I'm a Mess. I Know.

It has been exactly 30 hours since I tried to think of an example that would accurately describe how much of a mess I am and couldn't. It wasn't because it's not true, I'm totally a mess, but rather just that I was too much of a mess to think of an example.

FWIW, I was trying to think of an example because I recently met a co-worker's wife and, frankly, I'm a little scared of her. She has it ALL together. Her kids are cogs in a smoothly running machine and it's amazing and fantastic and ... I totally can't do that. The co-worker and I were talking about how together she has it and I was trying to think of an example that proves she's doing well, especially compared to me. Alas.

THANKS FOR STEPPING UP, MILA.

As if on cue, this morning was the epitome of the monkeys running the circus. Mila woke up right around when she should, but then she was in a weird mood. And by "weird" I mean she didn't want to follow her usual waffle-TV-more-TV routine. It's her thing, so it was odd when instead of curling up on the couch, Mila opted to fling herself to the floor.

Imagine the scene. I had turned on the TV and flipped to Mila's current obsession, Trollhunters. Mila turned to me, yelled that she didn't want to watch TV, and threw herself down and began kicking and screaming. My response was, "That's cool. Don't look at the TV," and then I promptly walked away. Because COME ON. If you don't want to watch TV, then don't! I can't make you! Go play or follow me around the house or do whatever! The kid has legs; she is perfectly capable of using them to shape her morning.

She shaped her morning by continuing the fit. It went on for a LONG time. In fact, I was an hour late for work because I was busy not making a kid watch TV when she didn't want to watch TV.

::blink::blink::

When I finally did manage to get Mila to school, she was wearing mismatched shoes, she hadn't combed her hair, and there was ... something spilled all over my sweater. We're not going to try to figure out what because HOW. I ATE NOTHING. MILA ATE NOTHING SPILLABLE. HOOOOOWWWWW.

It's better not to question these things. Just embrace the mess and carry on.

Edible Unicorns

I’ve mentioned that Mila is very literally a “Tiny Human,” and that’s still true. She’s just … tiny. She’s short for her age, but she’s also slender and LOOK, I FEED HER, OKAY?

I swear I do.

Mila is a decent eater, too. I have no idea where she hides all the junk she consumes, but constantly bouncing probably burns a lot of calories, so. While Mila isn’t a health food nut like her sister, she mostly eats what I put in front of her. She’s maybe slightly better than average in her willingness to eat? I mean, she eats tofu like crazy and will eat salad and most vegetables, but she’s going to ask for mac-n-cheese if you give her a choice in the matter.

When Mila likes a food, she REALLY likes it. She goes all in. Mac-n-cheese is top of that list right now. She would eat it for every meal of every day, which, ME TOO! It’s a shame that can’t be a thing. It should definitely be a thing. But since Mila tends to dedicate her life to a particular food, I like to interrupt that habit. You want mac-n-cheese for every meal? That’s cool. I’m going to offer you something you like just as much and watch your little head explode.

Unicorn pudding.

There is such a thing as unicorn pudding. It is bright pink and blue and allegedly has sparkles in it, but really it’s just a weirdly dyed pudding in a cup. I bought it once on a whim. Ever since, Mila has been OBSESSED. It’s all good! I like that she’s obsessed. Changing up her snacking habits is good. There’s dairy and stuff in those freakishly bright pudding cups, so I’m game for making it a regular purchase just so Mila has more things that I know for a fact she will eat.

I CAN’T FIND THE DAMN UNICORN PUDDING.

Apparently Mila wasn’t the only kid who liked it? It went from being on a shelf at the front of a Walmart to being invisible. I have now checked … I can’t admit in writing how many different stores I’ve gone to in search of the magical unicorn pudding. It’s … a lot. More than is sane. I’ve even tried going only to stores that show available stock online, but IT’S A LIE. THEY DON’T HAVE IT. I tried buying it on my phone and then learned they were going to give me plain vanilla when I went to pick it up. I mean, I’ve made a job out of trying to find more of the dumb pudding.

So if you’re in your 20s and thinking about maybe having kids someday, I think you should know that there eventually may come a time when you spend a Saturday night trying to find crappy unicorn pudding. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS. You have terrible ideas. And no life.

(But Mila really loves that pudding. So.)

Mom, It's Windy. Hey. Mom. It's Still Windy. HEY MOM.

Perhaps you weren't awake all night listening to the siding on your house smash back and forth like an angry judge banging their gavel, BUT I WAS. You guys, it was so windy yesterday and all night long. I can prove this in several ways:

1. We no longer have a trampoline. Despite the fact that it was installed in what is essentially a mud pit and was pushed several inches into the ground, the wind done gone and picked that sucker up and flung it to the coyotes. The last time I saw said trampoline, it was hanging from a tree about 70 feet from where it belongs. In pieces. It's not going to recover.

2. My neighbors eat some weird stuff. I know that because apparently it is really difficult to wait until the morning to put out your trash and THEIR TRASH IS EVERYWHERE. I picked up random boxes and cans for 15 minutes this morning, including some weird breading thing for fish and an empty condom box. Obviously, those two things go together and that's why they flew into my driveway together.

3. Our power was out for a loooooong time yesterday. It was long enough for the clownfish I was trying to nurse back to health to die (no circulation in the tank = bad for sick fish). It was long enough for Mila to completely lose her mind because WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE IS NO POWER? And it was long enough for me to be very curious about a comment on the neighborhood Facebook page. It was something like, "Is anyone else's power out? It's really bad when my mom can't watch TV."

I don't know what that means. I don't know why the two sentences go together. I do know the mom in question is old enough to be retired, but why is it bad when she can't watch TV on a Sunday afternoon? What is she missing? WHAT HAPPENS? For some reason, I keep picturing that the TV acts as a homing beacon and without it, mom is wandering aimlessly through the streets. I hope she didn't get hit by a flying trampoline.

4. The wind pulled a brand new Venti Starbucks latte out of my hand and whipped it at my car. I didn't know that was a thing that could be done, especially considering I grip lattes tighter than I do my own children in a crowded airport. It was late in the afternoon and I hadn't had any caffeine and yet ... buh-bye.

5. Oh, hey. Did I mention that it was windy? MILA DID. All of the times. She spent a good portion of her day telling me that it was windy and commenting on the wind and it was swell. It was especially swell when I was trying to focus on driving and not hitting any downed tree branches. Focusing usually helps with that, and I don't mean focusing on the wee person in the back seat who talks a lot, MILA.

6. Not helping Mila forget her woes was the shenanigans that happened when we went to see How to Train Your Dragon 3. The power went out at the theater and it was really super annoying because it happened exactly at the point where the hero of the movie is figuring out how to hero and all the action is happening. We had about 15 minutes of waiting for the power to return and the theater folks to get things back where they belonged. It was the longest 15 minutes of my life, MILA.

So, here's to hoping we're done with the wind because I truly think Mila's little head will fall off if we have another day like that one.