2017 total: $12105.73


I'm Easily Amused

After a day chock-filled with doing absolutely nothing productive, I am brain dead. So instead of doing the meme that I planned to do, I bring you Things That Made Me Laugh Today:

1. This morning Alexis, Jasmine, and I were in Alexis' room. Suddenly Alexis decided that Jasmine needed to go. So she walked over to the door, opened it, and said, "Alexis get out. Go find Daddy." I had to laugh when the pup actually obeyed. She doesn't listen to anybody else, why not the Toddler?

2. I must have set Tivo to record VH1's Rock of Love last season because I found the season premiere this morning. THAT is reality TV at it's best right there.

3. I downloaded a weeks' worth of photos to the camera and found this gem. I call it, "How you doin'."

4. I remember going to Joanne's to buy some things to make Alexis birthday t-shirt, but I do not for the life of me remember this:

(Yeah, yeah, I know. It's not safe to let kids stand in carts like that. YOU come fight with her if you are worried about it. I'd rather keep my head attached to my neck, thankyouverymuch.)


She Thought it was Food Poisoning

I work with this guy who is married to this girl who wasn't feeling quite right for months. She kept having stomach pains and, in general, just didn't feel like herself. Back in November, she started having really bad, really sharp pains so she went to the Emergency Room. The diagnosis? Hello! You are having a baby RIGHT! NOW!

Yeah. Neither she nor her husband had any clue that she was pregnant. A fun little detail is that the girl cannot possibly weigh more than a buck ten soaking wet and carrying a Bulldog. She's LITTLE. Anybody else wondering how the heck that happens? I mean, I have heard of overweight women not showing, but a skinny little thing? How? And holy lifestyle change, Batman!

Anyway, I have been marveling at this whole thing for two months now. My brain quite simply cannot wrap itself around it. Now, I can understand why the husband didn't realize what was going on; Mr. Chatterbox is usually so busy talking that he doesn't know other people are in the room. But how did she not know? First there's the appearance thing. The man on the moon could see that I was pregnant two years ago without even getting out his telescope. 65 pounds and ALL belly will do that. I'm guessing she probably didn't gain that much wait, but still. Then you've got the heartburn, nausea, sleeplessness, swelling, constipation, tiny human karate chopping your ribs, constant peeing, tiny human kicking the crap out of all of your vital organs, and all the other joys of pregnancy. Huh? What? Eh? How do you not notice these things?

I wonder endlessly about the how, but then there's also the whole idea of not having a little time to adjust to the idea of being parents. This was their first kid, so it's not like they were adding to the Duggar clan. They had to buy all the things that come with kids, suddenly stop getting sleep, and, and, and . . . the list of changes just goes on and on and on.

I would love to ask the guy all of the questions that run through my mind every time I see a photo of his daughter in his office, but like I said, he rarely notices that anyone else is in the room. However, I found out today that his wife may be at an event next week. The filter that stops by mouth from saying things my brain thinks it shouldn't malfunctions frequently, and apparently the warranty is no longer valid. This could be a problem. I'm pretty sure I'm going to spew some WTH? and How do you? kind of questions that would offend anyone that seriously has got to feel like they are the victim of the world's biggest practical joke.

On one hand I'm hoping she doesn't show up because I just know she's going to want to kick my butt after I ask her 6,000 questions (good thing she's smaller than me, I should be able to take her). On the other hand, the answers to so many of my life mysteries could end up solved. Perhaps I should start writing my questions down and have everyone I know edit them for rudeness. Maybe that would work . . . if she shows up.


This is a Thumb, This is an Index Finger, and This is a Pinky--Wrap Him Around That One

What was once a little problem is quickly turning into a very BIG problem. My dear husband, let's call him Sucker for the purpose of this post, is weak. Very weak. I have known this for years and years. If I want something, all I have to do is bat an eyelash or two, generate some crocodile tears, or ask for it in a sweet little voice. Any of the aforementioned strategies will result in him immediately doing whatever it is that I want. I could say, "Buy me Canada," and he would do it.

I choose to use my power very sparingly. After all, if he buys me Canada, there probably won't be enough money left in the checking account for that Grande Nonfat Caramel Macchiato that I so desperately need a few times a week. And, well, without that Macchiato, everybody around me would be looking for a plane so that they could fly me over Canada and drop me out into the vast nothingness with the hope that I wouldn't find my way back home. With power comes responsibility. I understand that.

Alexis also possesses this power. And you better believe she knows it. Only, she doesn't use it sparingly. Oh no, she uses it endlessly. I'm home with her for over an hour before Sucker gets home and she never even so much as glances at the TV. Sucker walks through the door and suddenly you will hear, "I want Dora." Guess who Tivo's every single episode of Dora? And turns it on the second it's requested? Uh huh.

Later in the evening, just before bed time, I can guarantee you that Alexis will starting asking for monkeys. A "monkey" in our house is a package of corn syrup and sugar mixed with whatever chemical it is that allows tooth-rotting, hyper-inducing fruit snacks to take on their given shape. Once upon a time, the shape of choice was Curious George, so the nasty little things gained the name "monkey." Anyway, in my mind, fruit snacks would be the exact opposite of a good idea for a bedtime snack. So of course I say no whenever Alexis asks for them (the only reason I even buy them is to stash in the car and my purse for use in case of emergency). Sucker? He hands them right over.

Both situations are known annoyances. I nag, he does it anyway. However, Sucker has started to look over his shoulder as he caves in faster than you can say AHEM. That tells me he has actually heard a minuscule portion of my nagging and his brain is working towards figuring out a way to make his daughter happy without having his wife kill him. In other words, there might be hope.

Except, EXCEPT, that she is getting more creative in her use of her powers. She's like a little witch apprentice honing her skills. Case in point, last Sunday I got a call on my cell phone while I was rushing out to meet Jen. "Since when does she freak out for french fries when she sees McDonald's?"

I replied, "Since never."

"Really? Because she started freaking out that she wants french fries when I drove by."

Our conversation continued for a few minutes while I explained that she has never once asked for french fries when I drove past, and we HAVE to drive past to get to pretty much anywhere. Then it dawned on me that I should ask one very important question. "Where are you?"



(Of COURSE she has had Starbucks. What kid doesn't like Hot Cocoa?)