Wednesday
Apr132016

Guess Which One of them is the Crazy One

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The photo makes it pretty obvious which of the two girls has been voted Most Likely to Lick a Wall. It's the same girl who has also been voted Most Likely to Need Bail Money.

Go figure.

THAT girl, the crazy one, is the same girl who is wildly inconsistent in her craziness. Sometimes she  rages through her day and makes it really obvious that she's angry that she isn't getting her way. Other days, she's the empathetic little person patting a friend's back and asking, "You okay?" Never mind that she's why the other kid is crying. At least she tries to fix the situation.

She also tries to create confusion at every turn.

There is a disconnect in this house that has kept Mila's beloved pacifiers in her life. I say she can't have them and yet somehow she gets them and I get tired of fighting about these things. Alas. Finally, this week I decided to act like a grown-up and I made all of those things disappear. ::POOF!::

I'm not telling where they're hiding. It's a secret.

They're hiding and not in the trash because MILA. Mila is really very likely to decide the pacifiers are worth ruining everyone's life over. She is very capable of throwing a fit for three straight days without a break.

So.

I figured that when Mila first figured out that her pacifiers were gone, she was going to read me the riot act. The first question came as I was buckling her into the car one morning. "Where's paci?" she asked.

"Paci had to go bye-bye," I replied while searching frantically for a helmet and maybe a fire-proof suit because I knew I was about to be destroyed.

"Bye, paci!" Mila said.

AND THAT WAS IT.

SHE HASN'T HAD IT SINCE.

AND SHE HASN'T CARED.

And that right there is why Mila has been voted Most Likely To Give Me All of the Gray Hair.

Tuesday
Apr122016

It Was Five Feet Away on a Shelf All Along

Mila has fallen into a funk. It's a terrible, no good funk that has her unable to sleep unless she's physically touching me. She's like a koala bear stuck to a tree, except the tree is me and I have things to do after that little imp goes to bed.

WELP.

I figure with each night that passes, we move a little closer to her being the kid that has to have her mom carry her on stage to get her high school diploma. So that's my thing I'm looking forward to.

While I figure out how I'm going to hide myself under her gown on graduation day, I've been dealing by putting Mila to bed in her crib and then promptly retrieving her ten minutes later when she realizes I tried to trick her. She then immediately falls to sleep while clinging to me on the couch.

A while later, this happens.

Is there any problem that can't be solved with the help of Friends? I think not.

A few nights ago I did the Hug 'n Roll and found myself completely free from the confines of the tiny koala. She softly snored, even though she wasn't touching me.

FREEDOM!

With my glorious late night freedom, I found myself too scared to move Mila to her crib, but perfectly willing to get a few things done. I scrubbed a counter, picked up some toys, and got a lot of work done. Before I knew it, I found myself looking at the little hand and the big hand pointing at 12. I turn into a pumpkin at midnight, so I went to grab my phone and sleeping Mila so I could sneak upstairs to bed.

Except that I couldn't find my phone.

I knew I had it when I was sitting with Mila. But ... then what? I tried retracing my steps. The phone was nowhere that I usually place it. I considered using an actual alarm clock as my alarm clock instead of my usual phone, but my alarm clock doesn't let me set 5 different wake up times. I can't be trusted with a snooze button. I need separate alarms. IT'S A THING.

I searched some more.

Eventually I grabbed the house phone (yes, we still have one of those things) and tried calling my cell. It's always on silent, but I figured I would hear it vibrating.

And I did.

And Mila stirred.

It was a muffled sort of vibrating. I was instantly positive that Mila was sleeping on top of it. The phone must have been a casualty in the hug 'n roll.

I had no choice but to poke at the sleeping baby.

So I poked and I prodded and I tried to reach behind her to search under the couch cushions. One thing led to another and before I knew it, the couch cushions were on the floor while Mila slept on the torn apart couch.

And then she caught me. She slowly sat up, glaring with all of the power of pissery she could muster. Mila glared and she snarled and she very clearly mouthed DOUBLE-YOU-TEE-EFF-WOMAN before she started screaming at me.

I do not recommend angering a toddler after midnight. It's worse than feeding Gizmo after midnight.

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Monday
Apr112016

The Radio on the Bus Does What Mila Says

If I had $1 for each time I caught myself listening to terrible pop music when Alexis wasn't in the car, I'd have enough money to buy out Justin Bieber and make sure he never sings again. Alas, that isn't how it works, so it's not unusual to catch me screeching to "Sorry" at a stop light before I realize what's happening.

I swear I don't like the music. It's just that I'm so used to it at this point that I don't notice it.

Alexis controls my music world. Fact.

I've often wondered how that came to be. How did I, a person with all of the opinions and a very strong will, end up becoming the victim of the cruel joke that is a 10 year-old in charge of the radio dial?

I FIGURED IT OUT TODAY!

Some time in the past few weeks, I realized that Mila was singing a song I recognized. "The Wheels on the Bus." She only knows a few of the lyrics, but it's a very recognizable tune. "Up and down, up and down" is a favorite part, but "Babies go waaah, waaah, waaah" is easily the best ever. Mila has the hand motions down and all of that, so of course Alexis and I keep prompting her to sing it. It's a full time job encouraging a toddler to be extra cute, and we're happy to perform the work without monetary compensation.

After a few weeks of Mila singing what she knew on her own, it occurred to me that I didn't really remember all of verses. One thing led to another and the next thing you know, "Wheels on the Bus" is blaring in my car. And Alexis and I were singing along.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S HOW IT STARTS.

The small people are so darn adorable when they sing that you can't help but poison your own mind with terrible music. You play it because ADORABLE. Then they learn a new song and then another and eventually they're worshipping at the alter of Demi Lovato and you find yourself singing along.

It's the adorableness. The toddler adorableness.

I'm glad Alexis enjoyed her reign as the Goddess of the Radio Dial. She's about to transfer her powers to a toddler with a love for songs about a bus.

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