Butimjust is About to Get Her Ass Kicked

There's no point in lying about it--I am easily annoyed. I'm sure this is a shocking fact, almost as shocking as Ricky Martin peaking out of that closet that everybody thought was open for years and years and years. Things like somebody clipping their toenails in public or people who cause gridlock or incessant beeping noises that I can't seem to find and smash with a sledgehammer, they all annoy me. A lot.

But not as much as the Monster I like to call Ms. Butimjust.

Ms. Butimjust has been known to invade Alexis' body. I imagine she looks a lot like the little alien in Men in Black who lived in the guy's school and drove his body around like a used car. Ms. Butimjust controls Alexis' mouth, making it impossible for her to start a sentence with any words other than, "But I'm just . . ."

"Alexis, please sit down and finish your dinner," I'll say.

"But I'm just . . . " Alexis will reply. I don't even hear the excuse because the minute Ms. Butimjust makes an appearance, I start looking for the phone number to call in a priest to do an exorcism.

"Alexis, please put your toys in your playroom," I'll say.

"But I'm just . . . " she'll say. She could tell me that she's just shaving the cat and feeding the fur to the dog. I wouldn't know, because the second the "But I'm just" comes out, I start stabbing my eardrums with a spork.

"Alexis, if you go put your pajamas on right now, I'll buy you a unicorn that poops Troy Bolton-shaped glitter," I'll say.

"But I'm just . . ." she'll say, completely oblivious to the fact that she just missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime. Oh, yes, it works both ways. When Ms. Butimjust is in the house, nobody listens to anybody.

If ever I get my hands on Ms. Butimjust, I'm planning on putting a violent end to her, if she stops making excuses long enough for me to beat her down.

That's a stamp on Alexis' face, by the way. I tried to tell her not to ask for it there, but Ms. Butimjust insisted.

Yes, I'm Whining about Something Insignificant. It Happens.

Way back when Alexis was a wee lass, there were decisions to be made. Risk SIDS by putting bumpers in her crib, or deal with a kid who was destined to amputate her own legs by twisting them in her crib slats? Return to work full-time or try to work out some sort of part-time schedule? The white blanket with bunnies or the fuzzy purple one? Pampers or Huggies?

Obviously, some decisions were more important than others. And, yet, some of results of those seemingly unimportant ones are still lingering with us today. For example, the answer is PURPLE. Not white. Definitely purple. Just ask Alexis.

Really, though, the diaper one just won't go away. Still. After trying every brand and not-really-a-brand under the sun, we realized that there were only two that would work for us. Thus, the Pampers vs. Huggies question. After agonizing a ridiculous amount over something the kid was just going to poop on, we finally went the Pampers route.

I made that choice because I am a sucker for reward programs. A HUGE SUCKER. If you tell me that I can have something free just for buying something that I needed to buy anyway, I turn into an over-achieving maniac. I'm pretty sure it was my fault Panera got rid of their frequent customer punch card thingy because of me and my need to get a free sandwich every week. The Gifts to Grow program? TOTALLY up my alley.

The thing about Gifts to Grow is that you kind of have to buy a heck of a lot of diapers to actually accumulate points. I'm pretty sure Octomom is the only parent ever to earn a free thing in under a year. Since we only had one butt to clean, we only managed to accumulate a couple thousand points before Alexis was potty-trained. But! But! Bonus! I found some codes on a website earlier this week!

Armed with my bonus codes, I logged into the Pampers site, all ready to redeem those precious points we earned over the course of the last several years. I copied and pasted and grinned at my brand new total. 3400 points! Surely I could redeem that for a new car! Or a new house! Or at least a cup of coffee!

WRONG.

First of all, please don't remind me just how much money we had to spend on poop containment systems to wind up with that many points. I start twitching just thinking about it.

Second of all, Pampers, really? REALLY?

BABY TOYS?

I spend years anally collecting tiny stickers with bizarre alpha-numeric combinations and you "reward" me by letting me trade points for BABY TOYS?

Am I the only one muy confused by this? It takes years to get enough points for a reward, but by the time you have those points, the kid is too old to care about any of the possibilities . . . That's just delightful.

Yeah. So. I'm redeeming the points for a donation to the March of Dimes, but I'm not thrilled about it. I kinda think Pampers owes me a new car by now. Or at least a cup of coffee.

P.S. Speaking of the March of Dimes, there's kinda sorta a thing over there ------> where you can financially support me and my team as we participate in the Walk for Babies. Please and thank you and I luuuuurve you!

I've Always Thought Kids Were Excellent Judges of Character

Alexis was born to be a Dancing with the Stars fan. From the music to the dancing to the shoes to the dresses, she loves it all. She always has.

The first few seasons we watched the show together, me sitting quietly while Alexis pretended to be Joan Rivers. "Her hair looks funny," and "I like her dress," and "Her shoes don't match very good," were common lines used to describe the action. Alexis made big plans for the day when she would get to wear a sparkly silver dress and sky-high heels just like Brooke Burke.

This season, however, a new level of maturity and understanding has led the kid to "getting" the whole somebody goes home thing. Each week she criticizes the dancing skills of the pairs as we watch on Monday night. Then, on Tuesday, she tries to predict who she thinks should have to go home. She's really very serious in her predictions, and she's not a happy camper when the judges and America don't get it right.

The trouble started the first week. Alexis was torn in her thoughts of who should go. In the end, she ended up somewhat satisfied since she thought Shannen Doherty was wearing an "ugly dress." Then, in week two, she was once again torn between two people. When it was Buzz Aldren that got the boot, she was OK. Not altogether happy, but he was her second choice.

Week three, however, was a totally different beast. Alexis had, at that point, kinda sorta wanted to see someone get kicked off for  two weeks running, and the only answer she was willing to accept was for that person to go. When they announced Aiden Turner was the one leaving, she was mortified. Horrified, even. Absolutely distraught.

The kid BAWLED for a solid ten minutes. "But he's a good dancer!" she wailed over and over and over.

I don't even know who the heck Aiden Turner is, but I guess she had a point. He wasn't the worst dancer still on the show at that point.

Fast forward to the next week. There was only one possibility that would appease the Tiny Terrorist, so I was afraid to let her watch the show. That worked out perfectly for me as life intervened and we weren't home for the results show. The DVR was set, but we weren't there to see the results live.

The next day, she asked to watch the recorded episode. I already knew who had gotten the boot, and I knew it was EXACTLY what Alexis had in mind. What I didn't know was how Alexis would respond to the news. Satisfaction? Glee? Ambivalence?

We sat watching, waiting for the torture to end and for good ol' Tommy to spit out the name already. As he uttered the syllables, "Kate Gosselin," a grin broke out across Alexis' face. She whooped. She hollered. She threw a party in the family room.

"Awww, that's not nice Alexis," I told her. "She really liked dancing. She's going to be sad to go home," I continued.

Alexis looked at me, looked at the crying Gosselin on TV, looked back at me, and said, "She's terrible. She needs to pay more attention at dance class."

Yes, indeed. That's exactly Kate Gosselin's problem at this point.

Ahem.