I'm Too Cool For Homework

I am so not cut out for the Parenting a School-Aged Kid thing.

At all.

I can't make it through a parents email without rolling my eyes.

Parent Association Meetings lead to violent thoughts floating through my mind. (Most of them involve me scheming ways to make that parent who never stops talking shut up. No matter how boring the meeting is, the rudeness of that person talking through it is always worse.)

And then there's homework.

Yes, homework.

Alexis is in kindergarten, and yet she has homework every single night. Is it just me, or is that crazy? I seem to remember kindergarten as being all fun and games, unless we're talking about that whole shoe tying thing because I couldn't seem to figure that out. When I was the last man standing on Can't Tie My Shoes Island, there was nothing fun about it. Still, other than that, kindergarten was FUN.

Alexis' kindergarten is nowhere near as cool as mine was. Or maybe it is and they just make the kids take the torture home. That could be the case. Anyway, every Monday she brings home a folder filled with worksheets that have to be completed and returned on Friday. She also has a weekly reading list to complete and a big monthly project to work on. I don't actually mind the reading list and projects because those tasks aren't the most painful tasks on earth. Her homework is, though.

So, four nights per week -- homework. Super lame, boring, annoying homework. And don't even ask Alexis what she thinks about it. She's even more frustrated by it than I am.

Most of the time it takes all of fourteen seconds for her to finish each worksheet, but that's only after she has spent half an hour whining and crying about how she doesn't want to do homework. It would be easier to fight through the whining if I thought the homework was a good use of her time, but I don't. Most of the worksheets are things that she's known how to do for years now. I once mentioned that fact to her teacher and Alexis ended up with "special" homework that was actually challenging (and interesting!) for a while, but it took far longer than fourteen seconds to complete. So when her teacher suddenly started slacking on the specialized homework, I let it go. I'd rather the worksheets be boring and quick than worthwhile but time-consuming.

Because, you know, I'm not cut out for the Parenting a School-Aged Kid thing.

I'm starting to understand why some parents do homework for their kids. I could knock that stuff out in under a minute. Alexis would be happy, I would be happy, everybody wins!

Homework sucks. Especially in kindergarten.

Yep. Still My Favorite.

As Alexis reached for the door handle, time slowed down just enough for me to catch the litte WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE YEAH out of the corner of my eye. I knew what was about to happen.

"Hey, Alexis. Did you remember to grab your money?" I asked. She didn't really need to have her money with her to go to dance class, but I knew my words would stop her in her tracks. Her little hand pushed the doorknob down, paused, and then pulled away from the door without opening it.

*KA-BLAM*

A puddle of fur sprawled out on the floor. Max's face said, "I meant to do that," but everything else about his demeanor said, "WTH? I've done that a million times and it always works!"

Max's favorite way of sneaking out of the house is to wait for Alexis to approach the basement door. Just as she grabs the doorknob, he takes off at a full run and dashes through a narrow opening before Alexis can figure out that she's been played for a fool. That time, though, the door didn't open, so the cat splatted into the door.

And that's EXACTLY why he's my favorite.

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To be perfectly honest, Max is kind of a demanding little jerk. He'll follow you around launching himself at your legs if he wants picked up, forever leaving your pants with a fur stripe that makes it look like you're wearing orange and white Uggs. Max meows loudly when he wants you to pet him to the point that your ears begin to ring. He is willing to shove his way into pretty much any situation. In fact, during Alexis' birthday party, he risked life and limb by walking through a herd of obnoxious kids because he wanted to be in the family room and he didn't much care if there was anyone in his way.

His most ridiculous habit, however, is his nightly ritual. He insists on spooning with me every night when I go to bed. It's crazy adorabe that he wants to spoon, truly, but he thinks it needs to be done under the covers. He jumps onto my pillow as I climb into bed, and then sits on my head until I lift the blankets for him. He then quickly crawls into his spot, curls up in a ball, and falls asleep purring, but only after he has SAT ON MY HEAD. And if I don't lift the blankets for him, he'll keep sitting on my head, occasionally shoving a paw into my eye. He's all, "I know you're awake. What do you mean you're not? WAKE UP, BEYOTCH." One of these days, I'm pretty sure he's going to manage to get a claw stuck in my eyeball and he'll probably pluck it out and walk around with it, kind of like an eyeball shish kabob.

It's a good thing he's cute.

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Obviously, Max has no respect for boundaries. He thinks the entire house is his kingdom and he positively refuses to be banned from any spot in it. I have tried EVERYTHING to break him of getting on top of the kitchen counters. Wait. I take that back. I haven't tried breaking his neck to see if that will get him to stop, but I have tried EVERYTHING ELSE.

Water with vinegar in it? Pshaw. He laughs in the face of my water bottle.

Throwing a can filled with pennies at him? He thinks you're paying him his allowance.

Aluminum foal? LOOK! IT'S SO SHINY! I CAN SEE MYSELF!

If Max wants to be in a spot in the house, he will go there. That's all there is to it.

See?

I don't know why he thought it was a good idea to jump into a 4" by 6" hole, I just know that he did it. Then he stayed there long enough for me to grab the camera.

But not much longer than that.

And THAT is why he is my favorite cat. It's fun watching Karma slap him around.

She Has Good Ideas

There is an elephant in the room. A BIG elephant. It's threatening to wrestle me to the ground, wrap its trunk around me in a choke hold, and sit on me until I scream "MERCY" at the top of my lungs.

You guys, my To Do List has gotten so out of control that I'm starting to imagine that it's alive. And has a trunk.

I don't know how it is that an unemployed person can have so many things that have to get done, but there it is. I'm unemployed and yet busier than ever. There are things that have been on my To Do List for two months now, and new things piling on every minute. I have reached a level of frustration with it that has smoke coming out of my ears and flames shooting out of my eyes. Things. Things. Things. SO MANY THINGS.

I woke up this morning with a clear mission in mind: I was going to lead the Getting Started with Your DSLR class (btw, more sessions will be announced soon, including some weekend sessions) and then kick some serious ass up until we needed to leave for the Parents Association meeting at Alexis' school. Photo shoots were going to get edited, email was going to get answered, posts were going to get written . . . it was going to be marvelous.

I hunkered down on the couch with my laptop, ready for action. I focused my thoughts squarely on the tasks at hand and started to get busy. And then . . . Alexis' school bus pulled up. Of course. She came skipping up the sidewalk, her coat draped over her shoulder and a smile across her face.

"Momma, can we play outside for a little bit?"

On this last day of January, it was 60 degrees outside. My kid wanted to enjoy the weather while it lasts. So, I punched that elephant in the face and spent an hour wallowing in the glory of a beautiful day with my smartypants kid.

Best decision ever.