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The Burgh Moms vs. Brandon (Bless His Heart)

Oh, Brandon.

Poor, poor Brandon.

He really just even know what hit him.

Last night was the first (of many!) times that the Burgh Moms who blog managed to assemble. We are quite the diverse little group, ages ranging from 20-something to 40-something, from all parts of the city, working and stay-at-home, various levels of fear regarding Japanese Spaniards who buy amusement parks, and so on. But, we all have one thing in common (besides having kids and blogging, silly)--we all have big mouths. So when our waiter, Brandon, started the night by spilling drinks all over the place, he had nowhere to go but down.

To be fair, I personally missed the drink spilling incidents (yes, plural). In my conquest to drive through two freakin' tunnels to get there, I neglected to factor in the Succo factor. I guess some people still go to baseball games, because traffic was a beyotch and I ended up arriving ten minutes late. That was a VERY significant ten minutes because the reservation happened to be in my name and I kind of sort of in a way neglected to tell anybody that little detail. So, seven women went in the restaurant saying, "Yeah, we have a reservation, but I don't know what name it's under. Oh, and sorry, but I haven't actually met any of the other people either, and I'm not even sure I know what they look like." I don't really see a problem there, but the restaurant employees were all kinds of ticked off at me.

(Y'all who work at Rock Bottom can bite me, by the way. And Alexis--"Bite me" is Mommy's way of saying that she understands how her actions make others feel and that she's sorry. Just don't use the words yourself, please and thank you.)

So, after Brandon poured liquids all over women in hopes of being able to see through their shirts, he proceeded to deny a woman (who shall remain unnamed) her first taste of heaven in over three years. How a big 'ol restaurant could run out of daiquiri mix is beyond me, but even more mind-numbing is the fact that nobody knew how to make a daiquiri without mix. Ex-squeeze me? Yeah, I don't get it. He talked her into trying some froo-froo crap that reportedly tasted like Kool-Aid with four gallons of sugar in it. So, it was exactly like a daiquiri, but without the fun ice.

Later Brandon showed that he has no ability to remember something for more than ten minutes by giving everybody the wrong food, even as they told him to his face that it wasn't theirs. I loved the moment when Gina was all, "This isn't mine" and he was all, "Yes, it is." Think that one through next time, mmkay Brandon? He's just lucky Gina was too busy kissing her horse's behind to notice his potentially deadly sin.

I guess I should mention that the only reason I know Brandon's name is "Brandon" is because as he was walking away from delivering random food to random people, someone tried to get his attention by yelling, "HEY, YOU!" He wasn't terribly amused by that sort of name-calling, so I channeled my inner politeness and said, "We wouldn't have to call you 'you' if we knew your name."

He replied, "If you all had been listening, I introduced myself when you first got here." He threw in some extra sass at me for having missed that part because I suck.

Brandon is such a winner. A winner who fell while in the kitchen and then felt the need to tell us about it. Drinking on the job much, Brandon?

Anyway, the continuous service fiascoes really only provided further amusement to a night that was at its lowest point side-splittingly funny. Y'all, I haven't laughed that hard in ages.

The best part? We're doing it again. Hopefully you and you and you and you and you and you will be able to make it and you won't be quite so late to the ball. Keep your eyes on the other site for details, which will be headed your way before long.

And to those of you who did make it? GINA IS MINE. I saw her first, and I'm keeping her. You can't impress her by live-blogging the dinner. Playing the pity card and dropping the fact that your husband can't handle the bedtime routine won't get you anywhere either. That whole thing where you pretend in never happened does nothing. In fact, not even giving really cool stuff away will land you in her good graces. I've been reading her a while, and I just know she's going to remember who has been there for her the longest. (Right, Gina? Please?)

(Photo blatantly ripped off from Jayesel because I was too cool to take my camera out and wasn't real sure I wanted Brandon fondling my boyfriend, Mr. Canon, anyway.)

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Reader Comments (32)

I have a couple different mom groups I get together with here because of Peanut. I've done that "I'm meeting a bunch of women I don't know and have never seen before" thing myself and always get the deer in the headlights look from the waitress/hostess. Then I get, you can look in the bar and see if you see them. Uh, hello, I just said I've never met them before. Then I start going up to strange women asking if I know them. It's probably a great pick-up line for gay women. As for the waiter, it's been my experience that groups of women (small or large groups) always get rotten service because the waiter thinks they won't get good tips, but we get rotten service so we don't tip as well as we might of. It's a vicious circle. I just want to smack them.

Glad you guys had fun. I'm jealous.

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDebbie Yost

Please don't tell me you tipped that idiot! Yowzah!

Glad to hear you all had a great time...you guys all deserve to get out and have a little fun.

and I'm too tired to be silly or clever. Not that I'm terribly clever to begin with..ha ha!

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterColleen

Looks like FUN!

I'm sorry your "Penins" lost last night, but the hubs was rooting for his hometown team - the Red Wings. Six (maybe) games to go!

Peace - D

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMomma

Wow, that sounds like an adventure! I am sorry I missed that for sure! Hopefully I will be able to come next time =)

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterErin

How far are you from me? I bet it wouldn't take me more than 6 or 7 or hours to get there. :)

Sounds like a great time--even if Brandon was a complete tool.

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKellie

Cut the guy some slack, will you. He's only a man for pity's sake.


And one that was lucky he was even paid because I was about to leave without that courtesy. It was only the wonderful company that kept me lingering. What a great time!

And I sat beside Gina the whole night. Lucky me. She's mine.

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Poor Brandon. He was actually pretty sweet, in spite of his few "issues". If he only knew what was being said by him by a bunch of crazy women on the web. But yes, I love his little stab at us when he mentioned "if you all had been listening...".

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterIrene

Looks like loads of fun!!

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVerWaynia

You realize he peed and/or worse in your food, right? Just making sure.

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTranny Head

oh Brandon. I'd already forgotten half the stupid stuff he did, only remember the overall impression of MORON he left us with. He really was an idiot, wasn't he?

And maybe we'll have to rumble 'beach style' over Gina. You've got competition, my dear. I can so take you.

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

Ok. Now I just really want a daquiri.

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGreta

Oh Brandon...I think I remember you from my going away party when I left my 'Burgh job...so glad to see you are still rocking that waitering job.

Where was this lovely group when I was blogging in the 'burgh? I thought I was the only one.

We do those get togethers here in Nashville and the restaurants love us for all of the reasons you mentioned plus our request of 9 separate checks. But we always promise to tip well - as long as Brandon isn't taking care of us.

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle Smiles

What? What never happened? I wasn't out on Friday night...

Ha, I've just been too slow on the uptake to post yet. Don't you worry, friend.

BTW, let's just remember one of our children could grow up to be like Brandon one day. And then we have permission to shoot each other.

Hahahaha...sounds like he's was a real winner.

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTammy

Add me to that "You won't miss the next one, idiot" list, will ya? The fates (in the form of my much-loved Cub Scout Pack) intervened on this one...

Wow - I haven't felt that wanted in a LONG TIME!! And I have to admit - flattery will get you everywhere and I can be bought.

A beach brawl sounds like fun. There are lots of good drinks at the beach, you know.

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGina

Judging from the pic, you all had fun anyway. Brandon sounds like he should perhaps seek another profession.

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKathryn

So did everyone leave the sassy Brendan a penny?!

LOL--At least you still had fun--and something to blog about!

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

That sounds like so much fun, other than the crappy server. Seriously, what was up with that guy?

I'm jealous of your meet up! And the DC Area's next meet up will be inspired by yours and include no children, a place to sit down, and the ability to order drinks!!

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercaramama

Regarding the tip...dear Brandon, bless his pea-picking little heart, added 20% because we were a large group. And the checks were so darn confusing it seemed like he was trying to get more. Argh.

Not just daiquiri mix....they didn't have normal, unadulterated tea, or caffeinated coffee!

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKim

I am so sad. I was busy giving people random drugs at the Big Bird (read between the lines) to go. Damn the Big Bird and the people who need medicated. I so would have kicked Brandon's butt.

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCorrie

I feel like I shouldn't even comment...like I'm trying to get the cool kids' attention in the lunch room or something...

BUT. I'm glad you had fun despite the weiner--winner of a waiter you had. And I am jealous. Oh so jealous that I don't live closer.

May 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCecily R

Brandon must be moon-lighting the Burgh because I just had him spill shit on me last week.

May 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjust jamie

What!!! What happened! How did I miss this!!!!

Oh that is just too funny and I am sorry I missed out on the fun!!! I can't believe "Brandon" spilled drinks twice! What a nerd. tell me the manager gave you all a free drink or meal or something? Please?

May 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermominmentalmotion

Man, I'm so jealous. I wanna hang out with other bloggers! I'm pretty sure my husband thinks I'm a big dork of a blogger since it is ALL I TALK ABOUT!

May 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSarah Brooks

Whew! Missed the fun -- not the bad service -- and had a great time with my LA punk band.

Will keep my eye out for details! can't wait...


May 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterred pen mama

Yes we are awesome, and we MUST do it again! I'm glad to hear you are already working on the next get together :)

I blatantly stole Jen's photo, too. Good for them trusting Poor, Poor, Brandon with their cameras--great shots!

May 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterallisonsays.com

what nightmare - glad you managed to laugh anyway.

May 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBirdie

as a former waitress/bartender myself, all I can say is wow....

He's probably the reason their whipped cream is out of propellant and the bar's inventory is always short.

May 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBecoming Mommy

I love blogger get-together's. Sounds like you had a blast, despite the horrid service. And like you said, it just made for more laughs.

Hope he didn't spit in your food... ; )

Cute pic!

May 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterElaine A.

Looks like a GRAND time despite the idiot of a waiter that you had! Sounds like he got what he deserved!

May 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSherE1

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