I Mustache You How You Know That Word

Alexis gasped loudly and then said, "You almost said a curse word!"

She was talking to me and she was wrong. I was going to say, "You're so full of it," but stopped at "You're so fffff..." because I caught myself headed down a one-way street.

"So full of what?" she would have asked. AND THEN WHAT? I would have had to explain myself. I don't like explaining myself, so I stopped, and yet WHAT THE HELL? I was being called out for nearly cursing? NUH-UH.

I told Alexis I wasn't about to swear, but then realized something. I didn't know what she thought I was about to say. For all of her life, she has been convinced that "stupid" is the "s-word" and that it's the ultimate sin to say it. Her idea of inappropriate language is a bit skewed, if you know what I mean.

Funny thing about that, by the way. Nobody has ever told her that any words are off limits. I have advised her that there are grown-up words that she should wait to say, but there are no BAD words. Just words that she should consider waiting a bit before using.

Since I didn't know what word could possibly start with an "f" that she was so sure I was about to say, I asked. She wouldn't tell me the word, though. "I can't say it, Momma!" she told me.

"Fine. What does it rhyme with?" I replied.

"Ummmm ... " she thought about whether or not she really wanted to answer. Finally, she made up her mind. "Duck," she said. "It rhymes with duck."

I was speechless. For the first time in her entire life, it seemed that Alexis actually knew a curse word. I opted to not give any sort of fun reaction and instead just said, "Oh, that's not what I was going to say."

A moment later, I asked the question.

"So, how do you know about that word anyway?" I ventured.

I fully expected the answer to be something about school. School is always to blame. This morning she asked me if it was true that women used to basically be slaves, and THAT definitely was something she heard at school. It led to a conversation about suffrage and women's rights and how the whole thing is evolving even today. I didn't tell her that she'll be lucky if by the time she enters the work force she'll be paid as much as her male counterparts, but I thought about it. Yay, equality! We still don't have it! And it's really embarrassing to admit that to my 8-year old!

Anyway.

I expected the answer to the Rhymes with Duck Dilemma to be "school," but it wasn't.

Nope.

"Daddy says it all the time," she said before telling me words that rhyme with the other curse words he uses as well.

So there you have it. The 8-year old is not an innocent little thing anymore AND she confirmed that I'm still in the clear for teaching her any words she shouldn't know.

THANK GOODNESS.

Coconut Cream Cupcakes

You know how sometimes you remember a place where you haven't eaten for a while and you can't shake it?

I've been in that place for a few months now.

Portman's in Bridgeville. I need to get there. I need to get there for a bunch of things, but most especially for a piece of Coconut Cream Pie. It is, in my not-so-expert opinion, the best Coconut Cream Pie on earth.

I need it. Like, NOW.

I keep forgetting to head to that part of town when I have time to do it, though. Thus, I found myself with cupcakes to make for a work function and Coconut Cream Pie on the brain. I decided to ram a little of that Coconut Cream Pie into the cupcakes.

It worked REALLY well.

There was a parade of people who stopped to gush about the cupcakes. It was impressive. It also meant I had to share, but we'll pretend I didn't mind. (I did.) (A lot.) (Some jerk even found my secret stash in the lunchroom fridge and stole it.) (Not that I'm bitter.) (I am.)

Coconut Cream Cupcakes

There are three major components to these cupcakes, so there are also three ingredient lists and sets of instructions. Ready? Ready.

By the way, this makes about 6 dozen mini cupcakes. Plenty to share! (Not really.)

Cupcakes

1 1/2 cups butter, room temperature
1 cup sugar
5 large egss
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 teaspoons coconut extract
3 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup buttermilk
1 cup shredded sweetened coconut

1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees then throw the butter and sugar in a large bowl and the introduce them to your mixer. Mix and mix and mix that stuff until you have a light, fluffy, creamy butter mixture. It takes about 4-5 minutes.

2. Add the eggs one at a time, mixing to incorporate the eggs as you go.

3. Add the vanilla and coconut extract and mix some more.

4. In a medium mixing bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Whisk them all together.

5. Slowly add the flour mixture and buttermilk (alternate them) to the large bowl with your butter in it. I did 1/3 of the flour, 1/3 of the buttermilk, back to 1/3 of the flour, etc. and it worked out perfectly.

6. Once the cupcake mix is well-blended, fold in the coconut with a spatula or spoon.

7. Bake at 325 degrees for 25-30 minutes, or until the tops of the cupcakes are lightly browned and a toothpick comes out clean.

8. Transfer the cupcakes to a wire cooling rack and let them chill out while you work on other things.

Coconut Custard

1/2 cup coconut milk
1/2 cup milk (I used nonfat)
3 large egg yolks
1/4 cup sugar
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1. In a medium saucepan, stir together the coconut milk and regular milk. Bring them to a boil over medium low heat and allow them to simmer for 1-2 minutes.

2. Whisk together the egg yolks, sugar, and cornstarch in a small bowl.

3. Slowly add the warm milks to the egg yolks (pouring from the pot to the bowl, yes) while stirring the entire time. I do mean SLOWLY, by the way. It took me a full two minutes to combine the two things. Nobody wants scrambled coconut eggs, so take your time.

4. Return the whole mixture to the pot and bring to a boil, stirring constantly. It will thicken real quickly. Once it does, add the vanilla, stir, and remove it from the heat.

5. Transfer the mixture to a bowl and place it in the fridge. Once it has mostly cooled, you're shoving some of it in the middle of the cupcakes.

6. To do that, I placed the custard in a pastry bag with a tip that is attached using a coupler. If you use the type that slides into the bag, it won't work. You need a tip that will stay still. Now take that pastry bag tip and shove it into the center of the cupcake. Squeeze out a little custard. Now move on to the next cupcake. Easy enough, right? (If that doesn't work out for you, you can scoop out a little hole in each cupcake using a spoon and/or knife.)

Frosting

2 8-oz packages cream cheese, room temperature
1 cup butter, room temperature
3 cups powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 teaspoons coconut extract

1. Use an electric mixer to cream together the cream cheese and butter then gradually add the powdered sugar. If you figure out a way to get the powdered sugar in there without making a mess all over the ceiling, share your magic, please.

2. Add the vanilla and coconut extracts and mix some more.

3. Use a pastry bag to make a little swirl of frosting on top of each cupcake. Top with toasted coconut, if desired. (To toast the coconut, put about 1/2 cup of it on a cookie sheet and place it in the oven for about 5 minutes with your low broil setting. Watch it, though, because everybody's broil seems to work a little differently. It's "toasted" when it's lightly browned.)

Go Team USA!