Uncle Jessie Forgot to Mention That One Thing

If you can measure how much your kid's friend's parents like you by what they buy your kid for her birthday, I am WAY hated. WAY, WAY hated.

Alexis received a ton of Justice gift cards for her birthday.

She, of course, was over the moon and thought it was the Best. Birthday. Ever. I, of course, am a normal human being who doesn't particularly enjoy setting foot inside the hellmouth that is Justice.

But I did. For two hours. Because I like my kid and I like when she's happy. Staring at clothes that look like a unicorn threw up on them makes her happy, so for two hours she stressed over how to use her birthday gift cards while I watched.

Eventually she settled on a few items, including a black pair of leggings that happened to be capri length.

This all happened way back in February, which means those black capri leggings have been sitting in a drawer just staring at the poor kid for months. She wanted to wear them SO bad, but I'm mean and think you should cover your legs completely before heading out into freezing cold weather. There has been much drama over the whole thing, with the end result being that Alexis is allowed to FINALLY wear the capris when the temperature is forecasted to be at or above 70 degrees.

Guess what's happening tomorrow! 70 degrees! HOORAY!

As Alexis performed her daily weather forecast check, her face lit up like a Christmas tree. "MOM! 70!" She didn't even have to say why she cared. I knew. We've had the same conversation daily for two months now.

"I guess that means you get to wear your Milli Vanilli pants tomorrow," I said, without realizing that I had just stuck my foot in my mouth.

"My WHAT?" she asked.

One thing led to another and before I knew it, the kid was watching this old video with me pointing to a pair of skin-tight black manpris and saying, "See? They're just like your pants."

Instead of focusing on that part, though, Alexis was more interested in the music. "You listened to THAT when you were in high school?" she said with an aura of disbelief that can only mean that I was losing at least 30 cool points at the moment.

"Not exactly," I replied. "It was something that was on the radio, though."

That was a true statement. I was all about Nine Inch Nails and Sheep on Drugs and other completely inappropriate yet totally fantastic music at the time. We didn't have a pop radio station in Minot, ND at the time (the only pop station in town switched to country while I was in high school), so I wasn't at much risk of hearing anything that wasn't on a CD.

OK, fine.

I admit it.

I totally had the Milli Vanilli CD. STOP JUDGING ME. I truly didn't listen to it. I just owned it because there were no radio stations I could tolerate and I tried to have as many alternatives as possible.

Anyway, on and on the conversation went, with Alexis eventually determining that we should have listened to better singers.

Hello, rabbit hole! Let's travel down you and remember that Milli Vanilli didn't sing!

So THAT made for a fun conversation.

When all was said and done, the 8-year old had a newfound understanding of pop culture in the early 90's. She knew that her beloved capri leggings were very much so like Milli Vanilli pants and that they "sang" terrible music.

Instead of just leaving the conversation smarter, however, Alexis decided to make me feel like *I* am the one who acts like a grandma all of the time. "Mom, how come they never mentioned this Milli Vanilli thing on Full House?" she asked.

I, as most people probably would be, was totally and completely confused. "What?" I replied.

"Full House," she said. "That show with Michelle on it. I like watching it because it's like watching The History Channel from when you were a kid, but they never mentioned Milli Vanilli. It seems like something Uncle Jessie would mention."

I can't even.

Mine

Grandma Alexis Strikes Again

Sometimes in my quest to do the right thing for us, I create a monster. It's never intentional. It's just that while I am very much so "do whatever makes you happy," Alexis is very "this is the only way to do this thing." She'll learn eventually, I'm sure. In the meantime, she gets very ... literal about things.

She's very literal about how kids are supposed to behave at the theater or at a movie or whatever. It started way back when I took her to see Sleeping Beauty as a ballet. The right thing for us is to expect that even a 3-year old will sit quietly and watch the show. If she doesn't, we leave. She is very versed on the concept of not disrupting someone else's enjoyment, being respectful of the actors, and blah, blah, blah.

The point is, she sits quietly through pretty much every type of performance or show. It's the only way she knows.

That's not to say it's the only way, though. I'm completely aware that some people think it's impossible for a 3/4/5/whatever year old to sit through any 2 or 3-hour performance. They expect some chatting and wiggling. We could debate all day whether it's appropriate to take a kid who can't sit to one of those performances, but that's not the point. The point is parents handle those types of situations in a wide variety of ways. Nobody is wrong, per se. There's just varying shades of right.

Which is how it came to be that we went to see the new Muppets movie and ended up seated in front of a kid who never once stopped talking through the entire movie. He talked and he talked and he talked, and nobody reminded him to simmer down.

I tuned him out. It was a kids movie and a matinee. I pretty much expect that sort of thing in those circumstances.

Alexis apparently didn't, though. As soon as the credits started rolling, she flung her little self towards me and asked, "MOM. WHY DID HE TALK THE WHOLE TIME?"

"Different parents have different rules," I replied. That's my standard answer to all questions like that. It seems to work. Plus, it really is the only explanation for some things. Like, how some people let their kids climb on the chains while in line at Kennywood. I see "accident waiting to happen" and won't let Alexis, but I guess other people think it's safe. That's cool.

"BUT MOM," Alexis continued. She went on to remind me that it's rude to talk during a movie and blah, blah, blah. She pretty much threw words I haven't said to her in four years in my face and wanted them to be relevant to all humans and immediately.

I don't have that sort of power. Obviously. I told her so as I reminded her that not all parents have the same rules.

"Geesh," she replied. She rolled her eyes as she readied herself to walk out of the theater. "Kids these days. They have no respect."