Verbal Monkey with No Commons Sense

Through a series of events that I can't identify, but that I'm sure involved spending too much money, I found myself holding a 20% off entire purchase coupon for Target.

Let's let the glory of that phrase set in, shall we? 20% OFF ENTIRE PURCHASE. TARGET.

::HappySigh::

As a logical human being who understands the majesty of such a coupon, I planned and plotted how that would be used. I waited and watched and decided that today would be my day. I was going to buy ALL OF THE THINGS.

Given that I haven't bought groceries in a month (we're surviving on cookies, cereal, and mystery foods that Mila pulls out from between the couch cushions), that ALL OF THE THINGS is a rather large order. I suspected I might need a semi to get it all home, especially since I had all of those last-minute Christmas gifts to grab and Santa hadn't taken care of stockings just yet.

Which, Santa believes in toiletries. It's true! He likes to stuff underwear and shampoo and all of those things that you straight-up need in life into your stocking. While the cost of all of those little things certainly adds up, Santa saves us from having to buy anything like that for months and months. Also, 20% off! Plus Cartwheel! Plus regular coupons! Plus Red Card! AHOY!

There was just one catch to my little plan. While I was prepared to spend hours in Target filling up cart after cart, I had a partner in crime. That partner in crime was prepared to spend hours in Target ripping things off of shelves, throwing other things across the store, yelling "HI!" at every single person who walked by, and I do believe there were plans for burning the store down at the end.

Hello, Mila. You're fun.

If you've met Mila, you understand that I'm not exaggerating when I say that it requires duct tape, booze, and enough luck to win the lottery twice in order to get that kid to sit in a cart for more than three minutes. She's a nimble little thing, so even when well strapped in, she just stands up and is free of all constraints. I have a lot of tricks that I employ to survive shopping trips with the little imp.

I ran out of tricks before we made it to the second aisle. I also ran out of yogurt-covered raisins, because why not? Why wouldn't I want to pay for an empty package? It's not like I had started the trip by purchasing a full meal of the kid's choosing or anything. Ahem.

I learned a few things by spending far too long in Target trying to shop yet having to constantly re-cage a verbal monkey with no common sense.

1. Verbal monkeys with no common sense are really good at spotting glass objects that are on a low shelf.

2. I'm really good at diving and catching glass objects before they hit the ground.

3. Toy cars are fun.

4. To throw.

5. People who don't say "hi" back to a friendly toddler are jerks. Mostly I say that because she repeats her "hi" louder and louder and LOUDER AND LOUDER until somebody returns the pleasantry or shoves a pacifier in her mouth. Oh look, we aren't done with the paci after all. WELP.

6. I'm not broke because of daycare expenses; It's because I walk around with a verbal monkey with no common sense. There is no time to find the lowest price on a bottle of shampoo. JUST GRAB THAT ONE, OMG. GET BACK HERE, CHILD. WHY ARE YOU CLIMBING THE SHELF? STAAAAAAHP.

7. Shopping lists are only helpful up until the point when the toddler snares the list in her grubby little hands and then turns it into confetti.

8. Spilled milk is absolutely worth crying over.

9. Especially when it's mixed with list confetti.

10. Shopping with a verbal monkey with no common sense will take 10 years off of your life.

And one bonus thing I learned:

Mila is $24.99. The 20% off coupon isn't valid on her, though.

Thank You, Orb Factory

If you hang out around Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook, you may already know this, but Orb Factory is full of awesomeness.

Like, they're every bit as awesome as some sparkling kittens.

Even a GIANT PILE of sparkling kittens.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, Orb Factory sent me an email that basically said, "Want more toys for Christmas Crazy?" and I said yes and TAAAAH-DAAAAH!

Three giant boxes of toys showed up.

It's a lot of toys. They're mostly fun little mess-free mosaics that use stickers in place of glass or tile or whatever. There are also some fabric craft kits and tons of other fun things.

They're going to make a lot of kids happy this Christmas, so thank you Orb Factory.

If you're looking to make a few of the kids in your life happy this holiday season, might I make some suggestions?

1. This penguin is ADORABLE.

2. And so is this puppy.

3. UNICORN.

4.DRAGONS.

5. The recommended age for this monkey mosaic is 3+, but I suspect that Mila will be ready for it in the next few months. Because MONKEY.

6. Alexis is obsessed with jewelry boxes lately, so she'll be up for this kitty one.

7. Hello, gift set.

8. Christmas tree ornament!

9. Has building a volcano ever not been fun?

10. I just ordered these monsters for myself because OBVIOUSLY. I'm sticking one to my laptop.

Thanks again, Orb Factory. You did good.

As for the rest of you, Christmas Crazy delivery will be happening next week, so this is your last chance to grab yourself some good karma. Links to the Amazon Wishlist and PayPal are here.

Not Even the Cereal is Safe

Mila and I have had the exact same conversation three times in the past week or so.

"Go to sleep?" Mila says.

YES. MILA SAYS THAT. She has said it about an hour before her normal bedtime. It's a trap, right? IT HAS TO BE A TRAP.

Thus, I respond, "Quit lying to me, child," but then she asks to go to sleep again and again until suddenly I find myself in her bedroom putting her down for the night. If you're imagining that I look scared out of my mind while doing so, you win!

I would probably be calmer in a hostage situation than I am when my one year-old asks to go to bed. On purpose. Without prompting. And apparently means it.

I have essentially spent my every waking moment trying to figure out what the trap is. There's definitely a trap. Tiny humans do not willingly go to bed. It's not possible. So what is she up to?

I think I figured it out somewhere between the moment when Mila threw a package of oatmeal all over the pantry floor and when she emptied a bag of crackers all over the pantry floor. She long ago figured out that the pantry is where we hide all of the food, so I've been moving things to higher and higher shelves to keep her out of them. The candy stash, the boxes of cereal, the cookies ... they've all been relocated to higher ground in order to protect them from hurricane Mila. Each time she takes an interest in something new, I move it.

That means our pantry looks like something you'd see after a flood. There food is all above the water line with empty shelves surrounding the lower part of the space. If Mila could reach it, I have probably moved it by now.

Mila's bedroom is above our kitchen. It's not far from being above the pantry.

I think Mila is digging a tunnel from her room to the pantry. THAT is why she's been asking to go to bed early -- she needs the time to dig a bit more of her tunnel.

I AM ON TO YOU, MILA.