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Tuesday
Apr122011

What A Way To Go

If you ask Dr. Google which dog breeds are the dumbest or hardest to train, you'll find a photo of Meg staring back at you. English Bulldogs. They don't do what you tell them to do.

I can attest to the fact that actually Meg isn't as dumb as she plays on blogs. She understands words just fine. She just chooses to ignore them. All of them.

Which is to say, she's not allowed on the furniture, but that's like saying oxygen isn't allowed in the house. Go ahead and try to enforce that rule. I dare you. I'll be over here holding your dignity and sanity because you'll lose them both if you take them with you when you try to train Meg to do anything. Or not to do something. Whatever. It's like talking to a wall, except that the dog will start snorting at you if you make eye contact.

So, it's no surprise that Meg spends the vast majority of her time sitting on the couch. She does it to annoy me, I'm sure, and because she finds amusement in me continuously telling her to get down. She ignores most of my demands, but throws me for a loop by occasionally getting down on command, only to jump right back on the couch INSTANTLY. Like a yo yo.

During tonight's yo yo-palooza, Alexis was trying to put away her Barbies. She's really very good about putting them away each night. No, really. They belong in a box that goes on a shelf in our family room and she actually does put them there every night. It might have to do with the fact that I will throw away any toys that are not put away before she goes to bed. I'm not bluffing and she knows it. The other reason Alexis is good about putting away her toys in the family room is that she gets REAL pissed when the dogs break something.

You would think that Alexis would have learned by now that the couch is not a safe place to set her Barbies. You would be wrong. At least once per week I fix a decapitated Barbie because Meg jumps on them and rips their heads off. I kind of enjoy the whole thing, so I let it go on. Anyway, tonight Alexis set a Barbie down on the couch while she picked up a few others. As often happens, Meg jumped up on the couch and parked her fat butt right on top of the Barbie.

Alexis flipped out. Of course. THAT reaction just never gets old.

Alexis tried to grab the Barbie out from under Meg. She tugged. She pulled. She yanked. She yelled at Meg to "Moooooove, please!"

Nothing.

Finally, Alexis started making threats. "Meg, you better move before I get to three. One . . . two . . . "

I was DYING to know what was going to happen at "Three." My money was on nothing.

"Three. Meeeggggg! Moooove!"

Meg just sat there snorting.

Alexis stood there silently, trying desperately to figure out what she could possibly do to punish the dog who weighs more than she does.

I saved the kid from her own imagination by giving Meg a little shove and pulling the Barbie out from under her. Handing it to Alexis, I said, "You shouldn't leave your toys on the couch." I like to state the obvious as often as possible. Obviously.

Understanding spread across Alexis' face as she started to walk back towards the box where the Barbies belong. "Thank you, momma," she said. Then, suddenly, she started to cry.

"What's wrong now?" I asked. I left my patience in Florida. The weather was better there.

"My Barbie," she sobbed, "It smells . . . like . . . my Barbie smells like dog butt." She choked out the words in between sobs and shudders.

I would have been laughing at that point, but I know what that particular brand of dog butt smells like. It's not good, people. It's really VERY bad. I had no idea what the cure would be.

I tried Lysol.

That made things MUCH worse.

I tried a little air freshener.

Roses and dog butt scents blend quite well, but only if you like rose-scented dog butt.

I tried soap and water.

The dog butt. It would not leave.

Later, as Alexis was saying good night before heading upstairs to go to bed, she reported that she had cleaned up everything in the family room. "I know you'll throw away anything I didn't put away," she said.

Suspicious.

I looked around the room. She had done a better than usual job of cleaning up. Not a single Barbie shoe or crayon or piece of paper was anywhere to be seen.

Except, there was a lone toy right smack in the middle of the carpeting.

Dog Butt Barbie.

So long, Barbie. I'm sorry it had to end this way.

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Reader Comments (23)

Do you know how much it hurts to laugh snort EXtreme Hot buffalo wings? because damn you.

April 12, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterrachel

Oh my gosh smart girl ... I laughed my ass off... Poor Barbie.

April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

That is so sad and yet so funny.

April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle Smiles

DEFINITELY your kid. LOL

April 12, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterrebelliousflaw

Well, can ya blame her?!

April 12, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermattieflap

Dog Butt Barbie! Ha!

April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie

Hahahahahaha. She's smart.

Too smart.

You are in so much trouble later.

April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFireMom

Just freakin hysterical.

April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSheepthemoon

White wine, out the nose. Stings? Yes indeed.

( I love love love this, shes hysterical! )

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterErinPatricia

I was hoping we would get the full story after your FB tease. It's even better than I expected! I love how it was smack dab in the middle of the floor. So long Barbie!

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCrista

I love that kid. She's so freaking smart.

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered Commentertehamy

Dog Butt Barbie! HEEE-LARIOUS! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJen

This is what happens when you always mean what you say. She's too smart for me!

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe Mommy

And you want my dismembered Woody dolls for Halloween? Dog But Barbie will scare intruders like nobody's business. Maybe she and One Eyed, No Legs Woody can have an affair.

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

BAHAHAHAHA! I dare someone to say Alexis isn't a creative GENIUS! Love that kid.

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKellie

via decapitation or dog butt tattoo- Meg 1, Alexis 0... Sad day for barbies...

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermisty

The doctor left my house about a couple of hours back informing that my grandmother is slipping into a coma...
And then i happened to read this... and laugh... out loud! Can you imagine what my father must be thinking of me?

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmandeep

That was hysterical! We had a similar situation here with a Pillow Pet and puke. No matter how many times you scrub -- that scent just isn't coming out!!

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNora

that child is my new hero

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterhello haha narf

That is too funny! It's not often that I actually laugh out loud at something I read, but here I am... laughing hysterically as I read your post for the 3rd time. Way to go, Alexis! She knew exactly how to get rid of Dog Butt Barbie.

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMandi

THAT is absolutely the BEST story EVER told about a girl and her dog. Really.

April 13, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermumple

Funny story. I had a bulldog named Gus. She looked identical to Meg. Yes she was a girl named Gus. She was the boss. I couldn't even get her to sit on command. They are stubborn little shits. One day I was walking her and she decided she was done walking half way back home. She plopped her butt on the side walk and wouldn't move. I had to carry her the rest of the way home. Although she was frustrating she was the best dog.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkim

Reason #562 to be thankful I've only got boys: We do not ever have to claim a Dog Butt Barbie as part of our household.

April 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSports Mama
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