One. Cheerio. At. A. Time.

I'm not a morning person. That's probably one of the biggest understatements I've said in the past year. Let's just say that I'm at my best once the clock hits double digits.

Mila is worse.

She's not as mean in the morning as I am, but she's nowhere near as functional. I can manage to get in the shower and out the door. She can't manage to do anything. Getting her out the door in the morning requires reminding her every three seconds that she's supposed to be doing something and FOCUS, CHILD.

Meh.

This week has been especially delightful. I've got a thing at work this week that requires I be there early, which is basically an invitation for Mila to be extra special. She has spent the entire week testing to see how long one human can take to eat a bowl of Cheerios. BTW, when you HAVE to eat the Cheerios one Cheerio at a time, the answer is

OH

EM

GEE.

HOW

IS

THIS

POSSIBLE.

Rome was built in less time than it takes Mila to eat her breakfast. I could start her at 9:00 pm the night before and she still wouldn't be ready at 7:00 am because SERIOUSLY HOW DOES SHE EAT SO SLOWLY.

And don't remind her to hurry up. She stops to listen to what you're saying and it takes her a few minutes to resume.

So if you need me in the morning, no worries. I"ll just be over here researching the world record on slowest breakfast eater because if we're going to be overachievers, we should at least get recognition for it.

Scheming

If you suspect that I sometimes lurk around the corners and just listen to my girls talk to each other, you are correct. I am absolutely guilty as charged. Listening to them scheme is my favorite, even when it's only one of them scheming.

"I want to watch Paw Patrol," I heard Mila tell Alexis. Alexis was watching Full House, so the odds of her changing the channel were somewhere between nope and no way.

"No way!" she said. I know the kid well.

"I'm going to tell mom!" Mila replied. She's in a snitching phase, which is hilarious if you're me. I have no idea why she thinks telling me something will lead to any sort of action.  Either she hasn't figured out that I'm lazy or she hasn't figured out that I don't deal with conflict when it's other peoples' problem. One of those things. Both are true.

"Go ahead," Alexis said. She KNOWS.

A minute went by and the girls found themselves all cuddled up together on the couch. I couldn't see the whole thing, but I suspect that Mila initiated the cuddle-a-thon. And yet, two seconds later, she was all, "Stop touching me!"

Alexis replied with, "Nope." As you do.

"I'm going to tell mom!" Mila replied.

You know what happened next because I've already explained the process. After that was done, Mila started giggling. And giggling. And giggling. I'm sure Alexis had something to do with the shenanigans, but Mila was definitely living her best life. I waited a moment longer to enjoy their happy then strolled into the room.

Mila instantly stopped giggling and switching to fake crying. It was a convincing fake cry that honestly I only knew was fake because I had been lurking in the shadows for a few minutes. "Mooooom, Alexis won't get off me!" Mila reported in her saddest voice.

Alexis became indignant. Of course. It was a reasonable response.

"Moooooom! Help me!" Mila wailed.

Just imagine Alexis' face. It was exactly as hilarious as you'd imagine.

"Alexis, just move," I said. It wasn't that I was responding to Mila's whining; it was that Alexis was in my spot. I needed to grab my laptop and do a little work and the Big Kid was definitely in my way.

Mila instantly went from fake-sobbing to laughing. "See, Alexis! I told on you!"

I might need to work on that gloating thing. It's really unbecoming and stuff.

I Say Weird Things

For as much as Mila would like Easter to be all about the candy, the reality is that she didn’t get that much. She had the pleasure of hunting for dozens and dozens of eggs, but the candy will miraculously disappear from our home and land at my office. It happens every year.

Because the Bunny knew the candy would be for looks only, s/he made sure to show up with some fun things like Hatchimals and coloring books.

And a remote control car.

It’s a junk $5 remote control car, which basically means it just drives around like a toddler. It crashes into walls, wobbles, and has an affinity for running over people’s feet. Like I said, it’s EXACTLY like a toddler. Which means Mila loves it.

Mila spent a solid hour on Sunday chasing her sister with the car, which worked well since you can’t really tell the car which direction to go in. It sort of heads to the right place, but not really, but that’s okay because lunatic preschoolers love lunatic remote control cars. It all makes sense.

The highlight, of course, was that eventually Mila did manage to land the car right at her sister’s feet. Alexis, being the dork that she is, yelled “OUCH!” as if a tiny little car actually hurt because that’s what she does. She claims injury when there is barely any contact.

Mila doesn't care if there is actual contact or not. She LIVES for other people's pain. There is nothing funnier than watching bodily injury occur, so with Alexis' "OUCH!" Mila basically fell over laughing. There were literal tears falling from her eyes because she was laughing so very hard. That led to Alexis getting mad which led to me fussing at Mila.

"Quit trying to run over your sister!" is a real thing that I had to say.