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Wednesday
Apr092014

Uncle Jessie Forgot to Mention That One Thing

If you can measure how much your kid's friend's parents like you by what they buy your kid for her birthday, I am WAY hated. WAY, WAY hated.

Alexis received a ton of Justice gift cards for her birthday.

She, of course, was over the moon and thought it was the Best. Birthday. Ever. I, of course, am a normal human being who doesn't particularly enjoy setting foot inside the hellmouth that is Justice.

But I did. For two hours. Because I like my kid and I like when she's happy. Staring at clothes that look like a unicorn threw up on them makes her happy, so for two hours she stressed over how to use her birthday gift cards while I watched.

Eventually she settled on a few items, including a black pair of leggings that happened to be capri length.

This all happened way back in February, which means those black capri leggings have been sitting in a drawer just staring at the poor kid for months. She wanted to wear them SO bad, but I'm mean and think you should cover your legs completely before heading out into freezing cold weather. There has been much drama over the whole thing, with the end result being that Alexis is allowed to FINALLY wear the capris when the temperature is forecasted to be at or above 70 degrees.

Guess what's happening tomorrow! 70 degrees! HOORAY!

As Alexis performed her daily weather forecast check, her face lit up like a Christmas tree. "MOM! 70!" She didn't even have to say why she cared. I knew. We've had the same conversation daily for two months now.

"I guess that means you get to wear your Milli Vanilli pants tomorrow," I said, without realizing that I had just stuck my foot in my mouth.

"My WHAT?" she asked.

One thing led to another and before I knew it, the kid was watching this old video with me pointing to a pair of skin-tight black manpris and saying, "See? They're just like your pants."

Instead of focusing on that part, though, Alexis was more interested in the music. "You listened to THAT when you were in high school?" she said with an aura of disbelief that can only mean that I was losing at least 30 cool points at the moment.

"Not exactly," I replied. "It was something that was on the radio, though."

That was a true statement. I was all about Nine Inch Nails and Sheep on Drugs and other completely inappropriate yet totally fantastic music at the time. We didn't have a pop radio station in Minot, ND at the time (the only pop station in town switched to country while I was in high school), so I wasn't at much risk of hearing anything that wasn't on a CD.

OK, fine.

I admit it.

I totally had the Milli Vanilli CD. STOP JUDGING ME. I truly didn't listen to it. I just owned it because there were no radio stations I could tolerate and I tried to have as many alternatives as possible.

Anyway, on and on the conversation went, with Alexis eventually determining that we should have listened to better singers.

Hello, rabbit hole! Let's travel down you and remember that Milli Vanilli didn't sing!

So THAT made for a fun conversation.

When all was said and done, the 8-year old had a newfound understanding of pop culture in the early 90's. She knew that her beloved capri leggings were very much so like Milli Vanilli pants and that they "sang" terrible music.

Instead of just leaving the conversation smarter, however, Alexis decided to make me feel like *I* am the one who acts like a grandma all of the time. "Mom, how come they never mentioned this Milli Vanilli thing on Full House?" she asked.

I, as most people probably would be, was totally and completely confused. "What?" I replied.

"Full House," she said. "That show with Michelle on it. I like watching it because it's like watching The History Channel from when you were a kid, but they never mentioned Milli Vanilli. It seems like something Uncle Jessie would mention."

I can't even.

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Reader Comments (9)

That child is priceless.

I would also like to give her a hearty get off my lawn, please. Because WOW.

April 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTrinity

I can't. I just can't! That kid is way too much.

April 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLibby in WI

Wow...just Wow

April 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMary

You have the best kid ever. And yes, nothing makes you feel as old as dirt as your kid will. But I digress. I wouldn't know a THING about that. 😉

April 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDina

You can spin it all you want but you owned that CD. At some point in your life you were walking around singing or humming "Girl you know it's true...ewww, ewww, ewww" You have been shamed...LOL

April 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDave C

Oh my. I can't even with this...The History Channel from when you were a kid. That kid is brilliant.

April 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

That's just...too much! And my oldest recently asked me if there were cars when I was a kid. Hmph! Quick question: Do they show anyone in a car on Full House? Because I think maybe Alexis is on to something - my kids might understand if they could watch the History Channel of my youth... (And Uncle Jessie is still hot)(Just sayin').

April 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterThe Mommy

she clearly hasn't watched enough episodes because full house mentioned milli vanilli a bunch. dj and kimmie used to sing blame it on the rain. so tell the child to step back to the history channel!

April 16, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterhellohahanarf

"I like watching that show. It's like watching The History Channel from when you were a kid..."

Was that a dagger through the heart I just felt?!?!?! Ouch....

Signed,

A 38-year-OLD :-(

April 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKevin
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