I Can't Love Everything About Christmas

While half the internet is yelling TOO SOON at me because I pregame the Christmas decorating season, someone has been making me look like a slacker.

I spent the end of last week scurrying to get as many of my indoor decorations set as I could. I knew it would be a busy weekend and YOU GUYS. THERE ARE ONLY TWO WEEKS UNTIL THANKSGIVING. And the two weekends between now and then? They're so full. Wonderfully full, but still. The clock is ticking and if I want to get all of the Christmas trees up and decorated before January, I need to scurry a little bit faster.

(In case you haven't noticed, I couldn't possibly care less that y'all think it's "too soon." I mean, you're sitting over there in the dark at 5:30 every night because the sun sets way too early, but I'm over here looking at sparkly lights. I'm definitely winning.) (Also, maybe you believe in preseason football or preseason hockey or whatever. I believe in preason Christmas.) (Every time someone gives me grief for decorating inside my own home too early, I plug in another string of lights. Thanks for the incentive to make more sparkle!) (I just love parenthesis. So much.) (ANYWAY.)

Somewhere between day 1 of scurrying and day 2 of scurrying more, I realized one of my accomplices was missing. Mila was happily grabbing things out of tubs and hanging ornaments and OMG SO ADORABLE, but the other one? She was nowhere to be found.

After some effort, I found her hiding in her room. Decorating.

She decorated a tree. She strung some garland. She plugged in some lights.

FOR THE MOTHER TRUCKIN ELF ON THE SHELF.

Alexis has converted her dollhouse into an Elf mansion, complete with elaborate holiday decorations. She has Christmas music playing essentially 24/7 and wants to know why the Elf hasn't arrived yet. Is she here yet? She should be here. It's time for the Elf!

I need someone to ruin the Elf fun for her, please. It needs to happen before the joy is spread to Miss Mila and I end up stuck hiding a stupid Elf for several more years.

Secret Agent Alexis

I've known for a while that Alexis leads a super secret double life, but I still ask to attend Parent Teacher Conferences. Around here, they're generally optional for kids who are on track to turn into Jessie Spano with her crazy caffeine pills, but two things:

1. I like to be reminded that the mouthy know-it-all who lives in my house spends her days being lovely and cooperative and generally awesome.

2. To hell with that stupid agenda. Are they a thing everywhere, or just here? Every day Alexis comes home with homework assignments written in an agenda. I'm supposed to check over her homework and then sign the agenda confirming that she did what she was supposed to do, but screw that. There's lots of things wrong with that scenario, but the fact that her grade is partially dependent on me remembering to sign something is the wrong thing that makes me nuts.

I admit it. I wanted a Parent Teacher Conference because I wanted to beg my way out of the daily agenda signature. If Alexis doesn't do her homework, she'll pay the price. She shouldn't have to pay the price for me not doing my thing.

I failed in my mission.

Sort of.

After I kindly asked what the objective is with the agenda signature thingy, something became very clear. Alexis' teacher checks her agenda about as often as I check Alexis' homework. Which is to say, neither one of us is checking anything. So! In theory I can stop signing!

But in reality, that kid who leads the super secret double life can't possibly fathom a world where she doesn't follow directions spelled out by her teacher. I need her teacher to say "Stop doing it." If I say, "Let's just not and I bet it will be okay," Alexis' head will EXPLODE. KABLOOEY.

There's good and bad to this whole thing where the kid has to follow rules at school or she's lost in life.

I better go sign that stupid agenda.

Apple Cinnamon Monkey Bread

It wouldn't be a weekend if Alexis didn't have more plans to socialize than anyone I know. The kid is constantly staying over at someone's house or entertaining a crew at our house or whatever. She has people, is what I'm saying.

When one of her people stays overnight here, I take it upon myself to make Monkey Bread a thing for breakfast. I say it's a special treat for guests, but the truth is I WANT IT. A good excuse is a good excuse, so I take it.

The last few times Monkey Bread has happened, it's been with an Alexis-requested twist. She can't leave junk food alone, so she's been asking me to add something healthy to it. The last few times it has been apples. Which, sure.

That's easy enough.

Of course, if I'm going to throw apples in there, I'm also going to throw caramel in there. Don't tell Alexis, though. I don't want her to know that her attempt at healthier is being thwarted in the end.

Apple Cinnamon Monkey Bread (makes 12 muffin=sized Monkey Breads)

2 cans biscuits (not Grands -- regular-sized biscuits)
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 tablespoons cinnamon
1 small Granny Smith apple, finely chopped
1/2 cup melted butter
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grab your muffin pan and throw muffin liners into each spot.

2. Chop up those biscuits. Each biscuit should end up in 6 pieces or so.

4. Place the granulated sugar and cinnamon into a large Ziploc bag and shake it to mix.

5. Drop the biscuit pieces into the sugar bag, zip that bag shut, and shake everything until the biscuit pieces are well covered.

6. Place enough pieces of biscuit into each muffin liner to cover the bottom of the liner.

7. Drop a few apple pieces into each muffin liner.

8. Fill the muffin liners up the rest of the way with the remaining biscuits.

9. Top each muffin liner off with the remainder of the chopped apples.

10. In a small bowl, use a fork to mix the melted butter, brown sugar, and vanilla extract. You should end up with a caramel sauce. Drizzle a spoonful of caramel sauce over top of each little Monkey Bread. Keep going around with that caramel sauce until it's gone.

11. Bake the little Monkey Breads at 350 degrees for 15-20 minutes. This right here is the advantage to make muffin-sized Monkey Breads -- the baking time is significantly less for individual Monkey Breads than it is for one big one.

12. Once the Monkey Breads are done baking, allow them to cool for a minute or two then eat them. While hot. Because FOR REAL JUST EAT THEM. It's worth noting that some of the caramel sauce will settle in the bottom of the muffin pan. I highly recommend scooping that stuff up and drizzling it over your happy little Monkey Bread.