I'm Never Punctual and There Is a Reason

I've decided that I have no need for a time machine. I've figured out exactly how to stop time - hand Mila a bowl of cereal. I've often said that her ideal state is to be seated at an all-you-can-eat buffet all day long because her best life is lived eating slowly. Constantly. Always.

I swear I am ready to lose my mind over Cheerios. I'm growing new grey hairs in the time it takes for Mila to eat her little bowl of Cheerios each morning. One. Cheerio. At. A. Time.

This has been going on for a while now. It's making me desperately long for the waffle years. Waffles were eaten slowly and deliberately, but they were eaten on the go. Cheerios require milk and NOPE. Not going in my car.

An interesting twist has been added to the Cheerios shenanigans. I've always known that it's a terrible idea to remind Mila to eat faster. If you make eye contact with her while she's eating, she will stop eating. If you say words to her, she will stop longer and possibly get completely distracted and WHOOPS. You just added 10 minutes to this game.

So I remain silent. There are no reminders to eat or focus or anything. Just shhhhhhhh. Let the one little Cheerio at a time be eaten.

Alexis knows this is the rule. It's basically a law not to "bother" Mila when she's eating, and by "bother" I mean look at her, talk to her, acknowledge that she's alive, or basically breathe in her presence. Just go away and leave her alone OR ELSE.

She knows it is the rule, but Alexis has decided it's HILARIOUS to ruin my life. For the past few days, she has made it her parting gift to me to walk over to Mila right before she's running to get on the school bus. She walks over, tells Mila she should eat faster, and then runs away to school.

It's adding half an hour to my morning. I'm not joking. Mila cannot handle distractions while she's eating.

What exactly is the appropriate punishment for cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West while distracting your sister with squirrels and shiny things? I'm going to need to double down on whatever that punishment is.

Creeper Creeperton

Mila has firmly landed in the Talk Until Everyone's Face Falls Off phase. She talks and she talks and she talks and she doesn't care all that much if anyone is listening because she'll just pretend. Words on words and ZOMG it's exhausting.

Mostly I only half listen. It's fine because she has people in her head she can talk to.

That's to say, she has hit the nonstop talking phase at the same time as she has hit the Pretend Friends phase. It's all rather convenient. She has people to talk to and I get to just enjoy the show.

Except, she has WEIRD conversations with the people I can't see.

The past few days Mila has been talking about cats. There have been stories about Kiara, Max, and Ali. Mostly Max, of course, because Max is the one cat who is most willing to hang out with Mila. Mila shared lots of details about how soft he is and how nice he is and all of that. Ali is "really scared" which is also about right. Kiara is mostly known for her giant, fluffy tail.

Annnnnd then there's "the white cat." He's dead, by the way. I know he's dead because Mila told the people in her head that he's dead. But the dead white cat is friendly and he visits at night. Sometimes he brings Mila gifts. The gifts have included books and Hatchimals and such, but mostly he just visits so they can be friends. They play and talk to each other.

The dead white cat has pink ears and he's REALLY big ("like Max"). He meows a lot. He's "bad." I've had days of details shared about this cat who isn't real because there isn't a single photo where Mila can see it or any reason for her to know this tale.

You guys. YOU GUYS. Read this. Look at the date.

I'm going to need the number for the Ghostbusters, please.

Shenanigans

Nearly all mysteries involving Mila are best left unsolved. I don't want to know what that sticky substance is on every doorknob, for example. Just clean it and move on. Don't ask questions. Sometimes, though, I decide I NEED TO KNOW.

On Friday when I picked Mila up from daycare, I followed her from the room she's in at the end of the day to her classroom because she always leaves her shoes there. Every single day she grabs all of her stuff except her shoes when she switches rooms, so every single day we go back for them. On Friday, though, she ran past her shoes and headed for her cubby. I already had her backpack and lunchbox, so I didn't know what she was up to.

She was up to her eyeballs in snacks.

Her cubby, which is basically a small locker without a door, was filled with a giant pile of snacks. Goldfish crackers and fruit snacks and pretzels and cookies and snacks on snacks on snacks. It looked like the snack aisle at Target had puked up all over her locker.

Mila's explanation, "The grandma gave them to me."

I had no idea what that meant and was HIGHLY suspicious. Why not give the snacks to all of the kids? There were names on some of them, which made it even more confusing. It was Friday after 5:00, though, so I wasn't real into the idea of walking to the other end of the building to ask a coherent adult questions. Instead, I told Mila we had to leave the snacks there and go home.

She cooperated, surprisingly.

All weekend she talked about "my snacks" and how they were in her cubby and she was going to get them when she next went to school. Except, when we arrived Monday morning, her cubby was empty. I made like Elsa and let it go and Mila seemingly did as well.

But then when I picked her up, Mila had more stories to tell about the snacks. As far as I can piece together, what actually happened is that she went through her entire class's snack bins, grabbed what she thought would be good, and stuck them in her locker. When Monday morning rolled around, a teacher saw her giant pile and returned it all. Somewhere in there Mila got a lecture about taking the snacks and such, but OMG I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

1. Who exactly are these people who don't notice when a tiny person is walking back and forth with armloads of snacks? I've met this child. She cannot be sneaky even when she tries really hard to be sneaky. She had to be about as subtle as an elephant marching through a pottery store as she snagged snack after snack. I'm not kidding when I say she had 35+ little bags of snacks in her cubby. She can only carry 2-3 at a time.

2. How did no kids rat her out? There are 23 kids total in that room. NONE OF THEM noticed their snacks were walking across the room?

3. Is Mila truly such an evil genius that she figured out how to pull off this caper in broad daylight without anyone noticing? Because if so, I'm going to need more padlocks.

And duct tape.

And super glue.

And more padlocks.

I'm in soooo much trouble, aren't I?