2017 total: $12105.73


Yes, I Would Like Some Cheese with My Whine

Did this weekend seem weirdly short to anyone else? Oh wait, it was. I know it's been whined about endlessly by just about everyone today, but can I just pile on the I Hate Daylight Saving Time Bandwagon? Because really, I hate it. Let me count the ways:

1. Just like kids all across North America, Alexis was very uninterested in me telling her what time it was last night. Her little body said it was too early to go to bed so her little mouth told me NO NO NO every time I said it was bedtime. I have to admit, I absolutely agreed with her.

2. It's impossible to convince my stomach that it's time to eat at 11:00 am. Impossible.

3. I really don't care whether it's light out when I leave in the morning. Early o'clock in the morning is still early o'clock, it doesn't matter where Mr. Sun is shining or not.

4. We don't just lose one hour with the whole DST thing, we lose TWO. Maybe you're more efficient than me, but I know it takes me a full hour to trounce around the house and change all the clocks. Well, OK, technically it takes Mr. Husband an hour to trounce around the house and change all the clocks, but it takes me an hour to supervise his progress. I can't handle when two clocks in the same room don't agree, so I have to make sure he does a good job.

5. Until I figure out a way to teach a dog to read a clock, I'm going to have to deal with two annoying mongrels trying to go out on their regular schedule.

6. There are timers on the fish tank lights and changing them requires a feat of balance and skill that I do not possess when I have been deprived of an hour of sleep. That means the tanks are still dark when we leave in the morning and I just plain don't feed the fish.

7. I can guarantee that I will forget to change the time on my watch for at least two weeks. Once per day, I'll glance at it and freak out that the day is going by WAY too slow, but it won't dawn on me that my watch might be wrong. It always takes some major event before I put two plus two together and realize I'm a dork. Every year.

8. Who had the bright idea to do this whole Daylight Saving Time thing on a weekend anyway? Shouldn't it be on a Monday or Tuesday? If ever there was a day that deserves shortening, it's Monday, not a day on the weekend. Period.

9. It's very hard for a toddler to put on her coat and get out the door for school in the morning when she falls asleep on the couch:


Lessons of Love

Once upon a time, there was a Toddler who loved to play with gel clings. She would meticulously arrange them just so all over the patio door.

One day, her mean, mean Mommy decided to join in the fun. She tried moving a bunny over to the field of flowers. The Toddler was not amused. The Toddler ripped the bunny off the window amidst a flurry of words that Mommy did not understand, but she thinks they were, "You @@#%#, how dare you touch my (*&(*^( bunny. You @#%#@. (*&*(^%) _)*&%$%$ )*)&* and die, you (**&^%%."

The bunny was injured during the tirade. But all was well, for the bunny's boyfriend loved her all the same. He saw past the missing ears and knew she was the bunny he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. They kissed.

Everyone who saw the bunnies was filled with love. Even the baby chicks stopped pecking the ground to give each other a smooch.

The Toddler resumed her precise placement of the gel clings and Mommy learned to never interrupt a girl and her bunnies.

The end.


Think? On a Saturday Night? Uh, No.

- Undoing the warm fuzzies from last night was a piece of cake for one rotten Toddler. After walking through a store with her face up my butt for a solid ten minutes, she very loudly proclaimed, "Stinky bum!" Whatever, kiddo. I'd rather be pretty than fresh-scented. Next time try maintaining a safe distance.

- I'm sure you will hear about it on the news, but I will soon be honored by the Academy in the category of Best Actress from my breath-taking performance in, "You Got Dora Sheets, Little Toddler!" Even I believed that I was genuinely excited and thrilled about those tacky pink Dora sheets. And we all know that I plan to assassinate the bossy little Latina just as soon as I find someone that will sell me a shotgun. That was some impressive acting, if I do say so myself.

- Where are the mother truckin' Girl Scouts when you need them? I went on a hunting expedition today armed with mucho cashola and couldn't find a single lazy Girl Scout sitting at a table while her mom sold cookies. I need some darn cookies, people. It's going to get ugly if I don't get some lemon thingys tomorrow. (Why did they change the names anyway? I was fine with "Caramel Delights" and "Peanut Butter Patties." I can't remember that cutesy crap.)

- You with the Georgia license plate driving through Pittsburgh at 8:30 this evening: Slam on your breaks like that again, and I will tell my husband to intentionally ram into your butt. Snow + Ice = No slammy slam the breaky breaks. You very nearly caused a twenty car pile-up when you suddenly realized you weren't comfortable driving 50 mph through the snow.

- Alexis had a play date with the one and only Dylan today. Peeps, he's even cuter in person than he is in pictures. I kind of wanted to nibble on his ear, but his mom was keeping a close eye on me. Darn the luck.

- Earlier this week, I shed real tears when this happened to the very last Girl Scout cookie in our house:

Rest in peace, you beautiful little Dos-Si-Do.