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Wednesday
May082019

One of Mankind's Worst Ideas

There are many conversations I expected to have this week, but one that revolved around water beds? NOT ON THE LIST. Alas, it happened. The context doesn't matter, in part because I'm still stunned beyond words that someone bought a water bed in the year two-thousand-nineteen. On purpose. With real money.

I CAN'T. MY BRAIN CAN'T. HUH? I AM SO CONFUSED.

In part I'm confused because I'm ... old enough to remember water beds. It turns out that is a thing. There are humans in the adult world with real jobs who don't remember them. Those people can get off my lawn, of course. Regardless, I remember them because my parents totally had one.

ON PURPOSE. THEY SPENT REAL MONEY TO SLEEP ON A RUBBERY MATTRESS FILLED WITH DISGUSTING WATER.

That whole concept still baffles me.

Possibly the most baffling thing about water beds is the fact that you had to actually fill them with water. I vaguely remember that it involved running a garden hose from your bathroom to your bed and letting the water run for a very, very, very long time. All day, even.

But what happened if you couldn't stand there and watch the water bed fill? I REMEMBER THE ANSWER TO THAT.

I was in about first grade when I came home from school one day and walked back to my "dresser." I know it was around first grade because it was a year when I didn't have a bedroom of my own and I think that got fixed in second grade. ANYWAY. I walked back to my "dresser" (The quotes are very necessary, thank you muchly, because it wasn't a real dresser. It was a pile of crates that were stacked to simulate drawers in a dresser.). Said "dresser" happened to be at the entrance to my parent's bedroom. The second I entered the room, I saw it - The water bed mattress stretched to its limits. It was so filled with water that it had bubbled up into a giant mountain. It was reaching for the ceiling, except I didn't think it would get there because it was on the verge of exploding.

I don't actually know if a water bed can explode, but my first grade brain was convinced. So.

My parents weren't home. They had run to take my brother somewhere so I was pulling latchkey kid duty. I had to figure out what to do about the soon to explode water bed all by myself. I carefully assessed the situation and decided having it explode would be very bad, so I pulled the hose out to prevent the water bed from filling any more.

And then I walked away and went to watch cartoons or some nonsense.

With the water still running and the water bed wide open.

That ended exactly like you'd expect it to end, which is to say all of you better not bring back water beds because flooding your parent's bedroom is not a thing you actually want to do. TRUST ME.

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Reader Comments (1)

LOL... You were Alllllllllllllllmost the hero there.

I remember water beds... they always seemed so exotic. I had a roommate after college who had one. We used to hang out on it all the time. (This was a girl roommate.)

Was never too fond of sleeping on them though... the non-porous mattress always made me sweat.

May 9, 2019 | Unregistered Commenterbluzdude
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