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Friday
Jun092017

This Kid

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Thursday
Jun082017

And There Goes Fifth Grade

Well, hell.

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I can't really be called a "mommy blogger" if I don't post that, so there it is. Obligatory photo and such. Of course, a proper "mommy blogger" has to also post this.

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But now things are just going downhill fast.

Soooooo fast.

I mean. No.

So, that's a wrap on elementary school. Somehow I blinked and that little shy creature in the awkward-fitting uniform is suddenly a legitimate big kid and whooosh.

So fast.

Where's that pause button? It has to be around here somewhere...

Wednesday
Jun072017

Go Away, Buggy

There are train wrecks that end up being less messy and disasterous than my mornings. Each and every one is filled with chaos and bizareness. Really, they're only getting worse as Mila gets older because she finds new and exciting ways to make sure I leave late.

It's her superpower.

Yesterday, though. I can't blame her for yesterday.

It started with me running back upstairs to grab a few packs of baby wipes. Daycare was out and since Little Miss No Thank You shows no signs of ever using an actual potty, I figured I better remember to grab them. No big deal, there are piles of them in Mila's closet. I reached down to grab a few pair off the low shelf at the bottom of her closet and a shadow caught my eye.

A shadow ... or a GIANT KILLER BUG.

Or a house centipede. Same difference.

I'll wait a second while you Google that nonsense. Go ahead. I highly recommend doing an image search. Don't bother telling me that Google says it's harmless, by the way. Anything that is LITERALLY BIGGER THAN MY HAND is not harmless. That is a lying liar of a McLie.

A -no joke- six inch long house centipede was hanging on the side of the closet right at my eye level. Like, it was inches from my face. Considering it can probably accordian out and jump a few miles in a single bound, I was obviously in danger.

So I ran out of Mila's room.

Buuuuut, there was a problem. I cannot somehow break Mila's room off from the rest of the house and burn it to the ground. I also can't just lock the door and declare it No Man's Land because we actually use that room sometimes. I mean, Mila doesn't sleep in it, but someday maybe she will? Maybe?

I had to do something. I couldn't go to work and leave the giant killer bug loose in the house. Then I'd be left to wonder forever and ever where it was and you just know it would have popped up holding a butcher knife while I was in the shower or something equal horrific. So! A plan!

I started trying to figure out a plan that involved anyone but me dealing with the giant womankilling bug. I considered sending Mila in and telling her to squish it, but that kid never met anything she didn't want to befriend. I would have likely found her petting it gently as she cooed sweet nothings in its ear.

(I'm not joking. The kid frequently stops to talk bugs and often declares them "cute." She's not right in the head or something.)

Alexis. She's the mini-adult of the house, so she made an excellent candidate for Chief Bug Evicter.

Except ... Alexis. She would also be an excellent candidate for Biggest Chicken in the House. She screamed and screamed when she found ants in her bedroom recently. They were there because she left food on her desk, which is BANNED from happening around here, but clearly she doens't believe me when I say food in bedrooms is a bad idea. Now that I'm thinking about it, the womankilling bug was probably upstairs because it wanted to snack on ants, which were only a thing because Alexis broke the rules and look at that. It only took me a few seconds to figure out whose fault the whole faisco was.

ANYWAY.

I couldn't send Alexis in. She would flip out.

So, I had to deal with it. The only problem is that I had to do it without being detected because seriously with those two girls. Mila would have made it her new pet and Alexis would have never gone upstairs again. Do you know how hard it is to drag a vacuum upstairs without your kids deciding they need to know what's up?

Oh, they wanted to know. And I lied to them. I blamed the dogs for making a mess and phsychologied my way into tending to the alleged mess. "If it weren't for your dogs, I wouldn't end up being late from cleaning up their messes. I should make you clean up after them."

Alexis ran away before I could even finish the threat.

But Mila followed me.

The really good news is that I did manage to vaccuum up the bug and dispose of any remnants in the trash outdoors. The good news is that Mila didn't manage to make eye contact with the thing, so she wasn't sad when her future-but-not best friend disappeared. But, the bad news. The bad news is that it turns out that Mila really will make friends with anything. I got rid of her by telling her there was a giant bug downstairs and that if she caught it, she could keep it.

She took off running down the stairs SO fast. Then she called out, "Buggy! Come here, Buggy! Let's be friends!" She was super disappointed when she wasn't able to make friends and I was super disappointed because no child of mine should be THAT excited to hang out with a bug.

Ugh.

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