Witch Way Down

Alexis' school doesn't celebrate Halloween.

It's seriously something I never even considered a possibility because pumpkin carving? Dressing up in silly clothes? Begging for candy? I'll be honest. I don't need a holiday to want to do those things. HALLOWEEN IS FUN. In my head it is a completely commercialized holiday with one purpose: get momma lots of chocolate.

Y'all who have kids who actually like candy may not see it that way, but I eagerly await the return from trick-or-treating when I get to pillage Alexis' pumpkin and pick out what I want, er, what I don't want her to have. Whichever. It's the same difference because she'll eat three or four things and then remember she doesn't like sweet stuff. Happy Halloween, indeed!

I wouldn't say that I am overcompensating for this lack of holiday spirit at her school, but not putting together treat bags for her classmates and a few other random miracles of scheduling and such have led to me managing to get more Halloween decorations up than I have the past few years. The other HUGE factor is that Alexis can actually help put up decorations. It happens to be something that she begs to do from the moment she opens her eyes in the morning until she closes them at night. Girlfriend is definitely feeling the ghostly love. She has done a lot to help, including being my chief conspirator in a little bit of new awesome.

There's a lot of new awesome stuff in the yard this year, but this is my favorite. Mostly it's my favorite because it was Alexis' idea. I've seen the idea done before, but I don't know how her little brain cooked it up. All I know is that I approve.

Alexis said we should do a "witch crashing into the flowers," so she got a witch crashing into the flowers.

The chair and flower pot are old. Like, REALLY old. The chair is one that I rescued from the trash probably 15 years ago with the idea that I would repair the seat. But, then I realized a flower pot would fit perfectly in the hole that was left when I removed the seat completely, so that became the new plan.

Of course, I threw some mums in there and then made use of Alexis' witch costume from last Halloween. It's always fun when you already have a witch's broom and tights sitting around.

The shoes are a pair that I stopped wearing approximately five minutes after I bought them. They are miserably uncomfortable so I've always hated them. Now that they've been spray-painted black (they were brown leather) (I love that the fact that I spray-painted a perfectly good pair of shoes is probably making some of you shoe people twitch) and are quite lovely.

Oh. And the legs. It turns out that if you start to ask yourself something like, "Where can I buy . . . " the answer is Amazon. Always Amazon. I found inflatable mannequin legs there. My "Related Items to Consider" are super fun now that Amazon thinks I'm into inflatable stuff. Ahem.

Totally worth it.

I Don't Do Oozing

She sat arranging and rearranging several bottles of nail polish as I presented her with her choices for earrings. Alexis had requested a "makeover." However, I'm a tomboy, so THAT is never going to happen. Since she's a girly girl, we compromise and I occasionally cave in and paint her nails and change her earrings. For now she's willing to let me call that a "makeover." Don't tell her to argue the point, mmkay?

She settled on the little peace sign earrings, a recent purchase she had made with her own money. It seems that Alexis' ears don't mind cheap earrings, so I've slowly been letting her move towards more "fun" styles. As long as they are microscopic in size, we're good with it. If she tries to sell me on anything Jennifer Lopez would wear, I exercise the power of NOOOOOO.

I brushed her curls behind her ear and went to grab the back of the little silver star earrings she was wearing. I sighed as I realized she was missing a back. She has made a habit of losing earring backs. It truly doesn't bother me since earring backs are easily replaced and don't require that I part with a lot of cash. Mind you, I've told the kid a million times that it's no big deal if she loses a back or even an earring. That's the beauty of her being able to wear earrings that aren't 14K gold.

I decided not to mention that she had lost another back as I grabbed at the little star. I gave it a little tug thinking it would slide right out. When it didn't, I was perplexed. I looked. And looked again.

And . . . Oh.

OH.

My eyes grew wide as a whole bunch of not-kid-friendly words went flying through my head. I turned the kid's head and looked at the other side.

OH. MY. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Someone. SOMEONE was so worried about losing earring backs that she had decided to push them on really far. SOMEONE had pushed them on so far that they had become embedded in her earlobes. Apparently, SOMEONE had done it several days prior to the discovery because the skin had totally healed over the earring backs.

They were INSIDE HER FREAKIN EARS. Like, all the way. Completely not visible and only detectable because there was a little lump in both of her earlobes.

I checked every parenting book we own and didn't find a single one that had a chapter called "Removing Foreign Objects From Inside Your Kid's Head." THE HELL? How could those instructions not come with the kid? Shouldn't they be tattooed on her forehead or something?

I weighed my options. I could ask Dr. Google for a little help. That option would come at a very high price, though. The photos I might encounter, the nightmares that would be told, and the general "Yeah, so you're kid is going to die," attitude that Dr. Google has for EVERY kid drama under the sun would have been life-altering. And bad. VERY, VERY BAD.

I don't do graphic photographs. I'm thinking "earring back embedded in earlobe" HAS to summon all sorts of nightmarish Google Images. And, really, I'm pretty sure if I ask Dr. Google what to do if I cough, he'll tell me that I'm dying. He's such a pessimistic jerk.

You know what's better than graphic photographs? Watching stuff ooze out of your kid's head and not being able to react. I know that because that's what happened. I figured since I was too chicken to ask Dr. Google for help I should at least give Project Earring Back Removal a shot. If I didn't succeed, Plan B was going to be finding a doctor. Little did I know that should have been Plan A because I very nearly passed out trying to maneuver that suddenly ginormous earring back through the itty bitty earring hole.

Did I mention that there was stuff oozing out of her ears? Because there was. And it was the GROSSEST FREAKIN' THING EVER.

Nightmares, people. NIGHTMARES.

It took me a couple of hours to finally free the earring backs from her head. Mind you, the kid sat perfectly still and barely complained at all the entire time. It was me who kept needing a break because OMG GROSSEST THING EVER STUFF OOZING WTFBBQ I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THAT CRAP.

(Psst . . . do you have your Crazy Scary ticket yet? I promise nothing there will be anywhere near as scary as watching fluids ooze from your kid's head. There will be lots of amazing food, drinks, prizes, and all-around fantastic shenanigans. And! It's for the kids! All proceeds will be split between Christmas Crazy and Make Room for Kids.

So, buy your tickets. Now.

Or I'll post photos of the earring back removal process without warning. OH. I WILL.)

Snickers Dip

Ever had a Snickers Apple? They sell them at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory for entirely too many dollars, but when someone dips an apple in caramel, smothers it in Snickers and peanuts, and then drizzles chocolate on top? I have a tendency to be willing to part with entirely too many dollars.

But not anymore.

After the topic of Snickers Apples came up on twitter one day, it occurred to me that I should be able to have the same thing in dip form. So I moseyed up to Dr. Google and asked him for a Snickers Dip recipe. Dr. Google looked at me like I was crazy. "No such thing!" he declared.

Unfathomable.

Seriously, how is it possible that no one has ever concocted a Snickers Dip and told the internet about it? I was stunned. So stunned that I decided right then and there to fix the Snickers Dip void in this online world. Not only did I make Snickers Dip, but then I took it to a gathering of brutally honest people who declared it the greatest thing ever. I do believe I have created a new form of diabetes, and it's worth every calorie.

But, y'know, you eat it with apple slices, so those calories don't count. Or something.

Snickers Dip

Just like a Snickers bar, this dip is made in layers. You'll start with your "nougat," then add your peanuts, caramel, and chocolate.

For the nougat you'll need:

1 8-oz package of cream cheese, softened
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 6-oz container plain Greek yogurt
1/2 cup peanut butter

For the caramel you'll need:

1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup light corn syrup
1 cup brown sugar
1 can sweetened condensed milk

For the chocolate you'll need:

2 cups milk chocolate chips
1/2 cup milk (I used non-fat milk because why not? That cancels out the sweetened condensed milk, right?)

You'll also need:

1-2 cups peanuts
4-5 miniature Snickers, sliced (optional)

To make the nougat:

Mix the cream cheese, brown sugar, vanilla, yogurt, and peanut butter in a medium bowl with an electric mixer at low speed. Then spread your "nougat" across the bottom of a 9" x 13" pan. (I used a smaller size pan and regretted it. Very thin layers would be better.)

 

Now top that with 1-2 cups of peanuts. I vote that more peanuts are better, but whatever. You do what you want.

Mmmmm....salt.

Next up, it's time for some caramel. You could take the easy way out and buy a container of caramel dip. Marzetti's makes a good one that is available in the produce section of most grocery stores. But, if you're ambitious, you can make your own caramel sauce. That's what I did.

To make the caramel:

Melt your butter over medium-low heat in a saucepan. Slowly stir in the corn syrup, using a whisk to stir. Add the brown sugar, continuing to stir. Top off the sugar coma with the sweetened condensed milk. Stir well until all of the ingredients are fully blended.

Place the caramel in the fridge or freezer for a few minutes to cool it off before pouring it over the peanuts. I would have photographs of this step, but I was too busy remembering that it's a really bad idea to try to sample caramel while it's still OMFREAKINDOGS hot. Which it will be when you take it off the stove. Learn from my mistakes, folks.

To make the Chocolate:

Warm the milk in a saucepan over medium-low heat. Gradually add the chocolate chips, stirring constantly. You'll end up with what looks like chocolate sauce. Thanks to the milk, it won't harden when you put it in the fridge or freezer for a few minutes to cool a bit.

Once your caramel and chocolate are warm but not hot, pour them over the peanuts--caramel first, obviously. Top the whole thing with a few more peanuts and some sliced Snickers, if you so desire.

Serve the Snickers Dip with apple slices so that you can declare it "healthy." Or something.

Or just grab a spoon. I won't tell.

Psst...Rachel has more recipes over here.