Some Day It Will Take More Than A Lava Lamp To Make Her Birthday Perfect

Happy 6th Birthday, Alexis!

I Still Want That Whatchamacallit

There is, without a doubt, a link between the number of items I'm buying and how long it takes me to get out of the grocery store. If I have one thing in my hands? I'll be stuck at that register FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Which is to say, even though all I really needed to buy was butter, I still grabbed a bunch of bananas. I figured they would count as SEVEN. MORE. THINGS. That was one surefire way to speed things up at the register!

Or not.

As Alexis and I stood in line, I juggled my butter and bananas and tried to figure out why the itty bitty crappy little grocery store nearest our house is always busy. You guys, the parking lot smells like rotten fish. Inside the store is a whole other level of disgusting. I only go there in case of absolute emergency, but apparently other people are OK with sniffing fishies while they try to find some strawberries that aren't moldy? I don't understand it.

But, yet, there I stood, third in line when there were three registers open. A few minutes went by before I realized that there wasn't a cashier standing behind the register we had picked. We waited and waited and waited before I finally figured out that the cashier was off on a wild goose chase. There are these fancy things called signs and they say things like "Kellogg's Cereals $2.50" but the customer at the front of the line was all, "Well, this was right by the sign so it must be on sale, too."

It was a General Mills cereal. ::headdesk::

When the same customer questioned the price on the very next item in her order, I grabbed Alexis by the elbow and said, "New line. Now." She didn't notice, though, because she was too busy trying to figure out how to talk me into buying her a Readers Digest. We went back and forth for a moment before I replied, "You know, you don't have to ask for ALL OF THE THINGS."

"But you always say 'No!'" she informed me.

Yes, I do. Especially when she asks for things that I know she doesn't really want. Quit testing me, child.

We found our way to another line. THAT is when the funny really started. "Momma, can I please have some minties?"

"Minties" is her word for Tic Tacs. And the answer was NOOOOO.

"Momma, can I get some gum?"

I'm pretty sure I told her no to that as well.

"Momma, I don't have any minties left. Can I just get one pack? Please?" she continued on and on with her verbal abuse.

I thought back to the early days of parenting and remembered distinctly a time when a parent in front of me in line at another store had thrown a fit over the amount of candy stocked at the checkout line. Her complaint was along the lines of it not being fair of stores to screw parents over like that. I remember thinking, "It's not the store's fault you don't know how to tell your kid 'No.'"

Can I go back in time and punch myself in the face for that? Because I'd like to start blaming the stores for all that damn candy at the checkout. I know how to say "No." Really. It's a point that has been proven over and over and over and over and OMG if that child asks me for gum one more time I might lose my mind. It just would be sooooooo much easier if I could have someone to blame when I give in to the kid in the interest of maintaining my sanity.

While the people in front of us argued over who was paying for the water and who was paying for the dead cow and who was paying for the cigarettes, I started just chanting, "No. No. No. No. No. No. No." Alexis didn't notice that I wasn't waiting to hear the question. She was too busy trying to sell me on every single pack of gum and every single pack of mints that she could find. AND THERE WERE A LOT OF THEM.

I need a t-shirt that says "No" on it. I'll just point to it every time I go out in public with Alexis.

Finally. FINALLY. FINALLY! It was our turn to check out. FINALLY I was able to pay for my bananas and butter. FINALLY we were free to leave the prison of gum and mints.

And all I could think about was how I really wanted a candy bar but couldn't buy one. If only I had grabbed a cart full of groceries, I could have snuck one in without Alexis noticing.

Of course, then there wouldn't have been any sort of line and we would have gotten out of there before Alexis could even think the word, "gum."