Sleep, Glorious Sleep

In order to properly explain the current state of affairs, I have to go back. Way back.

If you dig deep in the archives of this here blog, you'll land on this post. It perfectly demonstrates what I mean when I say that Alexis had an enabler when she was little, which led to the fact that I have slept with a kid wrapped around my head for the majority of the past eight years.

It looks like this, by the way.

Except that is the 2-year old version of Alexis, which I referred to as "Toddler Helmet." Now she's longer and ganglier and takes up even more of the bed, but she still TO THIS DAY wraps her little self around my head when she sleeps in our bed.

Which is all the time. Unfortunately.

I'm no longer nice about it AT ALL. I threaten the kid with all sorts of horrible punishment if she doesn't stay off of my pillow. Sometimes it works, but not always.

It hasn't been working recently.

That means the kid who doesn't sleep is all up in my business when all I want to do is sleep. I shove her away, she comes back. I tell her to go away, she returns. It's a vicious cycle that isn't going anywhere. I've come to terms with that.

What I haven't come to terms with is that it's possible to end up with two bad sleepers in one family.

I have for YEARS convinced myself that wasn't possible. No kid could suck at sleeping as much as Alexis does! No way! The only way we can go from here is up!

But I think I might have been wrong.

The Tiny Human seems to always be awake. I can't prove it, obviously, but I'm absolutely certain that there is no sleeping happening, which is an exact repeat of history. Alexis was always thumping around, too.

Always.

All the time.

Now there's two of them.

And. AND. AAAAANNNDDD. They have already started tag-teaming me. Earlier this week, Alexis was forming the 8-year old version of the Toddler Helmet. She would occasionally fall asleep deeply enough to quit playing with my hair. It was a beautiful sort of "occasionally" that should have meant I finally got some sleep.

But that's not what happened.

Every time Alexis quit being a pain, the Tiny Human picked up the slack. Back and forth. Alexis' turn! Tiny Human's turn! Alexis' turn! Tiny Human's turn! Over and over they took turns being the one keeping me awake.

I'm never going to survive the next few years.

Wherein I Ask For Your Old Wives Tales, Please

Alexis' little brain is going to burst before May makes its way to the head of the table. She is desperate ... wait, no, she is DESPERATE to know if her sibling is a boy or a girl.

She's losing sleep over it, you guys. She already barely sleeps, so this is craziness.

If you ask her what she wants, she will tell you that it doesn't matter. A girl would be fun because she could braid her hair. A boy would be fun because she could torment him.

That's what she says. I know that secretly she does lean in one direction, but I'll let her keep that secret locked deep in her heart. I should probably tell her to stop wearing her heart on her sleeve where I can see that secret, but whatever. She'll be OK either way.

What she thinks the baby is changes day-to-day. Right now she's convinced it's a boy because boys are mean. Only a mean boy would do something like sit perfectly still every single time Alexis is trying to see or feel a Tiny Human dance party. It's magical how I can be getting my ass kicked by the Tiny Human, but if I tell Alexis to look, it all stops. Instantly. It's like an on/off switch.

I'd like for Alexis to use that superpower at night, by the way. If she would just stare at my stomach all night long, maybe I could get more than three consecutive hours of sleep. That wouldn't be creepy or anything.

ANYWAY.

My point is Alexis really, really, really wants to know if it's a boy or a girl. She also really, really, really isn't going to get her way. So, I have devised a plan. I have decided that we need to test every stupid old wives tale there is. From heart rate to spinning coins, I need to know what you've heard. Gimme those examples so I can engage Alexis in some shenanigans. It will all be very scientific, since, you know, every dumb thing there is to try has a 50% chance of being right.

I'll start. The Tiny Human's heart rate has pretty consistently been around 150. I've heard that if it's above 120, it's a girl.

What else have you got? The dumber the better, please!

Trying To Find The Fun Side

I'm sure I speak for many people when I say I'd like to rip one of the giant icicles off our gutters, hunt down Mother Nature, and stab her repeatedly because ZOMG ENOUGH WITH WITH THE COLD AND SNOW.

Ahem.

I'm Team Winter and everything, but even I have my limits. My limits were crossed three 2-hour delays and a school cancellation ago. Can we just have a few seasonal days? And by seasonal, I mean I'd like to have a few days when it's exactly normal out for the time of the year. That's a 40 degree high temp request right there. HOW IS THAT ASKING TOO MUCH?

It's not.

The real challenge around the cold and snow is that Alexis has also reached her limits. She's cool with school cancellations, but delays? OH MAN. Girlfriend has much rage about delays. She absolutely loathes missing the first two hours of her school day, in no small part because it has meant no swim class yet this year. It's pure coincidence that it has worked out that way, but still. She wants to swim. Mother Nature is a giant jerkface and hasn't let her.

So I have to distract her from being mad about the cold and snow. I just don't want her to grow up to be one of those Pittsburghers who whines every time the temperature drops below 40 and who drives as if she has never seen snow, even when it snowed the previous week. That means we wander out in storms, going about errands just like we would if it were sunny and 40 degrees LIKE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

So far it's working. So far the kid is managing to focus her anger on the school administration that is calling the delays and not on the weather itself.

I am 100% positive that's because I keep making sure we find time to play outside, even when it has been super cold. Snow is way more fun when you're in it.

You get bonus points if you're in it while wearing pink glittery boots.