.)
