Teresa Was Right. URGH!

When last we checked on Miss Mouthy ...er... I mean Alexis, she was non-stop jabbering about pretty much everything except for what she wanted for Christmas.

I tried asking her. She told me that was between her and Santa.

I tried to help her make a list. When she couldn't spell the words, I offered to help, thinking that would be my way in. She refused to tell me what the words were because, again, that was between her and Santa. Instead, she drew him a picture. Unless she wants a cross-eyed four-headed gnome with eight legs and three wheels poking out of its head, I didn't know what it was.

I tried to get her teachers to pry an answer out of her. They were met with a Fort Knox attitude that makes it really quite obvious that when two stubborn people have a kid, things get ugly.

But then we went to Indiana for Thanksgiving. There were, literally, dozens and dozens of family members who would surely ask her constantly what she wanted for Christmas. All I had to do was stick close by and I was sure to overhear a hint or two.

The only person who did any overhearing was Alexis.

I know exactly how it started. Someone asked her what she wanted. She stonewalled them. I, because I am an IDIOT, brought up that the only thing she has really shown any interest in was an American Girl Doll. Apparently I said it with such a look of disdain on my face that a black hole suddenly opened up right there, and out of that black hole dozens and dozens and dozens of well-meaning American Girl Minions flowed out. Each and every one of them was dressed head-to-toe in American Girl attire as they waved their American Girl Flags proudly and shoved their over-priced and coiffed dolls in my face.

"But look how well made this doll is!"

"I've had my American Girl dolls for ten years and they still look good!"

"She used to carry her American Girl doll with her absolutely everywhere!"

"That was my favorite toy of all time!"

"American Girl! American Girl! AMERICAN GIRL!"

The fans. They are persistent.

They were so persistent in the assurances that it would be a good purchase that somehow they managed to reprogram my dear, sweet daughter and make her one of their own. She has been fully assimilated, people.

When Santa asked Alexis what she wanted for Christmas, I leaned in a little closer, listening carefully for her response. "A baby doll," she whispered.

Psychotic Santa replied, "What kind of baby doll?" Oh, yes, he went there.

"An American Doll!" the little zombie replied.

She later added that she hopes Santa brings her and her doll a matching outfit.

::headdesk::

A Funny Thing Happened in Indy

There are about 7,526,913 things Alexis would rather do than sit in Santa's lap. On that list is stab Dora in the face, kick a kitten, and eat nothing but chocolate for a month, so you know it's BAD. Really, really bad. (She's still the only kid I know who thinks lima beans are the best. food. ever.)

We've tried every year, of course. It's our duty as parents to find ways to torture our child and exploit her weaknesses. She managed to sit with him her first Christmas (pretty reluctantly, but TOO BAD SO SAD when you haven't figured out how to walk on your own). Since then, she has, at best, made it to within smelling distance of him. In fact, last year we stood in line for Santa for 45 minutes, her swearing up and down and left and right that she was going to sit on his lap. When it was her turn, however, she walked up to him, scrunched up her face, said he smelled like pee, and ran away bawling.

It was a proud, proud moment.

Despite not actually wanting to touch the Big Guy, Alexis has always stalked him. She has stood in malls, staring from a safe distance. She has waved to him and even blown him kisses, but only when there enough room to parallel park a school bus between the two of them. It has become a sort of joke around our house as Alexis will swear on the life of her favorite dog that she wants to talk to him, but we know she's not going to do it. Ever.

So when she insisted that she wanted to stop and wave to him at a mall in Indianapolis on Black Friday, I knew how the story would end. There was absolutely no line at all and kids NEVER take advantage of convenience, so I assumed we would stand there for about ten minutes before she flipped out. Then she would ask to return once the line was wrapped around the mall, out the door, and down the street.

Well, either she smoked some crack when I wasn't looking, Aunt Teresa (who was with us) is magical, or she's growing up.

I was stunned silent. STUNNED SILENT. That never happens to me.

Obviously, this monumental occasion demanded that I buy the crappy mall Santa photo. I quickly glanced through the three or so choices and opted to get a 5x7 of the one that Alexis looked best in.

$17 dollars and a few hours later, I looked back at the photo. In my haste to make a selection before the kid realized the error of her ways and lost her shizznet, I hadn't bothered to so much as glance at Santa. I mean, he's a pro. He should know to not make Creepy-I'm-About-to-Murder-Your-Kid Face, right?

Apparently not.

Look What You Did

Would you look at that? YOU did that.

That's $2425.60 worth of toys. Well, actually, it's more like $3000 or so worth of toys because I *LOVE* playing the How-Many-Discounts-and-Deals-Can-I-Find Game on Amazon and I *LOVE* coupons (never ever go to Target without checking their site for coupons first, people). This year's coupons and free stuff total went over $500. Just thinking about it gets me all giddy.

In case you were wondering how tall and wide that was, here, have a 4-year old to give you some scale:

She was trying to figure out what in the pile was meowing. She eventually found it:

A FurReal Friend in the form of a big fluffy white kitty. After having it in my car for an hour today, I can now honestly say I will destroy anyone who ever gives one of those things to my kid. I'm truly very sorry to anyone who ends up with one of them in their house because OMG THEY NEVER SHUT UP.

Anyway. Back to sunshine and fairy farts.

All that stuff got loaded up into the back of a truck today, covered with a tarp thanks to the lovely rain (OMG, THE RAIN!), and then was attacked by a pallet of art easels at IKEA. It was sort of magical. Then it all made it's way to Toys R Us where several really fantastic and amazing and kind people took time out of their day to help me spend another $790.

That's their "I'm pretending I'm not ready to scream" faces. Let's just say SLOWEST. CASHIER. EVER.

After that was all done, we headed over to Stuff a Bus and, well, we stuffed a bus. A whole bus.

A. WHOLE. BUS.

Somewhere in there was a little Crazy Scary love. Ignore the drowned rat holding the cute little ScareHouse Bunny and hideous blue dress (Did I mention it rained all day long? IT DID.)

Photo by @pghrugbyangel

There's video of some of the magic over at 96.1's website. Not shown is the FIVE other vehicles we needed to get it all there.

Huge thanks to everyone who donated or in any way helped, and an extra little shout out to @tehamy, @kdudders, @duddersmom, @pghrugbyangel, @lisajenkins3177, and my husband.

Y'all are the bestest.

And there's still more Christmas Crazy to come.