Only Michael J Fox Can Save Her Now

I can say with utmost certainty that I have never declared the "5 Second Rule" to be a thing. Promise. Never ever. I haven't told Alexis about it.

At the same time, I've never actually stopped her from standing in the kitchen, accidentally dropping a piece of food, counting to five loudly, and then declaring something safe to eat.

I have no clue where she got the whole thing from, but whatever. I'm sure she eats more than her fair share of cat and dog hair anyway, whether she picks food up off of the floor or not.

There was one thing I didn't consider each time Alexis has pulled out the 5 Second Rule as justification for her actions -- she is really very literal. Rules are extremely black and white in her world, to the point that she would rather listen to Justin Bieber music for 24 hours straight than break any rule. ANY RULE.

(Parenting a kid who can't imagine breaking rules is pretty awesome, by the way.)

Now that I string all of those words together, I suppose I should have seen it coming. I should have known that when Alexis turned to me and said, "It takes 5 seconds for germs to stick to things anyway," I was about to crush her universe. I should have just shut up and let her keep thinking that because HOOBOY.

I wasn't wise enough to think things through and told the kid germs stick immediately. In a flash, she realized the 5 Second Rule isn't a real thing and in a flash and a half, she was nearly catatonic with regret. She laid her head down on the kitchen counter and began stressing out. And stressing out. And stressing out. SO MANY GERMS. CONSUMED. THE HORROR.

I tried to console her with the fact that our house is generally fairly clean, especially considering the cat/dog to human ratio. I mean, it's not spotless by any means, but I do sweep the kitchen floor at least three times a week. It's not THAT bad.

And then Alexis admitted that she has made use of the 5 Second Rule at school.

I basically told her that probably wasn't a good idea, so maybe we should stop that part. Just maybe.

It didn't really make her feel better.

I finally asked what would make her feel better. Without hesitation, Alexis turned to me and said, "The only thing that can fix this is a time machine so I can go back and not eat all of those things."

Grandma Alexis Strikes Again

There is a teensy part of my brain that realizes that it's not a burrito causing all that stomach bloat. An even teensier part of my brain has figured out that only fifteen weeks remain between now and when that burrito turns out to be a screaming bundle of sleep deprivation.

So, like one brain cell gets it. One brain cell gets that this Tiny Human thing might actually happen.

That one brain cell started to get a little panicky about the fact that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS DONE this weekend. That one brain cell decided maybe it's time to at least start considering the possibility of doing the minimum to prepare. So, that one brain cell loaded Alexis into the car and drove to Babies R Us.

First of all, HOLY CRAP. It has been years and years since I last set foot inside that store. It's ... overwhelming. There is just so much stuff. Most of it I know it stupid and useless, which is fun because while Alexis and I walked around, she kept asking, "Why would anyone need THAT?"

On her list of pointless things: wipes warmers, snack packs that attach to a stroller, mosquito netting for strollers, sleep sacks, head supports for car seats, and pretty much everything in the feeding aisle. I'm not saying she's right, but she's not entirely wrong, now is she?

We weren't there to actually buy anything, but more to jar my memory on what is actually needed and useful so that I can sort through what we have and find the gaps. If there is one good thing about marrying a hoarder, it's that we really do have most everything from when Alexis was a fresh little burrito. Once I sort through it all, there won't be much that's truly needed.

I needed to jar my memory, though. I have long ago forgotten about all of that stuff.

So Alexis and I walked up and down each and every aisle, her asking questions and pointing out the useless stuff, and me making mental notes of what to check and see if we still have. We went around and around the store, until we reached a point where Alexis stood transfixed, completely unable to move.

She was staring at one of these things. A mamaRoo from 4moms.

First she asked what the purpose of the contraption was, which was easy to answer. I told her it was basically a bouncy seat like the blue one she has. That "has" is the proper tense because while that particular burrito had ZERO interest in being in a bouncer seat when she was tiny, she continues to use hers for her dolls. Baby Shell especially is a big fan of being strapped in and going for a little bounce.

Alexis asked a few more questions about the contraption, most of which involved trying to understand WHY anyone would need something so fancy for an infant. She's practical, is what I'm saying.

Finally, she stopped staring at the mamaRoo and walked over to where I was standing. "Mom," she said, "We didn't have that kind of fancy stuff back in my day," she continued.

I told you she's got the soul of a grandma.

Red Hot Popcorn ... Again

The best laid plans sometimes land you parked in the middle of the highway while emergency personnel clear a flipped tracker trailer. That's what happened to the time I had set aside for photographing not one, not two, but THREE new recipes this afternoon. Instead of getting THAT done, I managed to do a bang-up job of cleaning the dash of my car.

Buy, hey, at least my day wasn't anywhere near as bad as the guy who was driving that semi.

Because I didn't make it home in time to photography something new, I thought I would bring back an oldie. It might be a two-year old recipe, but it definitely hasn't gone stale. In fact, I still make it frequently. The only thing I have changed over the years is that I discovered popcorn kernels that create a very minimal hull. They make a good thing an even better thing.

If you haven't tried this Frankensteined caramel corn, I suggest you do immediately.

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So, internet, how do you feel about these little guys?

Whether you call them Red Hots or Cinnamon Imperials or Those Little Red Things, I probably don't have to tell you that I'm a fan. I heart them, n'at.

I heart them even more when they're on popcorn.

OH. YES. I. DID.

It's Caramel Corn, but with a twist. A big twist because there is no caramel involved. Red Hot Popcorn is the perfect blend of hot and sweet. I made it this weekend to send with Alexis to school for her Valentines Party, but then I had to make it again because we kind-of-sort-of-maybe ate it all before I could put it in treat bags. WHOOPS.

Fortunately, it's really very easy to make. You start by melting one cup of butter in a pan.

And you add 1/2 cup of corn syrup. (I didn't say this was a "healthy" recipe. Ahem.) (Although, now that I do the math, the finished product comes in around 150 calories per cup. Not terrible.)

Pour in a bag of cinnamon imperials.

And I do mean the WHOLE bag. Go big or go home!

You're going to let that simmer over medium heat for a few minutes. Every once in a while, stir the good stuff up.

It's going to seem like the candy is never fully going to melt, but hang in there.

Because after about 8-10 minutes of simmering, you're going to have some cinnamon-flavored liquid gold in your pot.

Once it's melted, you get to pour the tasty stuff over some popcorn.

And then mix it all up.

It will be a little sticky at this point, but that's OK. Spread it out in the biggest oven-safe pan you can find and toss it in the oven at 200 degrees for an hour.

Every once in a while, stir the good stuff up. You'll soon be rewarded with not sticky Red Hot Popcorn that is just the right amount of crispy and OMG SOOOOO GOOD.

It freezes well, so you don't have to worry about making too much. Just split it up between a few freezer bags and you'll have a fantastic snack ready whenever you need it.

Red Hot Popcorn

8 quarts popped popcorn (it doesn't matter how you make it--microwave, stove top, whatever)
1 cup butter
1/2 cup light corn syrup
1 bag (14 oz) Cinnamon Imperials

1. Start by making your popcorn. Get rid of the unpopped kernes then place it in a large bowl(s) and set aside. (I had to use 3 bowls because I didn't have one that was big enough to hold it all.)

2. In a large saucepan, combine the butter, corn syrup, and cinnamon imperials. Simmer over medium heat until completely melted (8-10 minutes), stirring occasionally.

3. Pour the melted candy over the popcorn. Toss to coat evenly.

4. Place the Red Hot Popcorn in a large oven-safe pan and bake at 200 degrees for one hour. Be sure to stir every 15 minutes or so, breaking up any large clumps.

5. Allow to cool before storing in an airtight container.

It's some seriously good stuff. You should probably be jealous of the kindergarteners who are each getting a bag of their own.

Especially since they're getting it mixed with some of the most perfect Caramel Corn ever.