Sometimes the Photographs Say Everything That Should Be Remembered

The thing about photographs is that they tell whatever story you want them to tell. For example, this one tells the story of a little girl who was REALLY very excited that it was time to decorate a gingerbread house and a gingerbread train.

And that is a true story. She was reacting to the news that it was time to play with candy and frosting and such.

This photo appears to tell the story of a very focused little girl carefully decorating.

IT'S A LIE. There was NOTHING focused about that child at that time. She was all "blah, blah, blah, blah-bitty, blah, blah-blah, blah-bitty, blah-blah."  People always tell me that the kid is cute. I always reply that it's because you can't hear her mouth going on and on when you only see her in photographs. ZOMG, HER MOUTH.

And then there's this photograph. If you look closely, you may notice that a certain short person might be a wee bit obsessed with patterns and such.

But you completely miss the part where she lost her ever-loving mind because I dared to put a orange piece after red because yellow goes after red, didn't you get the memo, you moron? Oh, and purple goes on the bottom on this side, not the top like the other side, and how could you not know that? MORON. Wait! How could you put a green one there when OBVIOUSLY red goes there? DOUBLE-MORON!

And then there's this photograph:

Red, green, red, green, red, green, red, green . . . I got that memo. I may have even started the fad when I painted her fingernails a day earlier. However, the overwhelming unseen theme of this photo is one of violence. I would like to violently scream at the douchenugget who thought red icing in a gingerbread house kit was a good idea. I'd like to violently beat that person with a giant gumdrop for tossing in some red sprinkles as well. And I'll get to that, right after I'm done ripping 17 MORE layers of skin off of my hands because CLEARLY I should have spotted the red icing and red sprinkles and ran the other way before my hands were permanently died a lovely shade of reddish pink.

I like the stories the photographs tell. They're full of Christmas Spirit, even though there are moments where I most definitely am not.

Candace is Getting a Lump of Coal

As a kid, I always had better things to do than to sit inside and stare at the TV. There were bikes to ride, fields to run in, snow to throw, and friends to find. With the exception of Saturday morning cartoons, TV was boring. Further amplifying the boring, we lived in a neighborhood that couldn't get cable. The rabbit ears and tinfoil that sat on top of our TV wrangled us a whopping three stations, and one of them was fuzzy enough to make you think you had come across a scrambled porn channel. I didn't care, though. TV didn't interest me in the least.

It still doesn't. I'll watch it if it's on, but I currently have no OMG! MUST! WATCH! shows (I used to be hooked on Gilmore Girls, but alas, my special friends have left me . . . ). I could very easily go without any TVs in the house. In fact, a constant source of battle in our lives is that I would LOVE to be rid of the TVs and cable. Meanwhile, I am married to someone who LOVES his TVs and cable.

Personality wise, Alexis is 95% mine. That other 5% is the rogue-must-watch-TV-as-much-as-possible in her.  She and Mr. Husband will sit and watch movies and TV for hours and hours and hours, blissfully peaceful and happy. I start twitching after five minutes and wind up flat-out too bored to stay awake after about ten.

That's my excuse for why I never know what the heck my kid is talking about. I mean, she goes on and on and on about her favorite shows and I'm all, the what? Who? Huh? I get lost somewhere between the Carly and the Wizards and the WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THESE THINGS? Sorry. I just don't care about the people on The Disney Channel.

Alexis does. A lot.

There is one show in particular that she quotes frequently. It happens to be a show that annoys me to the point of putting me in a coma if I so much as set eyes on it. Phineas and Ferb. I know plenty of adults who like it, but ZOMG. I just want Ferb to bust out in an angry fit, punching anything and everything around as he yells, "I'M TOO SMART FOR YOU DOUCHENUGGETS!" or something. Anything, actually, just so long as Candace is caught by his fists of fury.

I sort of REALLY don't like Candace. I've never really figured out why until today.

Today Alexis and I were making our way over the hills and through the woods on our way home. The calendar says it's December, so that means Alexis was in the back seat being a jerk. It took me all these years to figure out that December is the kid's Evil Month . . . the month when she forgets how to be polite, when her mouth writes checks her butt can't cash, and when I generally want to just duct tape her to a wall, knowing full well that she'll return to normal all on her own once the New Year hits. She sat in the back seat running her mouth, and I sat in the front seat threatening her with all sorts of things.

Let's just say she lost a few toys today. More than a few, actually.

Somewhere along the way I reminded her that kids who are bad don't get Christmas presents.

She thought about it for a second but then confidently informed me that "Candace was bad and she still got her Christmas presents." The "So there," was implied.

I knew I hated that Candace.

Things I've Learned

1. Store Christmas lights by rolling each strand into a ball, with the end that plugs in on the outside.

They don't get all tangled up, it's super easy to test them before you drag them outside to put them in a tree or shrub, and if you keep them wrapped in a ball as you beautify the trees and shrubs, it saves mucho work.

If you roll each strand individually, you can easily store 20-25 strands in a plastic tub. And did I mention that they don't get tangled? Because they don't.

2. It's ridiculous to pay $5-$6 for a bow for a wreath or whatever. All you need to make one is some wire and some ribbon.

Start by cutting a four to six-inch piece of wire. Set that aside and then pull some ribbon loose (you don't have to cut it yet). Make yourself a tail topped by a loop, pinching the ribbon in the middle.

Make another loop on the same side of your pinchy spot as the tail.

Keep making as many loops as you want, just make sure to cross from one side of your pinchy spot (totally a technical term, btw) to the other each time. When your done making loops, bring the uncut end of the ribbon back down to make your second tail.

Wrap the wire around your pinchy spot since you can't just keep your fingers there forever.

Cut your second tail so that both ends are even and then shape your loops so the whole mess looks like a pretty bow.

There's a good tutorial over here, given that my photos are pretty lousy.

3. Daylight Savings and winter darkness destroy my photographic joy. I need an external flash or a new camera body or all new lighting in my house like WOAH.

4. Sometimes weddings don't quite go as planned.

I mean, I don't know exactly what happened, but the bride doesn't look too thrilled.

The bridesmaid seems to have had a good time, though.

I just don't know about these two.

I mean, Ken lost his pants and Barbie, well, she's a bit disheveled.

I asked the Puppet Master what happened and all I heard was "bad girls" and "dungeon" and "naked" before my brain shut down and I decided it was better if I didn't know what had happened in my family room.

5. Kids are awesome. The end.